Conversations...

I love conversations with my kiddos...they provide such radical insight!  This morning, well just now, I mentioned that Abraham Lincoln was considered depressed (a detail I learned in my psych book ;-)).  My girl asks, "What's depressed?"

"Well, it's where you're sad...a lot," I explained.  That's not the technical definition, however it suffices for the curious 9 year old, and it makes sense to her. I continued with this, "You know when daddy died, and I was in my room...a lot? I was depressed".  Her response floored me.

"You were a ship that sunk," she said.  I couldn't have said it better myself.

When Doug died, my ship had sunk.  And according to her this is how she processes his death as well.  She may not have told me as such, but her thoughts on depression tell me that it is true.

Thankfully, while that ship may have sunk we didn't go down with it.  That life did, but we did not.  We've created a new normal and have begun to move on.  This doesn't mean that we've forgotten that ship either, just as we don't forget actual ships that have sunk we won't forget Doug ;-).

Again?

My heart hurts...again.

Over the last few days I have pondered many things about the Holidays.  This is the fourth Holiday season without Doug and sadly it really hasn't gotten any easier.  In fact, I think I've just gotten better at covering up what's going on inside.

The first Christmas we were blessed to have our sweet friends the Berthoud's living with us, along with the Jones'.  Having them there helped to cushion the blows of being without Doug.  The kids got their socks blessed off by the Workman's Comp Fund and we made the best of it.  I wonder, though, if all the presents were just a distraction keeping us from dealing with the hurt and pain inside of all of us.

The next year we were all in new (and separate) homes.  This brought on a new type of pain, a pain of us realizing we were moving on without him.  The Berthoud's lived right across the street and came over when we put our tree up...the tree was a new tradition as well.  It was a fake one...maybe somewhat describing myself at that point in time - fake because I was hiding what was really going on inside from everyone including myself.  They helped us decorate and supported us in another time that we needed Jesus with flesh on...they really are the only ones who've seen us all at our worst and love and support us along the way of this healing road.

The third year I decided that we were healed enough to put our own decorations up without anyone for us to crutch on.  I KNOW that they would have been there in a heartbeat if I had asked, they always are.  Yet I also knew that if we didn't just rip the band-aid off, so-to-speak, we never would.  I've always been that way, I'd just rather deal with all the pain that ripping that band-aid off will yield than a festering band-aid that just annoys me.  We did good...we laughed, we cried, and we got it all up.

This year is really no different than last year.  Well, yes it is.  What I forgot to mention is that last year we went up to Montana to be with my sister for Thanksgiving and by the time we got back I didn't even really want to put the tree up because I was so busy with school and work.  But we did...just as we did again this year.  I think we even did better this year in our dealing with Doug not being here.  Yes, we cried.  Yes, I dealt with stubborn preteen emotions.  Yes, we got the tree up and it's gorgeous.

However, this year is different.  There have been many times where I've just thought, "Oh, how I wish Doug were here!"  Who doesn't want that extra shoulder to cry on?  Who doesn't want someone to shop with for the kids?  Who doesn't want someone to just help?  I have had my moments of crying out to the Lord because of different situations that I feel no one else would understand.  This year I shopped for the kids with the kids (I don't recommend it with 9 and 11 year olds!).  And this year I've also gotten phone calls about mice in the house (Joey's a good mouser, haha!), heard many a 's/he's picking on me!' and ran into a tree...all things I would love to have a helpmate for!

Again, though, I'm reminded that I have not been chosen to walk this road for no reason...He has always had a plan for this and every part of my life.  Just this morning I heard of another brother in the Lord who has gone on to be with Jesus...which is why my heart hurts again.  I read all the posts to his beloved wife and I'm almost immediately brought back to July 17, 2009.  I read all the well wishes, condolences and her broken heart and I hurt for her, with her.

So this post is two-fold: one for me to pour my heart out yet again and two for those who may read this that may be like most of the world in not knowing how to help someone who is going through the death of a spouse (the death of any one close really).  First: Give space.  Let them know that you are there if they want someone to talk to, yet don't be the one who is coming up frequently asking if they are OK, especially if you are not really close to them.  The honest answer to "are you OK?" is, "Well, what do you think? I just lost my spouse! Of course I'm not OK!"  Second: Give time.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Some shut down and are 'ready' to move on right away; others take years to fully process what has happened.  There is no formula for when grief is done...really grief is going to be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives because there will always be something to remind them of their loved one.  Third: Give grace.  This is a touchy time.  Emotions are high and sometimes volatile toward those around them.  Please know that they are not themselves, they are just walking through the stages of grief and much grace may be needed.  Fourth: Give prayer.  They need it. Pray for peace, for comfort, for love, for some understanding, and for His will to be made alive in them.

