Love

Love...what does it mean to you? To me it means many things...I love my kids, my car, my Savior, just to name a few. We Americans have many names of love, but today I speak of the Father's love for us.

I woke up just like I do every weekday...3 am, stumbling in the dark to get ready for work. Once I was on the road I began to think; which sometimes can be very dangerous, although I've learned to weigh it with the Word. So as I'm thinking I pass the hospital that was the last place Doug was alive at...which throws me into a tail spin of sorts. I begin to think of the last few moments, of sitting there next to him pleading with God to raise Doug, and then of saying, "not my will but Yours, oh Lord". That last thought reminded me that God is in control and although I may have moments in this 'storm' HE'S GOT IT!

So, I have my moment.

But it gets better. All morning all I've heard is songs about how He is in control, songs of 'beauty from pain' (superchick), of 'fields of grace' (big daddy weave), and oh so many more! And reminders in devotions of Immanuel - GOD WITH US!! I felt like a princess all over again; you see in the beginning of this storm I felt so wrapped up like a princess in His arms and today He was reminding me of that feeling!

He loves us, OH HOW HE LOVES US! Don't let a storm steal that joy from you, don't let the storm destroy you, for He loves you! When those storms come (because they will) REMEMBER Whose you are! We are all children of the Most High God with the authority to ask ANYTHING in His name! Does that mean that we will get it? No, but He hears us and even if the answer is "No" (as in my request of raising Doug), the answer doesn't come with a "figure this out for yourself", it comes with a mighty arm that's attached to a big should that we can cry on and be carried for a while.

He loves us...

I woke up one morning and realized all was so different. Just the day before I had a husband, a complete family and pretty complete joy. Now, all those are seemingly shattered. I don't have a physical husband anymore; my family isn't my idea of complete; and I struggle every day for true joy.

Today I reflect on many things. I try not to take as much for granted and live every day that I can...but the fact remains that I am physically alone. The voices come and come hard, yelling sometimes that I am alone and there is no one here to protect me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity or a hand-out. What I want is a companion in this journey called life. My companion was stolen and my dreams of him remind me of that fact.

I want someone to come do the "daddy jobs"...yes, the disgusting clean up jobs that NO ONE in their right mind would voluntarily do...but they have to be done. I want someone to watch movies with while I do my nails...not a movie that has ANY ANIMATION in it what-so-ever! I want someone to talk about my day with at the end of my day, to listen to their day and cry on their shoulder.

I don't want to be all walled up as if nothing is wrong. I don't want to be the only one responsible any more...I wanna say yes to all the candy for once! (for the kids ;-)) I don't want to be jaded, bitter or unresponsive.

I want someone to bake for (other than myself!). I want to enjoy someone's talents. I want to be challenged in a relationship. I want to be important and loved.

I'm not writing this for response, nor really for anyone's eyes but mine and the Lords. I am writing this so that I give place to the process in my head, without giving the voices place in my life.

Choices...

CHOICES

We all have choices. I know that I have spoken on this subject before, but it is ever present! WE HAVE CHOICES! In our everyday lives we have choices; we choose to get up or stay in bed, to eat breakfast or not, to get offended and hurt…or not. Most recently I have made some trips where I have felt more than ever the importance of my choices. The world says that we have the right to “have a bad day” when our coffee spills, the fish tank filter won’t fit right and the hose leading to the fish tank sprays all over you. Yes, these events did happen, all in one day, and the sad part is I asked my seven year old daughter if I could say that I’ve had a bad day! What am I teaching her?!! That when bad circumstances happen I can chalk it up to a “bad day”? NO! That’s not right! Thankfully I recognized the pattern I could have set into motion and told her (after the hose sprayed all over myself!) that I would be going to take a shower and then spend some time in prayer; yes I had a bad day, thankfully I choose to give it to my heavenly Father to take over.

Well what do you do when life hands you lemons? Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers! What do your lemons look like? My lemons don’t look like yours and I’m sure your lemons don’t look like mine, but the outcome should always be the same…right choices. We are given “lemons” (and by lemons I mean the bad days in our lives [you know, the car won’t start, the coffee got burnt and the dog ran out the door and down the street!]) either as testing by the Father or by the enemy of our soul to try and thwart our advances for the kingdom. Now, thankfully I wasn’t sold into slavery, however I look at Joseph’s live and ask, “What can I learn from him?” What can we learn? We can learn patience. He was put in a pit for a period of time; then sold to the Egyptians as a slave in Potiphar’s house until Potiphar’s wife came after him and he was put in prison. THEN he sat. While in prison he interpreted dreams for the butler and baker. Both of the interpretations of the dreams came true yet the butler forgot about Joseph. TWO FULL YEARS LATER Pharaoh had dreams AND THEN the butler remembered Joseph in prison! I know that I would totally be dwelling on the fact that I was wronged and put in prison for no reason! Yet we aren’t shown that; we’re shown that Joseph was patient and waited upon the Lord. It was through the Pharaoh’s dreams that Joseph was finally freed and the restoration process was beginning.

