First of all...I WAS ABLE TO GET INTO MY BLOG!!! The angel's are singing a sweet song in heaven, haha! I tried to get into my blog a few months back and gave up because I simply was NOT getting into my account and it was driving me nuts!! Now y'all can enjoy the ramblings of a sinner such as me, :-).
Second...time to blog ;-). I have had one heck of a day, okay really one heck of a few months. I wanted to title this "Somewhere I forgot God" because honestly that's how I felt...I forgot Him. He's never left me, I know this. But I also know that I doubt...and I doubt A LOT. Let me back up a minute...this morning my amazing husband left for work, which this week is in Wyoming. I woke up (WOKE UP) with uncertain feelings, and thought that I figured out what was going on...that I felt I was in competition for him with our youngest two children (who happen to be biologically his). And then I told him what I felt was going on. Not a good idea when your spouse is driving to his out of state job. After talking with my amazing sister and my pastor's wife (who is also amazing!) I realized that two things were happening: I was hormonal and I was jealous. My sister suggested devotion time along with a naturopathic doctor. My pastor's wife suggested prayer along with a listening ear. The hormones I got, but the jealousy got me...it was spot on though. These two are gifts from God above and I am so thankful for them! The problem got resolved; I told my husband that I never intended him to get upset (initially I think he was, but overall he wasn't) but rather that he knows what was going on in my head...I NEVER talked with Doug like that and while it may pain me greatly I won't do that with Carl. Now on to the doubts...
I doubt that I could be worthy of His love. Ummm...hello, GOD IS LOVE! First John 4:8 tells us just that...GOD IS LOVE.
I doubt that I am good enough to have anything. The good news is that I do not need to be good enough...to God I am good enough. Even though I doubt Him, and doubt myself in Him, I am good enough.
I doubt I have anything to offer anyone. In that massive comparison trap that I get myself into daily I find that there are so many others who are so much better at something than I am. But the good news is God isn't looking at anyone else and what they can do! He's looking at me and what I have to offer Him right at that moment. And He's also looking at my neighbor and what s/he has to offer Him at that moment. He's the ultimate multi-tasker who can be with more than one person at a time. I'm amazed at this because with four kids it's hard for me to focus on the one in front of me while the other is doing back flips off the trampoline! (That's never happened, but I would not be surprised if they've tried!).
I doubt that I am a good wife. Yep, I do. Carl tells me all the time how amazing I am, yet I still feel that I lack all that it takes and there's someone else out there who is better. That is a lie. God would not have placed Carl in my life if I weren't the one for him. I know that may sound quacky but I believe it's true. There have been too many coincidences for that to not be true. From the big he calls me out on things to the little favorite color things...God is all over this relationship. I am who Carl is to be with and he is who I am to be with...through it all.
I doubt that I am a good mom. Anyone who knows me knows that I have aimed to be the best mom that I can be, yet I still battle the doubt of being good enough for them. I don't make them cookies after school, iron their clothes, or sometimes even make them dinner. But I am their biggest advocate, cheerleader, prayer warrior...their friend when they need it and their parent when they've forgotten I'm their parent. They are all great kids who deserve the best and sadly sometimes I fall way short of the best, but I love them like no other and would do anything for them. (For the record, they do eat three meals a day ;-))
I doubt that I am a good friend. I have had friends I've known for years and I've had friends I've just met...all of whom I've felt that I'm not a good friend toward. While I take responsibility for my part of any dissolution of friendship I still think most of the time it has come down to I'm just not good friend material. I've always been a one-person kind of gal and unfortunately that means I don't have room for more than one close relationship in my life. That always bits me in the butt because I desire friendship! I really do like people, I just don't know how to maintain the friendship.
All this to say, I have doubts. And I'm not afraid to admit it. I have not left God out of the picture, He has not left me to my own demise. He loves me. My family loves me. I am worth all that and so much more...if I could only allow myself to grasp it.
