Monday, November 7, 2011

Oh, it's been too long!

I sit here with my computer and coffee enjoying my bit of silence before the day takes over and I'm reminded just how good our God is! I started my morning prayer which lately (as in the last two or so months) has begun with a song by Jeremy Camp:

"Holy fire, burn away"
My desire of anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me, yeah (x2)

Empty me, empty me, yeah
Fill, won't you fill me
With you and less of me, yeah (x2)
"

As I was praying I realized that He had answered this prayer, only in a way that I totally would not have thought of...through trusted friends stating the truth in love. He is so faithful and loves us all so much and wants what is best for us! If what we're desiring is truly from Him then our friends will support us and cheer us on. But if it's not from Him (even if we feel that it is!) those same friends will pray and seek the Lord on our behalf and lovingly tell us that we're going the wrong way.

Good godly friends are a true treasure and even though we may want to go our own way the Bible says that we would be a fool (Proverbs 18:1, "a man who isolates himself is a fool" or something like that ;-) ). Blessings my sweet friends! May you be encouraged by those around you to do what the Lord has placed in your heart to do!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Tonight

Yesterday I decided that it's high time that I clean my room. Yup. Room was messy. My bed would be made most everyday, but there was clutter everywhere. I jokingly say that the melancholy in me has decided to take over because the phlegmatic in me has had way too much fun, lol. Seriously, I had to clean my room. Not to mention that I often get on my own kids for their rooms being unacceptable...not talking about that though.

So, yesterday I decided it's high time that I clean my room. I started slow, with a little pile in the corner, and worked my way toward another. Once I got those mostly taken care of (I had made way good headway!) it was time to get ready for work, with intents to finish those piles when I got home. Rest assured, those piles did not just 'move' to another spot in the room - they were taken care of! OH! I also went through one box (Yep, I had THREE boxes in my room that were put there when I moved into this house...TWO YEARS AGO!) (Did I mention that I was going to be vulnerable in this one???)

Today I knew I needed to finish the project, especially since I made a point to call my kids while I was at work and tell them that if their rooms are not taken care of they couldn't have a play-date on Sunday. I needed to make sure that I could have play-dates too ;-). What I didn't know was just how much that would entail. I went through all the boxes and found some things of Joey's that I thought he would love to have in his room. When he came in he saw those things and right away was upset. Those things were matchbox cars that Doug had gotten for Joey in some form or fashion, still in their packaging. That was his moment. Lizzie's came later when I told her that she had to sleep in her own bed that night because my bed was covered with 'clutter'. Mine came after they were in bed as I went through the last box...the box that had all of our (Doug and mine) nightstand things. I knew it would be rough, but I just did it...ripped the band-aid off and did it. And I was fine until I found a photo album that I remembered but I didn't remember what was in it, so I opened it and found that it was full of the comments left on Doug's FaceBook page shortly after his passing. Naturally I started reading them. I was doing great until I came to a dear friend who simply posted the lyrics to the song, "I can only imagine". I lost it for two reasons: one, that song is powerful to me and has so much more meaning than it used to and two, the person who wrote it is a dear friend and I know her heart. After that I couldn't continue reading without shedding more tears.

The moral of this? There comes a time when you realize that you're going to be alright and in that alright-ness you realize it's 'alright' to down-right throw a fit and allow yourself to have a good cry. It was about two hours ago that I went through that album and an hour since I finished my project (OK, it's not completely done! But WELL on it's way and there's no more clutter!) and I'm fine. My Jesus was with me in those moments and reminded me He is ever near ;-)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Little Things

I sit here this morning ready to take on my day. I got up at a decent time, got the kids up and started, and got my morning cup of joe. As it was brewing my boy (a Joe himself, hehe) asks me what an obituary is. "Why do you ask? Is it mentioned in the book you're reading?" I ask. "Yes" he answered. I then explain what an obituary is and proceed to explain that his dad had one. "He did?" "Yup" "Where's it at?" "We have a copy somewhere and it's online (through the funeral parlor we used). Want me to read it to you?" Surprisingly he says he does.

