I woke up one morning and realized all was so different. Just the day before I had a husband, a complete family and pretty complete joy. Now, all those are seemingly shattered. I don't have a physical husband anymore; my family isn't my idea of complete; and I struggle every day for true joy.

Today I reflect on many things. I try not to take as much for granted and live every day that I can...but the fact remains that I am physically alone. The voices come and come hard, yelling sometimes that I am alone and there is no one here to protect me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity or a hand-out. What I want is a companion in this journey called life. My companion was stolen and my dreams of him remind me of that fact.

I want someone to come do the "daddy jobs"...yes, the disgusting clean up jobs that NO ONE in their right mind would voluntarily do...but they have to be done. I want someone to watch movies with while I do my nails...not a movie that has ANY ANIMATION in it what-so-ever! I want someone to talk about my day with at the end of my day, to listen to their day and cry on their shoulder.

I don't want to be all walled up as if nothing is wrong. I don't want to be the only one responsible any more...I wanna say yes to all the candy for once! (for the kids ;-)) I don't want to be jaded, bitter or unresponsive.

I want someone to bake for (other than myself!). I want to enjoy someone's talents. I want to be challenged in a relationship. I want to be important and loved.

I'm not writing this for response, nor really for anyone's eyes but mine and the Lords. I am writing this so that I give place to the process in my head, without giving the voices place in my life.