We can learn forgiveness. Alright, alright…yes I went there! It is when we are in un-forgiveness that bitterness can take root. God didn’t just forgive the sins that He deemed worthy of forgiveness, He forgave them all at the cross! So why is it that we think we can hold a grudge against someone who may have wronged us? Josephs’ brothers threw him in a pit and sold him into slavery! And we aren’t shown one iota of bitterness from Joseph toward his brothers. We would see it when his brother’s came for food during the famine. He wasn’t exactly honest with them, yet he still sold them food. He tested them to see where they stood. He wanted to be with them, yet was apprehensive and understandably so! I believe this is what the Lord asks of us…not to be doormats and take what others dish out, yet to test the waters so-to-speak and see where things stand. At this time the brother’s realized what had happened, that they were suffering for what they had done with Joseph, but they did not know it was him that they were bowing to. Joseph wept for the situation and what I feel is a realization that God is there and is a restoring God! The Lord is our everything-even a restorer of things once lost.

We can learn restoration. Joseph was the favored one in his house and for that he was taken. He was sold into slavery, brought up and then put in prison and forgotten about. He was then taken into Pharaoh’s house and promoted yet again; this man Joseph had the favor of God all over him for everywhere Joseph went he was promoted! Then his family was brought to him due to famine in the land. He didn’t just jump right into their arms, he tested them as he felt the Lord leading and once he felt it was safe to do so he revealed who he was and was restored to his family.

I tend to think that I’ve got it pretty hard sometimes, that God has left me out in the wilderness to figure things out, yet that is a lie. God is with us and for us. He brings us to places where we HAVE to say, “OK God, you got this cuz I sure don’t!” and it’s at those places where He can minister most to us. It’s at the places where all we have is up that He comes in and takes over, as long as we relinquish the control! And I’ll openly admit that letting go is hard! I tell Him often that this road is hard and I really, REALLY, don’t like it, but I am willing to walk it because I know He is with me every step of the way.

Spiritually Slapped

Have you ever been spiritually slapped? I have...more times than I'd like to admit! Yet here I am, admitting that I have just been spiritually slapped! I'm taking two courses this semester in order to achieve my BA in Psychology; Theology 104 and Psychology 210. Today I studied for both courses (I do distance learning through Liberty University). Nothing huge in Psych, other than another 96% on my quiz (they're open book! I should get 100%!!). However, Theo, got me going. I'm only a portion of the way in and it hits me, I can do more! The book that I'm reading is Core Christianity by Elmer Towns; the chapter is titled "Christianity is a Practical Religion". Duh, no brain-er there! As a Christian we're taught very simple truths. But here I sit, realizing that I'm not doing all that I could. I had this conversation in my head: yes I am, no I'm not...blah, blah, blah. The truth, in my own little world, is that I do what Christ asks...but is there more I can be doing? YES! I'm not saying that I'm gonna sell all I've got and go live in a hut in Zimbabwe! But what are practical ways that we can do the Lord's work? For some it is to go on missions, or live a missions filled life! I do not feel that the Lord has called my little family to that (not saying I wouldn't go, I am saying that if I did go right now it would be out of my OWN will and not the Lord's). What I do feel Him leading (and have for some time, insert bashful smile here) is to be more loving, more considerate, more patient to His creation. I do have times of "fleshing out", but people should see more of Christ and less of me in this life. Which means I hold my tongue, not engage in slander, love the unlovable. I can serve the homeless, provide a warm blanket, give the shirt off my back. I can teach my kids that we live in a blessed nation, that we have a God who has provided for us in ways we never thought we'd have to be provided for...and we can pass on that blessing and provision. It's a fine line we walk between works and salvation...yes, we are saved by grace and not by works, however if we just sit here getting "fat and sassy" (as I like to say) on the blessings of the Lord, we are GLUTTONS! Just as sinful as the addict down the street. We are not here to get fat on the goodness of our God, we're created for worship, to be the imagine of the one true God. We're blessed to be a blessing...are we living that way? I can honestly admit that I haven't been all that I can be, I've still got a ways to go in this race the Lord has set out for me and I pray that His light is what is seen as opposed to my fleshy ugliness...