It surprised me because in all this time since Doug's passing I've let Joey be the guide, Lizzie too. I've let them tell me when it's OK to talk about dad and when it's not, I've not pushed them to do anything they've not wanted to do in regards to their dad. And of the two Joey has been the one not wanting to talk of Doug UNLESS he brings it up. Even when we had the viewing I stayed home with Joey while my best friend took Lizzie because he didn't want to go and she did. The only thing I did do was take Joey to the parlor the day of the viewing so we could have a private viewing. I didn't push Joey, but rather encouraged him as I didn't want him to look back and regret not seeing his dad one last time. During that private viewing Joey was reserved, but he had that moment.

So, today. I read him the obituary and knew that he probably wished he hadn't heard it, but he pressed on and listened. He teared up, but I'm sure it was for the same reason I did...good memories were rising to the surface and the realization that dad is not here hit again.

But my Joe is resilient and knows how to get the point across that he's done...right after we read the obituary and talked for a moment he turned his attention to the wire he was holding making it dance and marking the end of the conversation. I love my boy ;-)

Monday, September 5, 2011

There are times when I find that I don't wanna deal. I just want to wait until the storm passes over, til I'm home, or when the bills are screaming at me to get paid. But is that the way that God wants us? I don't think so.

I have the luxury of being on vacation for a few days and I'm really loving it...yet there's this persistent nagging that is the cause of this blog...school. But is it really school or just a habit that I've set up for myself and school is just the mask? School is needing to get done, but because I'm not at home with my usual routine I openly admit that it's harder to make the time to get it done and it's not screaming at me so it must be OK to put off...right? No. Let me make it known that I am getting school done while enjoying some much needed time off. Yet I'm being made aware of something bigger than just school: the fact that I would rather deal with the here and now and what's in front of me than the stuff that needs attention but isn't going to vie against other things for it.

Again I ask, is this what God wants for me? No. I believe that He would want me to deal with the pain now, with Him walking me through it, than later possibly alone and flailing about. That's what He does, walks us through the pain, through the sorrow, for a better tomorrow.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

busy...

I've heard it said, many times, that busy is an acronym for Being Under Satan's Yoke. I've also pondered that and agree with it somewhat. If I'm too busy then I get caught up in the busy-ness of life instead of focusing on the ultimate goal - Jesus.

I'm writing this for many reasons, some easy to point out and others...well..a little less. I actually came to the conclusion that I'm too busy when I started looking into a dating site and actually talking to people. I realized, "Oh my goodness! Where am I going to fit THAT in?" Then it hit me...I'm somewhat too busy and VERY scheduled! Scheduled is not bad, it's good to have schedules and keep them. It's not good to live in such a way that there's no room for the spontaneous and by spontaneous I mean the thing that sounds fun but if I did it I would stress out because that meant something else that needed to be done didn't get done! I believe that our God is a god of order, yet also a god of balance.

Balance. Yet another thing that fits into this whole 'busy' thing. We have to remain balanced in order to live a healthy happy life. We cannot be all work and no play and we cannot be all play and no work...there is order and balance in this. If that means that the work (house cleaning, laundry, dishes...etc...) waits while you play, then so be it; if that means that the play (the skiing, the softball, the games...etc...) wait while you work, then so be it. We (OK I really mean, I) need to learn that it is OK for the dishes to wait a minute while my girl tells me a story or my boy wants me to play video games with him (yes I do and I love it!), but that also means that I can wait to play if the dishes are needing to be done. And the glory of it is that I can learn from others who have a 'system' and get to do both because they've been diligent.

Diligence. That's another one that goes hand in hand with balance. If I am diligent with what the Lord has blessed me with then I won't be so busy that I miss out on what the Lord has for me; I will get to play because all my work is done!

All this to say that I do not live under the acronym of BUSY, I live under the banner of the almighty God! And as for the dating site...I will make time for that without sacrificing any time dedicated for work or play with my kids, if the Lord wills of course ;-).

Monday, July 18, 2011

Yesterday

Yep, The Beatles!

Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

As many of you know, yesterday marked the two year anniversary of Doug's passing. It came so fast. I miss him immensely and as I've said, it's become an easier form of hard. But that's not why I'm blogging today. I'm blogging for His goodness to us!

