There are times when I find that I don't wanna deal. I just want to wait until the storm passes over, til I'm home, or when the bills are screaming at me to get paid. But is that the way that God wants us? I don't think so.

I have the luxury of being on vacation for a few days and I'm really loving it...yet there's this persistent nagging that is the cause of this blog...school. But is it really school or just a habit that I've set up for myself and school is just the mask? School is needing to get done, but because I'm not at home with my usual routine I openly admit that it's harder to make the time to get it done and it's not screaming at me so it must be OK to put off...right? No. Let me make it known that I am getting school done while enjoying some much needed time off. Yet I'm being made aware of something bigger than just school: the fact that I would rather deal with the here and now and what's in front of me than the stuff that needs attention but isn't going to vie against other things for it.

Again I ask, is this what God wants for me? No. I believe that He would want me to deal with the pain now, with Him walking me through it, than later possibly alone and flailing about. That's what He does, walks us through the pain, through the sorrow, for a better tomorrow.

busy...

I've heard it said, many times, that busy is an acronym for Being Under Satan's Yoke. I've also pondered that and agree with it somewhat. If I'm too busy then I get caught up in the busy-ness of life instead of focusing on the ultimate goal - Jesus.

I'm writing this for many reasons, some easy to point out and others...well..a little less. I actually came to the conclusion that I'm too busy when I started looking into a dating site and actually talking to people. I realized, "Oh my goodness! Where am I going to fit THAT in?" Then it hit me...I'm somewhat too busy and VERY scheduled! Scheduled is not bad, it's good to have schedules and keep them. It's not good to live in such a way that there's no room for the spontaneous and by spontaneous I mean the thing that sounds fun but if I did it I would stress out because that meant something else that needed to be done didn't get done! I believe that our God is a god of order, yet also a god of balance.

Balance. Yet another thing that fits into this whole 'busy' thing. We have to remain balanced in order to live a healthy happy life. We cannot be all work and no play and we cannot be all play and no work...there is order and balance in this. If that means that the work (house cleaning, laundry, dishes...etc...) waits while you play, then so be it; if that means that the play (the skiing, the softball, the games...etc...) wait while you work, then so be it. We (OK I really mean, I) need to learn that it is OK for the dishes to wait a minute while my girl tells me a story or my boy wants me to play video games with him (yes I do and I love it!), but that also means that I can wait to play if the dishes are needing to be done. And the glory of it is that I can learn from others who have a 'system' and get to do both because they've been diligent.

Diligence. That's another one that goes hand in hand with balance. If I am diligent with what the Lord has blessed me with then I won't be so busy that I miss out on what the Lord has for me; I will get to play because all my work is done!

All this to say that I do not live under the acronym of BUSY, I live under the banner of the almighty God! And as for the dating site...I will make time for that without sacrificing any time dedicated for work or play with my kids, if the Lord wills of course ;-).

Yesterday

Yep, The Beatles!

Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

As many of you know, yesterday marked the two year anniversary of Doug's passing. It came so fast. I miss him immensely and as I've said, it's become an easier form of hard. But that's not why I'm blogging today. I'm blogging for His goodness to us!

All along this journey God has shown us that He is for us and if He is for us then who can be against us (Romans 8:31)? The first year was rough and many a day was spent remembering what was lost; knowing that God was there made it easier to walk this path. During that first year we celebrated all the holidays and honestly felt a little 'off'. Also during that first year we celebrated what would have been Doug's 40th birthday. What I didn't know was that God had a marvelous plan (doesn't He always?!). Early that morning a good friend went into labor and my niece was born! She wasn't due for another two weeks I believe, but God knew that we needed joy that day, not only me and the kids, but our extended family as well. My Father in heaven showered me that year with many joys, her birth being the icing on the cake.

