Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Thoughts from a broken heart

Today would have been Doug's 42nd birthday. You will be happy that I went to work and all was well. Until I started the drive home. I totally lost it...this is the third birthday that he's not been here and it does not get any easier. I was so angry, just so not understanding why it had to happen at all! How things would be so much easier with him here!

This road started after I heard a gentleman call in on the radio. They were talking about how the female of the show got a Valentine text from her dad and how most girls are still their dad's Valentines even well after their daughter's have grown up. This particular dad called in and said that he's been 'gloriously destroyed' by his daughter, that it's almost as if God says to girls when they are born that they have their daddy's wrapped around their fingers (paraphrased that last bit ;-) ).

That statement of being 'gloriously destroyed' got me thinking...have I been gloriously destroyed? Has every person who's loved one has passed away been gloriously destroyed? I pray that I have been! That all that I am going through is simply to bring Him glory! Does it mean I like the journey? Not every day, like today I really do not like this journey. But does it give me hope? Yes it does!

I didn't come to this conclusion right away though...actually to be honest I've just come back from a self thrown pity party where I was the only attender. It wasn't until after I pulled myself up, shook myself off and started doing what my Father has called me to do (write) that I came to the conclusion of this journey bringing me hope. Before sitting down to write this I was laying down and just not wanting to get up...the reason for laying down was OK (went to bed way too late last night and I needed rest!), but staying down wasn't. When we stay down past the time the Lord gives us to rest we lose ourselves within ourselves.

I find it funny that He has much to say about isolation. Proverbs 18:1, for example, says, "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment"...hmmm. And confirmation of this came when I started perusing Facebook as I was getting up...friend after friend had something to say about relationships; starting with a good friend quoting Casey Treat as saying, "Relationships are hard-but without love they are doomed to fail. Choose to love because it's not just a feeling" - hit me right good! Yes, relationships are hard! But if we live by what Proverbs 18:1 says we will fight for those relationships that we do have and be thankful for the ones we once had but are no longer able to continue.

Another friend totally went down the Proverbs 18:1 path saying, "Isolation ALWAYS ends in defeat! This whole "ME & JESUS" theology must die! We NEED others!" (Gabriel Burr, Facebook status). This was followed by others who agreed wholeheartedly that we need others, both to build up and build us up, to help lead down the right path, to pray for and love one another!

The moral of the story? I cannot do this alone. I cannot walk this journey without others along the way holding me up, praying and encouraging me to continue to keep the faith, to hold out for the hope He has waiting for me! That being said, prayer is always welcome; a specific request would simply be that I lean more and more into Him and lean not on my own understanding, that He would continue to show His faithfulness even when I'm so unfaithful!

Blessings sweet friends!

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