All along this journey God has shown us that He is for us and if He is for us then who can be against us (Romans 8:31)? The first year was rough and many a day was spent remembering what was lost; knowing that God was there made it easier to walk this path. During that first year we celebrated all the holidays and honestly felt a little 'off'. Also during that first year we celebrated what would have been Doug's 40th birthday. What I didn't know was that God had a marvelous plan (doesn't He always?!). Early that morning a good friend went into labor and my niece was born! She wasn't due for another two weeks I believe, but God knew that we needed joy that day, not only me and the kids, but our extended family as well. My Father in heaven showered me that year with many joys, her birth being the icing on the cake.

The second year was better; still felt 'off' at certain times, but knew He was ever near to us and holding us in His will. The first anniversary the kids and I (along with close family friends) went to an amusement park and had a blast. I had determined that it was going to be a good day...and it was! This year was a little different...the anniversary fell on a Sunday which meant that we got to go to church! When I talked to the kids about what they wanted to do that day, I made sure they knew that we would be in church that morning, missing morning service was not an option. I think once I made that decision God went a workin! But, let me back up, when I started asking them what they wanted to do for the 17th (about two weeks prior), they both looked at me questioningly and I realized that they hadn't been aware that the anniversary was coming up! Not that they don't miss their dad, because they do! But rather because their little hearts are starting to heal and heal in such a way that they know they can embrace what is put before them, remember their dad and know that God is with them along the way! SO, back to yesterday: God knew that we would need redemption for that day and boy did He ever give it! We witnessed five of our closest friends, four of which are children, get baptized and totally give their lives to the Lord's work! Talk about redemption baby! What better way to celebrate the loss of a live here on this earth than by celebrating NEW life! God is SO good!

He is ever near and with us...all of us! There is not one of His children that He isn't caring for RIGHT NOW! Proverbs says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5,6, NKJV). This, among many other verses, has been a strong tether to the Lord; I hold onto this verse as if it were my life line to my Abba Father.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Correlations

I was in my quiet time this morning when I realize something: the circumstances of my life are like mushrooms. Yup, like mushrooms. If anyone knows me they know that I don't particularly like mushrooms and I'm not shy to admit it either. I'll even go as far as saying that mushrooms will not be in heaven! But today I saw them in a different light.

Let me back up a bit.

Sunday one of my sister friends and I were sitting in church and the announcements came on our projector screens. It's getting close to Father's Day so one of the announcements was a reminder of that important date. My first reaction (and the one I went with sadly) was to give the announcements a sticking out of my tongue, simply because I know my kids won't get to spoil their biological daddy. Later, my dear friend made a comment about that incident (in a very loving and caring way), suggesting that maybe we (because she and I have felt very much the same way about the circumstances of my life) should change how we view things. That got me thinking, but not enough to actually change. Until yesterday. I was on my way home from work when I heard a blib on the radio, I don't even remember what the announcer's name was! But I remember the story about his wife. Basically, she's excited for spring/summer because then she can run without rain. He told how she would go out in the winter to run and come back saying something like, "Well that was worth it!" And the spring has been no better, full of rain which meant lousy running weather. Recently, though, she changed her attitude and would come back saying, "At least I got to run".

My prayer this morning turned into just that, "At least I'm running Lord, now help me to change so that my life reflects that attitude". I even began to pray something to the affect of, "Let me run in such a way that even those who know me best and have joined me in saying 'This sucks!' won't know when I'm having a moment", not that I can't let anyone in and know what's going on, just that the real me isn't someone who lives like she's broken even when only with her inner circle.

OK, so where do mushrooms come in? Last week I ordered pizza for the kids and I; I always order two because we all like different things (always plenty of leftovers!). Mine was a vegetarian this time and I forgot to tell them to leave off the mushrooms. I found, though, that they added to the pizza and I wouldn't have known that if I didn't leave them on (Yes, I ate them, I didn't pick them off!). So how are the circumstances of my life like mushrooms? If I didn't have the circumstances of my life, I wouldn't be who I am today...just like that pizza would have been different, maybe not as good (and it was GOOD!) as it was...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Camp and other thoughts...