The second year was better; still felt 'off' at certain times, but knew He was ever near to us and holding us in His will. The first anniversary the kids and I (along with close family friends) went to an amusement park and had a blast. I had determined that it was going to be a good day...and it was! This year was a little different...the anniversary fell on a Sunday which meant that we got to go to church! When I talked to the kids about what they wanted to do that day, I made sure they knew that we would be in church that morning, missing morning service was not an option. I think once I made that decision God went a workin! But, let me back up, when I started asking them what they wanted to do for the 17th (about two weeks prior), they both looked at me questioningly and I realized that they hadn't been aware that the anniversary was coming up! Not that they don't miss their dad, because they do! But rather because their little hearts are starting to heal and heal in such a way that they know they can embrace what is put before them, remember their dad and know that God is with them along the way! SO, back to yesterday: God knew that we would need redemption for that day and boy did He ever give it! We witnessed five of our closest friends, four of which are children, get baptized and totally give their lives to the Lord's work! Talk about redemption baby! What better way to celebrate the loss of a live here on this earth than by celebrating NEW life! God is SO good!

He is ever near and with us...all of us! There is not one of His children that He isn't caring for RIGHT NOW! Proverbs says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3:5,6, NKJV). This, among many other verses, has been a strong tether to the Lord; I hold onto this verse as if it were my life line to my Abba Father.

Correlations

I was in my quiet time this morning when I realize something: the circumstances of my life are like mushrooms. Yup, like mushrooms. If anyone knows me they know that I don't particularly like mushrooms and I'm not shy to admit it either. I'll even go as far as saying that mushrooms will not be in heaven! But today I saw them in a different light.

Let me back up a bit.

Sunday one of my sister friends and I were sitting in church and the announcements came on our projector screens. It's getting close to Father's Day so one of the announcements was a reminder of that important date. My first reaction (and the one I went with sadly) was to give the announcements a sticking out of my tongue, simply because I know my kids won't get to spoil their biological daddy. Later, my dear friend made a comment about that incident (in a very loving and caring way), suggesting that maybe we (because she and I have felt very much the same way about the circumstances of my life) should change how we view things. That got me thinking, but not enough to actually change. Until yesterday. I was on my way home from work when I heard a blib on the radio, I don't even remember what the announcer's name was! But I remember the story about his wife. Basically, she's excited for spring/summer because then she can run without rain. He told how she would go out in the winter to run and come back saying something like, "Well that was worth it!" And the spring has been no better, full of rain which meant lousy running weather. Recently, though, she changed her attitude and would come back saying, "At least I got to run".

My prayer this morning turned into just that, "At least I'm running Lord, now help me to change so that my life reflects that attitude". I even began to pray something to the affect of, "Let me run in such a way that even those who know me best and have joined me in saying 'This sucks!' won't know when I'm having a moment", not that I can't let anyone in and know what's going on, just that the real me isn't someone who lives like she's broken even when only with her inner circle.

OK, so where do mushrooms come in? Last week I ordered pizza for the kids and I; I always order two because we all like different things (always plenty of leftovers!). Mine was a vegetarian this time and I forgot to tell them to leave off the mushrooms. I found, though, that they added to the pizza and I wouldn't have known that if I didn't leave them on (Yes, I ate them, I didn't pick them off!). So how are the circumstances of my life like mushrooms? If I didn't have the circumstances of my life, I wouldn't be who I am today...just like that pizza would have been different, maybe not as good (and it was GOOD!) as it was...

Camp and other thoughts...

"Write", He says. "Write what?" I ask. I sit in a room, all to myself and wonder just exactly He wants me to write. But that's all I get. The Lord is mysterious and glorious all in one and I'm not sure what He wants me to do. But one thing I do know is that He wants me to write. So, write I shall.

So many thoughts roaming through my head, yet one rings out the loudest: my children. They are on their annual camping trip with the church. I know they're going to have a blast and miss me a little, yet one thought screams out at me: THIS IS MY GIRL'S FIRST YEAR! I'm so nervous, so anxious and honestly I want to go and get her! But I know that I can't do that. She probably wouldn't protest too much, but that would be just plain embarrassing! I don't recall being this way with the boy; when it was his first year I pretty much pushed him out! Yet that was a different time, with a different child. He's my healthy version of a mama's boy and once he said he wanted to go to camp I jumped at it! And I was nervous, but I knew that if I fostered the 'mama's boy' in him then he would fit the stereotype and I did not want that! And, their dad was alive.

