Correlations

I was in my quiet time this morning when I realize something: the circumstances of my life are like mushrooms. Yup, like mushrooms. If anyone knows me they know that I don't particularly like mushrooms and I'm not shy to admit it either. I'll even go as far as saying that mushrooms will not be in heaven! But today I saw them in a different light.

Let me back up a bit.

Sunday one of my sister friends and I were sitting in church and the announcements came on our projector screens. It's getting close to Father's Day so one of the announcements was a reminder of that important date. My first reaction (and the one I went with sadly) was to give the announcements a sticking out of my tongue, simply because I know my kids won't get to spoil their biological daddy. Later, my dear friend made a comment about that incident (in a very loving and caring way), suggesting that maybe we (because she and I have felt very much the same way about the circumstances of my life) should change how we view things. That got me thinking, but not enough to actually change. Until yesterday. I was on my way home from work when I heard a blib on the radio, I don't even remember what the announcer's name was! But I remember the story about his wife. Basically, she's excited for spring/summer because then she can run without rain. He told how she would go out in the winter to run and come back saying something like, "Well that was worth it!" And the spring has been no better, full of rain which meant lousy running weather. Recently, though, she changed her attitude and would come back saying, "At least I got to run".

My prayer this morning turned into just that, "At least I'm running Lord, now help me to change so that my life reflects that attitude". I even began to pray something to the affect of, "Let me run in such a way that even those who know me best and have joined me in saying 'This sucks!' won't know when I'm having a moment", not that I can't let anyone in and know what's going on, just that the real me isn't someone who lives like she's broken even when only with her inner circle.

OK, so where do mushrooms come in? Last week I ordered pizza for the kids and I; I always order two because we all like different things (always plenty of leftovers!). Mine was a vegetarian this time and I forgot to tell them to leave off the mushrooms. I found, though, that they added to the pizza and I wouldn't have known that if I didn't leave them on (Yes, I ate them, I didn't pick them off!). So how are the circumstances of my life like mushrooms? If I didn't have the circumstances of my life, I wouldn't be who I am today...just like that pizza would have been different, maybe not as good (and it was GOOD!) as it was...

Camp and other thoughts...

"Write", He says. "Write what?" I ask. I sit in a room, all to myself and wonder just exactly He wants me to write. But that's all I get. The Lord is mysterious and glorious all in one and I'm not sure what He wants me to do. But one thing I do know is that He wants me to write. So, write I shall.

So many thoughts roaming through my head, yet one rings out the loudest: my children. They are on their annual camping trip with the church. I know they're going to have a blast and miss me a little, yet one thought screams out at me: THIS IS MY GIRL'S FIRST YEAR! I'm so nervous, so anxious and honestly I want to go and get her! But I know that I can't do that. She probably wouldn't protest too much, but that would be just plain embarrassing! I don't recall being this way with the boy; when it was his first year I pretty much pushed him out! Yet that was a different time, with a different child. He's my healthy version of a mama's boy and once he said he wanted to go to camp I jumped at it! And I was nervous, but I knew that if I fostered the 'mama's boy' in him then he would fit the stereotype and I did not want that! And, their dad was alive.

This is not only her first year at camp, but also her first real time being away from BOTH mom and dad without another relative nearby. Yes, her brother is there; but let's be honest...he's a boy! I did make mention for him to watch out for her and make sure she was OK and all, but still.

So, as we're getting loaded up and ready to go I see the signs. The signs of, "I don't really like this, but I'm going to do it anyway" rising in my girl. I've learned just how different these two can be since Doug's home-going and she deals with things in a particular way. She'll get real hyper and kind of clingy and in your face and over the top with things...that's how she was. So, my prayer is that this evening as they're all winding down in their cabins my girl will find a counselor she can trust and become a shadow with.

I kind of miss my little shadow...

Hmmm

So many thoughts...so little time...It's about 8:40 at night and as calm as can be in the house. It's a gorgeous evening as well...I made a mistake though. I went down memory lane. I saw some pictures on facebook of my dear Doug and instantly I'm pulled back into those days. Those days. That has two meanings: the days of a marriage that at those times was nothing and the days when I was married at all. Now I don't have a choice. Well, I do, and I choose to go through this with flying colors (says the girl who follows the rules and the ABC order of life and wants nothing but the best), but I don't because now I am not married...that was taken from me.

I've done a lot of thinking in the last few days. Thinking about my marriage, my life since then, and what exactly have I learned in this trial? My marriage was just beginning to be what God had called it to be, and now it's gone. My life since Doug's passing has been interesting to say the least, as well as humbling. And I am learning just what I have learned in all this.

I learned that I am strong. That I make a great mom and an OK dad (I'm thankful for my kids' Uncle who fills that role as much as he can). That I'm vulnerable and it's OK to say that I need help. That I'll bend...but I won't break.

You see, I've done a lot of bending. Most of which I'm sure the enemy wanted to break me, but either my God is bigger (which is where I'm going here) or I'm down-right stubborn! Our God is bigger than ANYTHING the enemy throws at us...and that's what I've got to remember when looking down memory lane.

I believe I will marry again. God has told me to dream as a little girl dreams of her wedding. He's told me it will be divine, meaning that it will be divinely made and I'll only have Him to praise for it all. And He's given me just about the best kids on the face of the planet to walk this road with me (one just happened to pop down to the computer area ;-) ).

We can go on...just lean on Him, hope in Him, and trust that He is ever near...Blessings sweet friends...