"Write", He says. "Write what?" I ask. I sit in a room, all to myself and wonder just exactly He wants me to write. But that's all I get. The Lord is mysterious and glorious all in one and I'm not sure what He wants me to do. But one thing I do know is that He wants me to write. So, write I shall.

So many thoughts roaming through my head, yet one rings out the loudest: my children. They are on their annual camping trip with the church. I know they're going to have a blast and miss me a little, yet one thought screams out at me: THIS IS MY GIRL'S FIRST YEAR! I'm so nervous, so anxious and honestly I want to go and get her! But I know that I can't do that. She probably wouldn't protest too much, but that would be just plain embarrassing! I don't recall being this way with the boy; when it was his first year I pretty much pushed him out! Yet that was a different time, with a different child. He's my healthy version of a mama's boy and once he said he wanted to go to camp I jumped at it! And I was nervous, but I knew that if I fostered the 'mama's boy' in him then he would fit the stereotype and I did not want that! And, their dad was alive.

This is not only her first year at camp, but also her first real time being away from BOTH mom and dad without another relative nearby. Yes, her brother is there; but let's be honest...he's a boy! I did make mention for him to watch out for her and make sure she was OK and all, but still.

So, as we're getting loaded up and ready to go I see the signs. The signs of, "I don't really like this, but I'm going to do it anyway" rising in my girl. I've learned just how different these two can be since Doug's home-going and she deals with things in a particular way. She'll get real hyper and kind of clingy and in your face and over the top with things...that's how she was. So, my prayer is that this evening as they're all winding down in their cabins my girl will find a counselor she can trust and become a shadow with.

I kind of miss my little shadow...

Monday, June 6, 2011

Hmmm

So many thoughts...so little time...It's about 8:40 at night and as calm as can be in the house. It's a gorgeous evening as well...I made a mistake though. I went down memory lane. I saw some pictures on facebook of my dear Doug and instantly I'm pulled back into those days. Those days. That has two meanings: the days of a marriage that at those times was nothing and the days when I was married at all. Now I don't have a choice. Well, I do, and I choose to go through this with flying colors (says the girl who follows the rules and the ABC order of life and wants nothing but the best), but I don't because now I am not married...that was taken from me.

I've done a lot of thinking in the last few days. Thinking about my marriage, my life since then, and what exactly have I learned in this trial? My marriage was just beginning to be what God had called it to be, and now it's gone. My life since Doug's passing has been interesting to say the least, as well as humbling. And I am learning just what I have learned in all this.

I learned that I am strong. That I make a great mom and an OK dad (I'm thankful for my kids' Uncle who fills that role as much as he can). That I'm vulnerable and it's OK to say that I need help. That I'll bend...but I won't break.

You see, I've done a lot of bending. Most of which I'm sure the enemy wanted to break me, but either my God is bigger (which is where I'm going here) or I'm down-right stubborn! Our God is bigger than ANYTHING the enemy throws at us...and that's what I've got to remember when looking down memory lane.

I believe I will marry again. God has told me to dream as a little girl dreams of her wedding. He's told me it will be divine, meaning that it will be divinely made and I'll only have Him to praise for it all. And He's given me just about the best kids on the face of the planet to walk this road with me (one just happened to pop down to the computer area ;-) ).

We can go on...just lean on Him, hope in Him, and trust that He is ever near...Blessings sweet friends...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Prayers...

I pray often. I like to say (stolen from someone else, not sure who though...possibly Joyce Meyer), "I don't pray for more than fifteen minutes, but I don't go fifteen minutes without praying". And today in my prayer time I was praying for my future...specifically my future spouse. You see, I believe God when He says things. His word says that it's not good that man should be alone (Genesis 2:18, NKJV); that what ever we ask in prayer we'll receive (Matthew 21:22, NKJV); and my favorite verse (probably my life-verse if I were to have one!), "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV).

