What if...

What if instead of getting to the end of ourselves we get to....the end of ourselves? Confused? I was too. But it really is oh so clear. I have found lately that I just can't do it all. I have to ask for help, I have to seek the Lord on matters, and I have to reach out to others. If I continued doing it all by myself I would get to the end of myself, I would burn out and fail miserably.

But, on the flip side, if I get to the end of myself the way that God has designed then I will succeed. I will sail instead of fail and soar to the highest of highs...with the Lord being my strength and shield.

I have issues (those that know and love me know that for certain!) but those issues will not just resolve themselves, and I cannot fix them. I've got to do things God's way, seek Him in all I do, so that those issues become success stories, so I can look back and see what God has taught me instead of seeing failures.

Get your seat belt on tight for this one!

Crazy dream:

It starts out with Susan, Jenna, and me in my room…like we were getting ready for something. Susan then says she smells something funny which reminds me that someone or something had been seriously sick in my room. It was on my bed (pooh) and on the floor by my window (barf…wet barf). I don’t mean to be graphic; I’m just giving the details of my dream ;-). So I say something to the effect of, “Yeah, I’m sorry, the cat got sick and I haven’t cleaned it up yet” (gross, I know…again my apologies). So we leave and Jenna and I are in the car (I think we were at the recreation center working out) when all of a sudden we see another car that has people dressed up as clowns. All of the people were tattooed in some way and two of the people were a couple we knew years ago. At that point Jenna backs her car up, keeping up with them going forward, and we started talking with them. They were shocked to see us, but were pleasant nonetheless and then we go on about our business. Then (you know the fun part about dreams? When you’re all of a sudden in a different ‘scene’ and you don’t know how you got there! That’s what happened at this point) I was at my house and the gross mess was still there, yet there were several things missing. Namely my memory boxes, a nightstand, and a headboard (I don’t even have a head board!). Oh, and I noticed I had a messed up thermostat, which right now works fine. Instantly, I was upset and I didn’t know what to do. So I called Jenna (at this time she was not physically with me) and told her what had happened. After I got off the phone with her I just sobbed at the loss. I could care less about the nightstand and headboard (that I don’t have anyway, lol!) but my heart ached for those memory boxes and what was in them. What importance do they hold? They are mostly Doug. So I sat there, then lay there, a sobbing mess. Until Jenna got there again. I got the feeling that she was rather annoyed with my sobbing and wanting me to just get over it as it was just stuff, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let this go. I remember looking at her and saying, “They even took my headboard! I think I had a headboard…?” and when I went into the room that’s when I saw my mirror filled with dust. As I looked up my ceiling was a mess! There were pictures and sketchings and drawings all over! Mostly the sayings were of the encouraging kind and the pictures were pictures that would have been from before Doug passed away, so seemingly from a memory box (I do not believe that there are pictures in either of the memory boxes I own, but that’s the way my mind wrapped it up!) and when I looked further (in total shock now, more shock than when I was when Doug died!) I saw that they had taken down something on my wall that I had put there, but where I looked in my dream is where my light switch is! I also remember seeing a ceiling fan, which I do not have and I also was together enough to know I had to call the cops. I got the feeling that this happened while I was napping rather than while I was out with Jenna, but I could not get over the fact that I was in the house when it happened (I may have thought that because I was ‘napping’ at the time of the dream…?). I also felt that Doug was there as well, but not in the room so I couldn’t be sure. This again ensued a plethora of sobs, which may have caused Jenna to leave (I don’t do drama either, so I’m not really surprised…I am surprised at the amount of emotion I put into this dream though!) and then Doug was there. I was still so upset, I explained everything to him while in the kitchen (in the house I now live in and he’s not ever lived in) when he showed me our skylight (which he must have insisted upon because I currently do not have a skylight anywhere in the house, nor do I plan on putting one in!). The skylight had a sticker on it, one that must have not been there before, and instantly we knew who did the break in…the couple Jenna and I had seen while driving. The sticker was nothing spectacular, just something that they would have put up. All throughout this time I got the feeling that all they wanted to do was help, but they didn’t know what to do or how to help, so they did what they knew. After seeing the sticker and telling Doug about working out and seeing the couple I woke up…very confused at what had just happened. And also checking my room for anything out of place ;-).

Oh my

Where do I begin! For starters, this is a late blog. I gave my word that I would write one blog a week for the entire year and I have failed.

Next would be my search engine...normally Google but this evening for some unexplained reason Google is not working as I believe it should and it is irritating me.

Before that my computer gave me other issues that were mostly not it's fault, but rather operator error (a better term is 'operator ignorance'). I was working on my almost due research paper for a class that I've had issues turning things in on time for some reason or another when all of a sudden things started acting heywire. I credit the fact that I was trying to read a document and couldn't open it so I downloaded what I thought would be a safe download to decipher the document so I could read it. Well, lesson learned.

Before that was goodnews: I only had one test and my research paper due today when I thought I had two tests and the research paper.

Before that I had taken a biology test which I failed. Both of my classes have given me a run for my money, but this time I thought I was well prepared for the test and apparently I wasn't. I've since emailed the professor to see if there is anything more I could do to be better prepared for my quizzes in that particular class.

Before that I was bombarded with the thought that I had to try and get two tests and a research paper done today.

And before that I was at work trying to figure out how I was going to get everything done that I needed to get done.

Needless to say...I was overwhelmed. OH, I forgot to mention that I have a Bible study tomorrow that I've not yet begun...and my kids need my undivided attention...oi.

What do I learn from this? Where do I go? My initial thought is, "If only Doug were still here" quickly followed by, "If only SOMEONE were here". But would having a spouse really solve all my problems or just add to them? Sure, I'd have someone physically here to help with the house, the kids, the work, etc...but then a whole slew of other things could come out of it if it is not in HIS timing! So, I can't go there.

The obvious answer is that I go to the Lord. I lay it all down at His feet and recognize that somewhere along the way, I messed up. I know where I did and that's between the Lord and I, and now I get to repent, dust myself off, and allow Him to pick me back up.

Now, if you'll excuse me a certain 11 year old is waiting patiently for me to come join him in a movie so good he wants to watch it a second time while I watch it for the first time ;-)