Thankful

It's been a while since I've written and I thought it was about time that I did! And what has gotten me into the writing mood you ask? THANKSGIVING!!! I love the holidays, always have and I imagine that I always will! My sweet Doug loved the holidays as well, so the last holiday seasons without him have been...interesting, I'll put it that way. However, this was not meant to be a downer! Yes! Doug loved the holidays! Yes! I MISS HIM! But, I know that my God in heaven is bigger than death and it has no power over me! So...my first thought was, "what are you thankful for?" posing it to my audience...yet, there is so much that I am thankful for and I thought of this as I am sitting in my kitchen in a house I don't deserve with what I consider all the amenities! Here's my thankful list:
My GOD! Without Him we are nothing, with Him we are everything!
My children...words cannot express how amazingly thankful I am to our God who gave me these two precious gifts. They have taught me so much!
My home. Another gift from above; the kids and I say that the new car (which I am thankful for as well!) and the house are gifts from daddy because sadly if Doug hadn't have gone to be with Jesus we wouldn't have them...yet we'd have Doug. So I choose to think that Doug still wants to lavish us with all kinds of gifts ;-).
Air. We breathe relatively clean air.
Water. We drink relatively clean water.
Clothing. I feel fortunate enough to live in a country that provides such luxuries as excess clothing.
Speaking of country (and speech, lol!). I am thankful for this country's freedoms and the men and women who fight for those freedoms! If I haven't said it lately THANK YOU for your service!
My job. Often I've been known to say that I LOVE my job! And usually I say it sarcastically because something isn't going right that day, or I may have had some issues come up. However, I am truly thankful that I have a job and I work with some pretty cool people.
Time. Because of my job schedule I am afforded more time than most single working moms, for that I feel more than thankful...I feel blessed.
Friends. And by friends I mean the family kind. You know, the family you get to choose. I have some amazing friends who have been through thick and thin and still have stuck around. They know me better than I know myself sometimes and because they love me they tell me how it is...sometimes lovingly and sometimes not. BUT the fact remains that they are there for me and because they have been through the tough times I KNOW they are not going anywhere and I wouldn't have it any other way. Some friends come and go and some are worth the fight to keep them around.
Family. This list isn't in any order...really I'm typing as I'm thinking yet it doesn't mean that my family is less important than my home. I've been blessed with multiple families that sometimes was rough...yet it shaped me into the Alicia you see today, hopefully more like the Alicia God had originally intended and less like the fleshy Alicia that has been known to come around.
Church. Both THE church and MY church. The body of Christ...BIG church. I'm a rules kinda gal, I like structure and THE church has given me the structure I've needed. MY church has been Jesus with flesh on and I wouldn't change any one of them! We are a unique group of individuals ranging from babies all the way up to I'm not sure! And each and everyone of them loves as Jesus loves, gives as Jesus gives and even cries as Jesus cries.
OK...the list could go on and on and ON! Now...what are you thankful for?

"It's NOT FAIR!" she screams inside her head for fear she would scare the neighbors. "She" is every widow, every woman left here on this earth seemingly to fend for herself.

"It's not fair that my daughter has to write notes never to give to her daddy! It's not fair that my son's daddy never got to see his first pitch from the pitching mound! It's not fair that I get to enjoy this house and don't get to tell him not to fix things! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Yes this is a moment of my morning. I read an email stating what I have stated all along this last year: it's okay to wallow, just not okay to stay there. And then I started wallowing...then bawling. All this is true, I hate the fact that their daddy hasn't seen a sporting game of theirs, enjoyed this house with us and just everyday life. It's also true that I serve a mighty God who knew this was gonna happen...He didn't sneeze and forget about us.

What was neat was in the midst of my wallowing I heard His voice saying, "look at you, you've turned the tables." "What?" I didn't understand what He meant just yet. Then it hit me. A year ago I was saying how unfair it was for Doug to have left us, that we were left here on this earth and he was so selfish! And here I am today, thinking how unfair it was for him to be missing out on these everyday life moments. I miss Doug so badly, I still feel as if there's a hole in my heart. But somehow, someway, it's getting easier and I'm still learning all I can in this season of our lives.

So, yet again I have a choice - to stay and wallow, or to press on toward the prize. I choose to press on, to have my wallow moments but to ultimately press on...and up in Him.

I am determined...

I am determined.
I have a mind to set things straight,
I will not stay where I am at today,
or tomorrow.
I am determined.

I am driven.
To see my kids grow, to see them laugh,
to hear their stories and even
see them cry.
I am driven.

I resolve.
To fight the good fight,
To stay pure and holy and think on
those things.
I resolve.

I have not settled.
For this present situation,
to be the end all be all
for me.
I have not settled.

I will finish.
This race set before me,
With grace and the Lord's holy hand
holding me tight.
I will finish.

I am determined.
To not let the enemy win,
to not have him get the last word,
to win.
I am determined.

Are you?