So, I'm praying. As I'm praying I remember a book I'm reading by Stormie O'Martian called Just enough light for the step I'm on and I pray, "I lay this desire at Your feet and if it's not Your will for my life, take it". And after that I read today's Berean verse of the day that gets emailed to me every morning, "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace" (James 3:17 & 18, NKJV). Instantly I felt at peace. His wisdom is pure! And because I believe His word I know that I can trust when I read that His wisdom is pure first and THEN all the rest! So I can rest knowing that HIS wisdom is pure, that in this time of singleness I can rest in HIS pure wisdom.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know the future holder. I know that He promised me a future and a hope; I know that He'll never leave me nor forsake me; and I know that He hears my cries of loneliness and that He hears my prayers. I also know that I will marry again. I continue to pray both for my future spouse and that if it's not in His will to take that desire away. I've only been praying that way for a few days...but the desire is still there. But, I desire Him more....He is all I need.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Dream

I woke up this morning after another dream. Yep, another dream of Doug. I had one last week and that particular day was horrible. This dream I choose to make sure that didn't happen. I know that Doug was in it, I remember thinking, "I cannot wait to put my FB status as 'married' again!" and also "Sweet! Doug can take the kids to the pinewood derby and I can get my test done without any interruptions!" and then I woke up.

Instantly I was thrown into a tailspin, simply because this was the kind of dream that I thought was real and usually I wake up devastated by those dreams. Before I got out of bed I remember praying, "OK Lord, that was tough and this is even tougher, but please show me what this means. Please help me to take away the things most obvious in this dream and show me what You're trying to show me."

Not to mention a few weeks back as I was on my way home from work a favorite song came on, Phil Wickham's Divine Romance...I've decided it's the song I share with my Husband, the Lover of my soul. Anyway, at that moment I felt that He was telling me to dream. I don't ever remember dreaming as a child of a wedding or having kids or anything like that, so it's like He was challenging me to dream of a wedding, what it would be like and what my future is going to look like. I started bawling! So, what does that have to do with the dreams I've been having? I really believe He is preparing me for a wedding, to be married again.

I look as these dreams as if He's preparing me for what's to come. Not that I know the time, for it's in His timing all things take place, yet it's almost as if I feel something on the horizon, something big. Do I wish for a tall, dark, handsome, God-fearing man to be what's on the horizon? UMMM, YES! But do I wish for His will more than that futuristic man? An even bigger yes than before! I don't want anything if it's going to come in between me and my first Love. He's shown me things that I've never dreamed of, and I don't want that to be taken away.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter

I sit here in my sitting room finishing my book report, when His overwhelming love pours over me. This is the day that we remember His resurrection and also the day of my stupid book report being turned in. I've known about this book report for five weeks now and sadly I pushed it off until the last possible moment. I chose a stupid book for a stupid reason, an easy grade. What I didn't realize is that while I was going for the easy grade He was pushing healing. The book? A parent's guide to raising grieving children. Yup...stupid. At first I waited a week to even get a book, so then I felt that I had to get a book that I could relate too in order to get a good grade. That's when I found this book, yet it's not one I could simply just read like I do other books. At times I had to just put it down, I couldn't take it due to it being so close to home. I did finish it though, I eventually had to push through and read it! This is also the class that I've turned in at least two assignments late, probably three! So, I knew I had to get it in gear and JUST DO IT!

I finished the book yesterday morning and started the report yesterday afternoon, after some much needed time with the kiddos. It seemed that the report just flew off my fingers, came naturally and I was able to finish this afternoon confidently.

You may be asking though, "What does His love have to do with this?" The song that was playing on the stereo as I finished reading and proofing was "Healer"...He IS my Healer! I believe that He's my Healer! He's all that I need and more than enough for me! Praise the Lord! I know that I will have tough times and that it will seem the end of the world for me...BUT He is my Healer! He is there to pick up the broker pieces and gently prod me to continue on!

Oh how I love this God of mine! I'm in awe that He saw me worthy to die on the cross for me! And I'm thankful that He is true to His word and He rose again! Be blessed this resurrection day!

Friday, April 22, 2011

hmmm...



***sigh***

I should have seen this coming. I probably did, if I'm honest with myself. You see, this morning I woke up after having had a dream about Doug. I haven't had one in some time, so when I awoke I felt that the dream was the reality and this world I'm in is the dream...and I hate dreams like that; thankfully I've only had two.