If you are close, remain close if you can...if you can't do that well, it may be best if you took a backseat.  I was blessed with some amazing friends who have been through it all with me...one who has never been through what I have (and I pray she never does) yet she cries with me just as if it were her instead of me.  If you are not close and wonder what you could do, well, read the list above and if nothing else just pray for them!  Sometimes those who are close become distant and those who are distant become close.  God knows who we need in our lives and will place each of us in the right places at just the right time.  One of the finest gifts I got in the beginning of my grief walk was a friend who had waited to say anything because he and his wife knew what I was going through...yet at just the right time he sent an encouraging word letting me know that they were there if I ever needed anything.  (They knew my walk because they had lost a child in a fatal accident just a few years prior to Doug's death)

I pray that if this beloved sister reads this that she will be comforted both by these words and our heavenly Father who knew that this would happen and is holding her together when she feels that she is falling a part.  And I pray that you who read this and don't know what to do around those who are grieving gain a little insight into those who are.

Redeemed

I was sitting minding my own business the other day when a great song came on...as you may or may not remember God speaks to me through songs many times and this was no exception.  The song was Jason Gray's Remind Me Who I Am and the premise is us asking God to remind us who we are when we are low.

I've heard this song quite a bit but when I listened this time I heard the lyrics for what seemed like the first time...take a read:

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I cant remember what grace is

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can't receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You
To You

I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love
That will be enough, I'm the one You love

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You
To You

I have loved this song since I first heard it on the radio, but it wasn't until this latest listen that I heard, "I'm the one you love, I'm the one you love, That will be enough, I'm the one you love".  Now hold your spot here for a minute while I tell you of another song that I heard this morning.

I was at work stewing over a situation that I really didn't need to be stewing over.  I had to do something that I REALLY did not want to do but knew that I needed to and I was getting anxious over it.  I quickly flipped on my praise on Pandora to help me as I quietly prayed about what I needed to do.  It was evident that something was the matter and a few people even asked what was going on and if they could do anything.  My simple reply was, "I've just got a lot on my mind".  After a song or two I heard one of my favorites right now, How He Loves Us. I nearly lost it right in the middle of work...and again got a part of the song that I had never gotten before...He is jealous for me.  

Just as a husband is healthily jealous for his wife, our God is jealous for us.  This does not mean that if a friend is vying for my attention God (as my husband) gets outraged at me, but rather that when an enemy comes and accuses me of things that I have not done He comes to my defense.  He cries with me and comforts me at the same time.  He hurts when I hurt and wants to take that hurt away.  I felt instantly at peace.  I wish I could have held onto that peace for longer than I did because just minutes after I realized I had it, I felt anxious again.  Thankfully the situation was resolved and so not worth the anxiety I had felt earlier in the day.

Here's a youtube of Kim Walker's How He Loves 

Fire

Fire

I sat in prayer the other day with a dear sister pleading for loved ones and ourselves for many reasons.  One reason was for healing for the both of us.  At the time it seemed rather silly to be praying as we were…well not really, but looking back somewhat…it was so child-like to me the way we were praying, yeah that’s it.  We were praying in our child-like understanding for healing to come in ways that seemed silly.  But it really wasn’t silly.  OK I’ll get to the point ;-). 

We are going for massages soon and both are really excited about it. We both desperately need it so our prayer was for the massage to be God’s vessel in our healing.  She prayed that the hands of the massage therapist would be healing hands (among other things that slip my mind at the moment); I prayed fire through those hands.  Right as I was saying it though it seemed silly, that God would work through their hands into our bodies as fire.  As fire burns away the dross may their hands burn away the pain in our bodies.  I’m expecting big things from this massage.

As today has worn on though, I’m wondering if God meant more from that prayer for our bodies than we had imagined.  I’m sitting here at my kitchen table and was minding my own business when a song popped into my head.  I originally thought it a random song as sometimes happens, yet as I’ve thought on the lyrics I’m not so sure.  You see, today I’ve been dealing with a lot of crud.  Different darts that the enemy has thrown at me have hit and nearly caused a world of hurt.  The song? Disciple’s “Draw the Line”.  The lyrics are just so on it…just right on for me today.  Well the me that chooses to “Draw the Line”.

This is the interesting part.  The song talks of drawing a line, that this is where the old man dies and goes no more.  Throughout the song there is talk of failure and how much the singer has messed up.  These very thoughts have pervaded my whole today, tried to leave me incapacitated for any good or wise purpose today.  I refused to give in though, at least physically.  Mentally, however, I’m sure the enemy felt he had me pretty beat.  Well, sir…This is where I draw the line.

I refuse to let Satan take over in such a fashion.  I refuse to be taken in by the lies of not being good enough, pretty enough, or enough of any other thing.  I choose to let my King and Defender fight my battles and I draw the line.  The old me dies, the new me (created in God’s image) will rise.

Oh, I didn’t even get to the fire part of the song to relate what we had prayed just days ago!  Further in the song he sings of burning up, to set him on fire and burn him up!  What does fire do? Duh, it burns, but it burns the dross away so that the reflection of the Creator can be better seen in the final product.

Burn me up Lord, set me on fire, burn me all the way!

