That time of year again!

That's right all, accountability time! OK, most refer to it as New Year's Resolutions, but this year I chose to call it "accountability". That's what we really mean isn't it? Those 'resolutions' don't stay that way for long and are often forgotten by February...however, accountability has a different tone to it.

By definition accountability is "the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable" (just for laughs the next definition has to do with schools, HA!). Resolution, on the other hand, is "a formal expression of opinion or intention made". Hm. So it seems that accountability has to do with the outward and resolution has to do with the inward. Maybe. Where am I going you ask? We ask someone to hold us accountable in something; we state a resolution but if we are not held accountable to it by an outside force (whether it be God or man) we fail. I know I have failed with resolutions! I've even failed somewhat at being held accountable. However, whenever someone holds me accountable to something I've resolved to do I have that conviction that comes and I try to quickly correct myself. I also know that when I know someone is watching almost my every move, I behave better ;).

All that being said, here is one of this year's resolutions that I hope y'all will hold me accountable for: writing a new blog entry every week. That is the big one. I have other small things that the Lord is asking me to do, but this was the big one! Now, I may not leave an entry here, so you may have to watch my facebook for other entries, but rest assured all...I will write!

Ponderings

The last few days I have been pondering...just pondering. I've been thinking of the Christmas season, now done and gone, and how this year seemed so different from the previous two.

Two years ago was the first Christmas after Doug's passing and so hard, yet good. We had family staying with us at the time and it was as perfect as we could get at that moment...perfect for us was unattainable, but we were close.

The following year was still hard, but a different hard. We had moved by then, so we were creating a new normal for the season. Our family now lives across the street from us and they were there when we put the decorations on as I didn't think we could do it alone.

This year, though, was even more different. This year we had gone to my sister's in Montana for Thanksgiving, something we hadn't done in years and I so needed my sister. But that meant that we would be out of town the day after Thanksgiving, which was when we usually put up our tree. By the time we got home it was late and the next day was back to life as we knew it. The weeks went by and still no tree nor was there any form of decorations up until my brother from across the street put up our lights. I had even contemplated not doing a tree at all this year because I just didn't want to deal with all the hassle of it!

The kids won out though and we put up our tree on Christmas Eve. We had all of six ornaments on it, but it was up (thankfully we have a fake tree!). As I've thought about it I've wondered why I didn't want to deal with it and the answer was simple...another 'thing' that I would be doing alone. No spouse to help put up, decorate, and take down. No one (seemingly) to enjoy it with. It had become just another reminder to me that I am physically alone on this earth.

Notice I said physically alone. I said it that way because I know that I am not alone, He's just unseen. Through this weird season He is by my side reminding me that I can do this, that with Him I can do anything!

Which brings me to today and my ponderings. I've realized that slowly but surely reminders of my sweet Dougie are going away. In the beginning it was the little things that I noticed: shoes not being in the way, socks not being on the floor, etc... As time went on bigger things such as him not being here to fix the car, help with the kids, help with Christmas, etc... I don't think it gets much bigger than the most recent finding: his work. I drive past his work every week to go to church, sometimes twice if it's a group night, and recently I noticed the name has been changed. At that moment I had a choice: hole up and cry (ummm, not while driving), or accept this and give it to the Lord. I chose the latter.

Sometimes it is hard to accept change and move on. Sometimes change comes at us whether we want it to or not. I would much rather have my Dougie here with me, but I know that because there was a change, I have a choice. Everyday we have choices, it's what we do with those choices that determines the outcome of our days! Do I hope that there won't be any more change regarding Doug? Yup. Do I realize that living in my own Utopia is dangerous? Oh yeah. Will I choose the right path when another change (in respect to Doug) comes? I hope so!

Oh, it's been too long!