This one was a good one: I dreamt that we lived in our current house with the Berthoud's right across the street still. I remember Doug just 'being' there, being real and that's probably what hurts the most...in my dream he was real and there and let me hold him and he hold me. I remember thinking, "Oh yea! Jareb has his best-friend back!" and "how exactly is this going to work? I mean, are we still married or do we have to go through that again?". I remember waking up and realizing that was the dream...and this is reality.

I said earlier that I should have seen this coming, which is true. The last few weeks I've felt challenged. I've felt the Lord asking me to do things I've not wanted to do and I've put off. I still have several of Doug's clothing items that I wear (as work clothes or pajamas [all his other clothes I've put away for Joey to go through if he wants when he's older]). I believe the Lord asked me to trust Him and to get rid of those last few items, things that aren't worth saving for Joey nor worth giving away. So, over the course of the last few weeks I've washed or thrown out those items and yesterday I bought new work clothes to replace the clothes I would be getting rid of. This, I believe, is where the dream came from.

So now I have a choice: to say, "OK Lord, this is YOUR day, do with it as you will!" or "This sucks, come get me when the days over cuz I'm hiding in my hole". It's days like today that really come down to me and my attitude. I've already prayed (several times, really) and often times it feels as if the Lord is saying, "Come on, you can do this, I'm here with you but you know what to do" and challenging us to move on and move up. However, that doesn't mean it's easy.

My choice today is to rest in the knowledge that He knows the plans He has for me, "plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV). This has been my life verse and I hold onto it now more than ever!

Blessings my friends...

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Glory of my God!

I heard the best words today..."it's your last day!". OK, let me explain. I had put in a request to change shifts and today I was told that I got it and it was my last day up in the smalls department! This is all due to my kids' needs...plain and simple, they need me. They had been doing great until a few weeks ago and I began to see the stress in their eyes; stress of doing things that I would do if I had been there. So, I put in the request and left it in the Lord's hands. I had thought that it would be some time before I got transferred, but our God is mighty and when He moves, HE MOVES!

SO, on the way home I was praying and just started weeping. The kind of weeping that I'm sure people driving around me thought I was experiencing something terrible! If they only knew! I prayed for some friends, thanked God for the move, and prayed for myself. In my praying I had a vision of Him coming into my friends' lives and covering them over as a sealant does over concrete. Sort of like their lives were seemingly cracking and He was coming in over them to seal them seamlessly, no cracks remaining.

My prayer for myself was beautiful. I prayed that God would prepare for His daughter someone worthy of His daughter, someone perfected in His image! AND that He would prepare ME for His son! Create and perfect in ME someone worthy of His son! Oh, it was a great ride home from work!

God is good, He still is there just as He says in His word. Look for Him in the least expected places, because that's where He is!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Ahh...

Today I am reminded just Whose I am...I am His.

Yesterday was not so good...if you heard a call for "Pity, party of one!", it was for me. I was frustrated with school, life, and anything in between! BUT today is a new day. Yes, life is still happening and school assignments still due, however I am reminded that He knows the plans He has for me, to prosper and not harm, to bring me a future and a hope; that if I seek Him I will find Him! (Jer 29:11-13).

I have to admit that I woke up in a great mood, that even though I have three late assignments for the same class, today is a new day! However, I then rolled over and got out of bed. God is good though, because shortly after I got out of bed I was shown the above verse by two different sources and yet another that was OH SO POWERFUL! The other is Zeph 3:17, "Your God is present among you-a strong warrior there to save you-happy to have you back-he'll calm you with His love" (Lisa Bevere version).

Oh Lord how I need you this day! Thank you for your goodness and mercy!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Names

I sit here this morning, resting in His presence. It's the best way to start a day in my opinion, and one way I wish I did more of...however, that is not the point of this post. As I am sitting here I am reading verses, proclaiming them over myself, when the last line hits me solid, square in the nose, "I am not the great 'I AM', but by the grace of God I am what I am". As I said those words aloud I started crying. You see, that name of God is precious to me. All His names are, but this one is the one He spoke directly to me in two very different fashions.

