Tuesday, July 8, 2014

I hate July

Yep...I said it, "I HATE July".  I can honestly say that I think I've never really been too fond of the month of July; outside of the fact that my brother was born July is just plain hot...and I don't do well with hot.  But nearly five years ago my hatred of the month began to take hold and hasn't let go yet.

I know what you're thinking...I've got to just let it go. Can I be frank here? No one can really just let the death of a loved one go. No matter who that person was to you they were a part of you and they always will be. Doug will ALWAYS be a part of my life, no matter what.  Which means that to some degree I will ALWAYS hate the month of July.

This wasn't meant to be short and sweet, right now it feels like it may be, but who knows...maybe the writing bug has hit and I'll write a novel ;-).  The point I did want to make is that while hate is such a strong word, a word not to be taken lightly, it really is the only word I have to describe my feelings this evening.  I have felt this bubbling feeling for a few days now...and so has my man who is wonderful in all this...and I can't deny it any more. I actually thought that there was something else going on...that maybe Carl (the wonderful man) had done something (there was a situation, but nothing warranting the feelings that were bubbling below the surface), but when it was all said and done I found myself bawling on my bed realizing that next Thursday is 5 years since my beloved left this earth.  And along with that realization came the fact that for the first time in probably my whole life I am allowing myself to feel...really feel! And I felt hate! I felt anger all over again, hate at the fact that he's not here anymore, hope for the future (hope scares me spit-less!), love for those around me, new love for the man in my life (and his amazing kids!)...and then back to hate. No, I didn't go round and round like that, but going round and round emotionally does happen occasionally!

I didn't want to write this originally...I don't want people to think that I'm dwelling on the past or that I'm some kind of whack job Christian who walks around with hate in her heart. Yes, there is this part of me that grieves my husband not being here...and I HATE that he's not here to experience life with the wife of his youth and his beautiful children. But I don't stay there.  Which is why I write this.  I believe that I have fallen victim to a lie.  The lie that a 'good' Christian has it all together, doesn't secretly hate things in her heart, in completely compliant all the time, and is just perfect in every way.  You know what...I'M NOT PERFECT! I have flaws! (Ask my children...I'm sure they've got a list of all the things I've done wrong!) I am human and I make mistakes...and that's OK.

And if I'm not mistaken I am not alone in this.  I am pretty certain that I am not the only one who isn't perfect, who hasn't got it all together, or who has secrets that they feel others may be appalled at.  The one I'm willing to admit today is that I hate.  And I am not sorry to admit it because I know I am not alone and someone else needs to know that they are not alone either.  The difference between the feeling of hate and true hatred of something is this (in my opinion): The feeling of hate is just that...a feeling, a sense of ill will.  I do not remain in the feeling of hate, I recognize that it's there and I deal with it just as I would any other feeling.  And I pray...a lot. I know that I would not be where I am today without prayer and leaning on Jesus to help me through.