This is not only her first year at camp, but also her first real time being away from BOTH mom and dad without another relative nearby. Yes, her brother is there; but let's be honest...he's a boy! I did make mention for him to watch out for her and make sure she was OK and all, but still.

So, as we're getting loaded up and ready to go I see the signs. The signs of, "I don't really like this, but I'm going to do it anyway" rising in my girl. I've learned just how different these two can be since Doug's home-going and she deals with things in a particular way. She'll get real hyper and kind of clingy and in your face and over the top with things...that's how she was. So, my prayer is that this evening as they're all winding down in their cabins my girl will find a counselor she can trust and become a shadow with.

I kind of miss my little shadow...

Hmmm

So many thoughts...so little time...It's about 8:40 at night and as calm as can be in the house. It's a gorgeous evening as well...I made a mistake though. I went down memory lane. I saw some pictures on facebook of my dear Doug and instantly I'm pulled back into those days. Those days. That has two meanings: the days of a marriage that at those times was nothing and the days when I was married at all. Now I don't have a choice. Well, I do, and I choose to go through this with flying colors (says the girl who follows the rules and the ABC order of life and wants nothing but the best), but I don't because now I am not married...that was taken from me.

I've done a lot of thinking in the last few days. Thinking about my marriage, my life since then, and what exactly have I learned in this trial? My marriage was just beginning to be what God had called it to be, and now it's gone. My life since Doug's passing has been interesting to say the least, as well as humbling. And I am learning just what I have learned in all this.

I learned that I am strong. That I make a great mom and an OK dad (I'm thankful for my kids' Uncle who fills that role as much as he can). That I'm vulnerable and it's OK to say that I need help. That I'll bend...but I won't break.

You see, I've done a lot of bending. Most of which I'm sure the enemy wanted to break me, but either my God is bigger (which is where I'm going here) or I'm down-right stubborn! Our God is bigger than ANYTHING the enemy throws at us...and that's what I've got to remember when looking down memory lane.

I believe I will marry again. God has told me to dream as a little girl dreams of her wedding. He's told me it will be divine, meaning that it will be divinely made and I'll only have Him to praise for it all. And He's given me just about the best kids on the face of the planet to walk this road with me (one just happened to pop down to the computer area ;-) ).

We can go on...just lean on Him, hope in Him, and trust that He is ever near...Blessings sweet friends...

Prayers...

I pray often. I like to say (stolen from someone else, not sure who though...possibly Joyce Meyer), "I don't pray for more than fifteen minutes, but I don't go fifteen minutes without praying". And today in my prayer time I was praying for my future...specifically my future spouse. You see, I believe God when He says things. His word says that it's not good that man should be alone (Genesis 2:18, NKJV); that what ever we ask in prayer we'll receive (Matthew 21:22, NKJV); and my favorite verse (probably my life-verse if I were to have one!), "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV).

So, I'm praying. As I'm praying I remember a book I'm reading by Stormie O'Martian called Just enough light for the step I'm on and I pray, "I lay this desire at Your feet and if it's not Your will for my life, take it". And after that I read today's Berean verse of the day that gets emailed to me every morning, "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace" (James 3:17 & 18, NKJV). Instantly I felt at peace. His wisdom is pure! And because I believe His word I know that I can trust when I read that His wisdom is pure first and THEN all the rest! So I can rest knowing that HIS wisdom is pure, that in this time of singleness I can rest in HIS pure wisdom.

I don't know what the future holds for me, but I know the future holder. I know that He promised me a future and a hope; I know that He'll never leave me nor forsake me; and I know that He hears my cries of loneliness and that He hears my prayers. I also know that I will marry again. I continue to pray both for my future spouse and that if it's not in His will to take that desire away. I've only been praying that way for a few days...but the desire is still there. But, I desire Him more....He is all I need.