About five or six years ago a friend of mine passed away, leaving me angry and confused. I had SO many questions, wondering why He would take someone so young. I actually yelled at Him. And you know what? He yelled back! He said very lovingly and firmly, "I AM!". At that point I shut up, He had spoken and I knew when I should just be quiet, lol! That was the first time.

Now fast forward from that point to July 17, 2009. Most of you know that that day was the day my world went black, torn from the inside out. That morning my sweet Doug went to be with Jesus and I was left in a whirlwind of questions yet again. I calmly, quietly, meekly asked, "Why?" Why would God take Doug? Why would He allow this to happen? Why would He leave us so physically alone? Guess what His answer was? A calm, quiet, meek, "I am". Instantly, I felt calmed, felt His peace all over me. Did I have the answers I wanted? NO. But I knew the One who had the answers and I had the peace that if He wanted me to know He would tell me in His time.

This brings us to today. Today is a reminder that He is the great I AM, the One Who was, Who is, and Who is to come. Do I have the answers? No. Do I still live in the midst of the storm? At times, however the One who calms the storms is with me and more often than not if I give them to Him He will take them, or at least stay with me through the storm.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Love

Love...what does it mean to you? To me it means many things...I love my kids, my car, my Savior, just to name a few. We Americans have many names of love, but today I speak of the Father's love for us.

I woke up just like I do every weekday...3 am, stumbling in the dark to get ready for work. Once I was on the road I began to think; which sometimes can be very dangerous, although I've learned to weigh it with the Word. So as I'm thinking I pass the hospital that was the last place Doug was alive at...which throws me into a tail spin of sorts. I begin to think of the last few moments, of sitting there next to him pleading with God to raise Doug, and then of saying, "not my will but Yours, oh Lord". That last thought reminded me that God is in control and although I may have moments in this 'storm' HE'S GOT IT!

So, I have my moment.

But it gets better. All morning all I've heard is songs about how He is in control, songs of 'beauty from pain' (superchick), of 'fields of grace' (big daddy weave), and oh so many more! And reminders in devotions of Immanuel - GOD WITH US!! I felt like a princess all over again; you see in the beginning of this storm I felt so wrapped up like a princess in His arms and today He was reminding me of that feeling!

He loves us, OH HOW HE LOVES US! Don't let a storm steal that joy from you, don't let the storm destroy you, for He loves you! When those storms come (because they will) REMEMBER Whose you are! We are all children of the Most High God with the authority to ask ANYTHING in His name! Does that mean that we will get it? No, but He hears us and even if the answer is "No" (as in my request of raising Doug), the answer doesn't come with a "figure this out for yourself", it comes with a mighty arm that's attached to a big should that we can cry on and be carried for a while.

He loves us...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I woke up one morning and realized all was so different. Just the day before I had a husband, a complete family and pretty complete joy. Now, all those are seemingly shattered. I don't have a physical husband anymore; my family isn't my idea of complete; and I struggle every day for true joy.
Today I reflect on many things. I try not to take as much for granted and live every day that I can...but the fact remains that I am physically alone. The voices come and come hard, yelling sometimes that I am alone and there is no one here to protect me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity or a hand-out. What I want is a companion in this journey called life. My companion was stolen and my dreams of him remind me of that fact.
I want someone to come do the "daddy jobs"...yes, the disgusting clean up jobs that NO ONE in their right mind would voluntarily do...but they have to be done. I want someone to watch movies with while I do my nails...not a movie that has ANY ANIMATION in it what-so-ever! I want someone to talk about my day with at the end of my day, to listen to their day and cry on their shoulder.
I don't want to be all walled up as if nothing is wrong. I don't want to be the only one responsible any more...I wanna say yes to all the candy for once! (for the kids ;-)) I don't want to be jaded, bitter or unresponsive.
I want someone to bake for (other than myself!). I want to enjoy someone's talents. I want to be challenged in a relationship. I want to be important and loved.
I'm not writing this for response, nor really for anyone's eyes but mine and the Lords. I am writing this so that I give place to the process in my head, without giving the voices place in my life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Choices...