I sit here with my computer and coffee enjoying my bit of silence before the day takes over and I'm reminded just how good our God is! I started my morning prayer which lately (as in the last two or so months) has begun with a song by Jeremy Camp:

"Holy fire, burn away"

My desire of anything
that is not of you and is of me
I want more of you and less of me, yeah (x2)

Empty me, empty me, yeah
Fill, won't you fill me
With you and less of me, yeah (x2)"

As I was praying I realized that He had answered this prayer, only in a way that I totally would not have thought of...through trusted friends stating the truth in love. He is so faithful and loves us all so much and wants what is best for us! If what we're desiring is truly from Him then our friends will support us and cheer us on. But if it's not from Him (even if we feel that it is!) those same friends will pray and seek the Lord on our behalf and lovingly tell us that we're going the wrong way.

Good godly friends are a true treasure and even though we may want to go our own way the Bible says that we would be a fool (Proverbs 18:1, "a man who isolates himself is a fool" or something like that ;-) ). Blessings my sweet friends! May you be encouraged by those around you to do what the Lord has placed in your heart to do!

Tonight

Yesterday I decided that it's high time that I clean my room. Yup. Room was messy. My bed would be made most everyday, but there was clutter everywhere. I jokingly say that the melancholy in me has decided to take over because the phlegmatic in me has had way too much fun, lol. Seriously, I had to clean my room. Not to mention that I often get on my own kids for their rooms being unacceptable...not talking about that though.

So, yesterday I decided it's high time that I clean my room. I started slow, with a little pile in the corner, and worked my way toward another. Once I got those mostly taken care of (I had made way good headway!) it was time to get ready for work, with intents to finish those piles when I got home. Rest assured, those piles did not just 'move' to another spot in the room - they were taken care of! OH! I also went through one box (Yep, I had THREE boxes in my room that were put there when I moved into this house...TWO YEARS AGO!) (Did I mention that I was going to be vulnerable in this one???)

Today I knew I needed to finish the project, especially since I made a point to call my kids while I was at work and tell them that if their rooms are not taken care of they couldn't have a play-date on Sunday. I needed to make sure that I could have play-dates too ;-). What I didn't know was just how much that would entail. I went through all the boxes and found some things of Joey's that I thought he would love to have in his room. When he came in he saw those things and right away was upset. Those things were matchbox cars that Doug had gotten for Joey in some form or fashion, still in their packaging. That was his moment. Lizzie's came later when I told her that she had to sleep in her own bed that night because my bed was covered with 'clutter'. Mine came after they were in bed as I went through the last box...the box that had all of our (Doug and mine) nightstand things. I knew it would be rough, but I just did it...ripped the band-aid off and did it. And I was fine until I found a photo album that I remembered but I didn't remember what was in it, so I opened it and found that it was full of the comments left on Doug's FaceBook page shortly after his passing. Naturally I started reading them. I was doing great until I came to a dear friend who simply posted the lyrics to the song, "I can only imagine". I lost it for two reasons: one, that song is powerful to me and has so much more meaning than it used to and two, the person who wrote it is a dear friend and I know her heart. After that I couldn't continue reading without shedding more tears.

The moral of this? There comes a time when you realize that you're going to be alright and in that alright-ness you realize it's 'alright' to down-right throw a fit and allow yourself to have a good cry. It was about two hours ago that I went through that album and an hour since I finished my project (OK, it's not completely done! But WELL on it's way and there's no more clutter!) and I'm fine. My Jesus was with me in those moments and reminded me He is ever near ;-)

Little Things

I sit here this morning ready to take on my day. I got up at a decent time, got the kids up and started, and got my morning cup of joe. As it was brewing my boy (a Joe himself, hehe) asks me what an obituary is. "Why do you ask? Is it mentioned in the book you're reading?" I ask. "Yes" he answered. I then explain what an obituary is and proceed to explain that his dad had one. "He did?" "Yup" "Where's it at?" "We have a copy somewhere and it's online (through the funeral parlor we used). Want me to read it to you?" Surprisingly he says he does.