Draw the Line

Another crash, another fall, another failure
Another choice I don't want to remember
Been here too many times
Every day's another fight
I'm at war with the person I could be
Give me a chance and I'll mess up a good thing
But this is where it ends
Yeah, this is where it ends

chorus:
This is where I draw the line
This is the where the old me dies
Light a match, let it burn, kiss it goodbye,
Giving up what I was
This is where I draw the line

(whoa)

Another battle I've lost fighting solo
How many times must I learn what I already know?
Can't do this on my own
I wasn't meant to fight alone
So I'm lifting my hands in surrender
Take my faults and my flaws, make me better
Cause this is where I end: right where You begin


(chorus)

Whoa, whoa,
Set me on fire,
Set me on fire,

Burn me up, burn me up, burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You
Burn me up, burn me up, burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You

Set me on fire, cuz'...

This is where I draw the line
This is the where the old me dies
Light a match, let it burn, kiss it goodbye,
Giving up what I was
This is where I draw the line

Burn me up, burn me up,
Burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You
Burn me up, burn me up,
Burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You

This is where I draw the line

Holy Moly!

It's been five months since I posted here!  That is just NOT OK! So here's a tidbit, a little of what God is doing ;-).  I know it's not much, however, it is where God has me and I'm sure you'll enjoy!

Grace...we all do not deserve it, yet we are so freely given it.  This past weekend I had the pleasure of learning grace first hand.  A situation came up where I failed someone and I felt horrible.  I felt I had let them down and that they were very upset with me, even though I knew that wasn't the case.  Needless to say I was upset with myself.  Normally, I would begin beating myself up at this point, yet because of the God that I serve I have been learning how to overcome that battle.  This time I began to search out the truth.  The truth was I had let someone down, I failed.  However, the truth was also that while this person was probably upset, they understood - life happens and people forget things!

Thankfully this happened on a Sunday and it happened before worship started.  I had already planned on spending some time studying before church service started, yet the worship is what got me.  As I was worshiping I was still pondering (OK, dwelling) on the previous situation.

"What would have happened if the tables were turned, if they were to have brought the item yet forgot?" I heard the Lord ask me.  "I would tell them it was no big deal!  To not worry about it at all!"  "Why do you have grace enough for everyone else but you?"  That statement spoke right to the matter at hand.

I found that I have grace galore for others and absolutely none for myself.  That was huge.

Why is it that we can have so much grace for those around us but have none for ourselves?  I'm sure there are many reasons and I have my own theories in regards to my own situation, yet the fact remains that while we were still sinners Christ died for us and His Father extended grace that was undeserved.

How much more grace should we extend to each other...including ourselves.

Brides

Here I go again with the brutal honesty...but I won't jump into that just now.  I'm currently in the process of reading about 10 books (give or take) and one of them is called, "Common Mistakes Singles Make" by Mary S. Whelchel.  A phenomenal read for the single and married alike.  Her premise is that many singles are making mistakes (and many marrieds make mistakes about singles as well).  What struck me is a section titled, "We panic over the scarcity of Christian men".  This is something that I had thought about, yet after much reading (in this and other books) I've realized that may not be the problem at hand...but that's for another blog ;-).  This post was meant for something greater.  And actually has changed faces at least once...blogspot has a new system and while I thought I had saved my work it proved that I didn't :-(.  So, here's the latest and greatest.  When reading this section it hit me that we are the bride of Christ.  That we should seek Him out before, BEFORE, we seek out any other relationship.  I know this may seem trivial to some, but for me - a single mom trying to figure out the dating scene - it was huge.  I have got to keep my focus straight on Him and Him alone and trust that He has got His best plans laid out for me.  While I would like to say that this is a no brainer, easy choice, it is not...it is a day by day (sometimes minute by minute!) choice I have to make.  Surely some days are easier than others and thankfully today is one of those easy days ;-)

A new day...

Today is a new day...and with it comes new revelation! I was on my way home today when I came to the realization that in order for me to begin this process of wholeness I've got to admit that there is a problem. Sometimes that means plastering it for the whole world to see, which is what I did. My Facebook status was as follows: I've been found guilty of being chronically insecure...my prayer is that soon I will be found guilty of being chronically healthy". And I posted it so that there was nothing to hide...so people would see that people falter, they're human, and really don't have it all together as it may seem that they do.

After I posted it I got an awesome vision: Imagine a courtroom, I'm the defendant, the Devil is the prosecutor, and God is the Judge. Yup, that same one that most of us have envisioned where the Devil is just persecuting us, naming every wrong thing we've ever done to the One who has the right to judge us rightly. Only this time I was countering, it was my turn to talk...and not out of defending myself (because I already have a Defender) but out of making sure the facts are straight. My counter? Simply put, "You, oh enemy, are the one who placed those there in the first place! Yes, I had the choice and I was making the wrong choices at first, but now that I am aware of just WHO put them there and HOW it has affected me, I give them back, they are NOT mine!"

And what song started playing as I started typing this? My song...the song that God gave me to remind me of just Whose I am...Divine Romance by Phil Wickham. I am His and He is mine...my life is chalk full of divine appointments and the rest of this life is no exception to that!

Hope you enjoy the song ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlsIwmtb0U8&feature=related