CHOICES

We all have choices. I know that I have spoken on this subject before, but it is ever present! WE HAVE CHOICES! In our everyday lives we have choices; we choose to get up or stay in bed, to eat breakfast or not, to get offended and hurt…or not. Most recently I have made some trips where I have felt more than ever the importance of my choices. The world says that we have the right to “have a bad day” when our coffee spills, the fish tank filter won’t fit right and the hose leading to the fish tank sprays all over you. Yes, these events did happen, all in one day, and the sad part is I asked my seven year old daughter if I could say that I’ve had a bad day! What am I teaching her?!! That when bad circumstances happen I can chalk it up to a “bad day”? NO! That’s not right! Thankfully I recognized the pattern I could have set into motion and told her (after the hose sprayed all over myself!) that I would be going to take a shower and then spend some time in prayer; yes I had a bad day, thankfully I choose to give it to my heavenly Father to take over.

Well what do you do when life hands you lemons? Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers! What do your lemons look like? My lemons don’t look like yours and I’m sure your lemons don’t look like mine, but the outcome should always be the same…right choices. We are given “lemons” (and by lemons I mean the bad days in our lives [you know, the car won’t start, the coffee got burnt and the dog ran out the door and down the street!]) either as testing by the Father or by the enemy of our soul to try and thwart our advances for the kingdom. Now, thankfully I wasn’t sold into slavery, however I look at Joseph’s live and ask, “What can I learn from him?” What can we learn? We can learn patience. He was put in a pit for a period of time; then sold to the Egyptians as a slave in Potiphar’s house until Potiphar’s wife came after him and he was put in prison. THEN he sat. While in prison he interpreted dreams for the butler and baker. Both of the interpretations of the dreams came true yet the butler forgot about Joseph. TWO FULL YEARS LATER Pharaoh had dreams AND THEN the butler remembered Joseph in prison! I know that I would totally be dwelling on the fact that I was wronged and put in prison for no reason! Yet we aren’t shown that; we’re shown that Joseph was patient and waited upon the Lord. It was through the Pharaoh’s dreams that Joseph was finally freed and the restoration process was beginning.

We can learn forgiveness. Alright, alright…yes I went there! It is when we are in un-forgiveness that bitterness can take root. God didn’t just forgive the sins that He deemed worthy of forgiveness, He forgave them all at the cross! So why is it that we think we can hold a grudge against someone who may have wronged us? Josephs’ brothers threw him in a pit and sold him into slavery! And we aren’t shown one iota of bitterness from Joseph toward his brothers. We would see it when his brother’s came for food during the famine. He wasn’t exactly honest with them, yet he still sold them food. He tested them to see where they stood. He wanted to be with them, yet was apprehensive and understandably so! I believe this is what the Lord asks of us…not to be doormats and take what others dish out, yet to test the waters so-to-speak and see where things stand. At this time the brother’s realized what had happened, that they were suffering for what they had done with Joseph, but they did not know it was him that they were bowing to. Joseph wept for the situation and what I feel is a realization that God is there and is a restoring God! The Lord is our everything-even a restorer of things once lost.

We can learn restoration. Joseph was the favored one in his house and for that he was taken. He was sold into slavery, brought up and then put in prison and forgotten about. He was then taken into Pharaoh’s house and promoted yet again; this man Joseph had the favor of God all over him for everywhere Joseph went he was promoted! Then his family was brought to him due to famine in the land. He didn’t just jump right into their arms, he tested them as he felt the Lord leading and once he felt it was safe to do so he revealed who he was and was restored to his family.

I tend to think that I’ve got it pretty hard sometimes, that God has left me out in the wilderness to figure things out, yet that is a lie. God is with us and for us. He brings us to places where we HAVE to say, “OK God, you got this cuz I sure don’t!” and it’s at those places where He can minister most to us. It’s at the places where all we have is up that He comes in and takes over, as long as we relinquish the control! And I’ll openly admit that letting go is hard! I tell Him often that this road is hard and I really, REALLY, don’t like it, but I am willing to walk it because I know He is with me every step of the way.