It surprised me because in all this time since Doug's passing I've let Joey be the guide, Lizzie too. I've let them tell me when it's OK to talk about dad and when it's not, I've not pushed them to do anything they've not wanted to do in regards to their dad. And of the two Joey has been the one not wanting to talk of Doug UNLESS he brings it up. Even when we had the viewing I stayed home with Joey while my best friend took Lizzie because he didn't want to go and she did. The only thing I did do was take Joey to the parlor the day of the viewing so we could have a private viewing. I didn't push Joey, but rather encouraged him as I didn't want him to look back and regret not seeing his dad one last time. During that private viewing Joey was reserved, but he had that moment.

So, today. I read him the obituary and knew that he probably wished he hadn't heard it, but he pressed on and listened. He teared up, but I'm sure it was for the same reason I did...good memories were rising to the surface and the realization that dad is not here hit again.

But my Joe is resilient and knows how to get the point across that he's done...right after we read the obituary and talked for a moment he turned his attention to the wire he was holding making it dance and marking the end of the conversation. I love my boy ;-)

There are times when I find that I don't wanna deal. I just want to wait until the storm passes over, til I'm home, or when the bills are screaming at me to get paid. But is that the way that God wants us? I don't think so.

I have the luxury of being on vacation for a few days and I'm really loving it...yet there's this persistent nagging that is the cause of this blog...school. But is it really school or just a habit that I've set up for myself and school is just the mask? School is needing to get done, but because I'm not at home with my usual routine I openly admit that it's harder to make the time to get it done and it's not screaming at me so it must be OK to put off...right? No. Let me make it known that I am getting school done while enjoying some much needed time off. Yet I'm being made aware of something bigger than just school: the fact that I would rather deal with the here and now and what's in front of me than the stuff that needs attention but isn't going to vie against other things for it.

Again I ask, is this what God wants for me? No. I believe that He would want me to deal with the pain now, with Him walking me through it, than later possibly alone and flailing about. That's what He does, walks us through the pain, through the sorrow, for a better tomorrow.

busy...

I've heard it said, many times, that busy is an acronym for Being Under Satan's Yoke. I've also pondered that and agree with it somewhat. If I'm too busy then I get caught up in the busy-ness of life instead of focusing on the ultimate goal - Jesus.

I'm writing this for many reasons, some easy to point out and others...well..a little less. I actually came to the conclusion that I'm too busy when I started looking into a dating site and actually talking to people. I realized, "Oh my goodness! Where am I going to fit THAT in?" Then it hit me...I'm somewhat too busy and VERY scheduled! Scheduled is not bad, it's good to have schedules and keep them. It's not good to live in such a way that there's no room for the spontaneous and by spontaneous I mean the thing that sounds fun but if I did it I would stress out because that meant something else that needed to be done didn't get done! I believe that our God is a god of order, yet also a god of balance.

Balance. Yet another thing that fits into this whole 'busy' thing. We have to remain balanced in order to live a healthy happy life. We cannot be all work and no play and we cannot be all play and no work...there is order and balance in this. If that means that the work (house cleaning, laundry, dishes...etc...) waits while you play, then so be it; if that means that the play (the skiing, the softball, the games...etc...) wait while you work, then so be it. We (OK I really mean, I) need to learn that it is OK for the dishes to wait a minute while my girl tells me a story or my boy wants me to play video games with him (yes I do and I love it!), but that also means that I can wait to play if the dishes are needing to be done. And the glory of it is that I can learn from others who have a 'system' and get to do both because they've been diligent.

Diligence. That's another one that goes hand in hand with balance. If I am diligent with what the Lord has blessed me with then I won't be so busy that I miss out on what the Lord has for me; I will get to play because all my work is done!

All this to say that I do not live under the acronym of BUSY, I live under the banner of the almighty God! And as for the dating site...I will make time for that without sacrificing any time dedicated for work or play with my kids, if the Lord wills of course ;-).