Thoughts from a broken heart

Today would have been Doug's 42nd birthday. You will be happy that I went to work and all was well. Until I started the drive home. I totally lost it...this is the third birthday that he's not been here and it does not get any easier. I was so angry, just so not understanding why it had to happen at all! How things would be so much easier with him here!

This road started after I heard a gentleman call in on the radio. They were talking about how the female of the show got a Valentine text from her dad and how most girls are still their dad's Valentines even well after their daughter's have grown up. This particular dad called in and said that he's been 'gloriously destroyed' by his daughter, that it's almost as if God says to girls when they are born that they have their daddy's wrapped around their fingers (paraphrased that last bit ;-) ).

That statement of being 'gloriously destroyed' got me thinking...have I been gloriously destroyed? Has every person who's loved one has passed away been gloriously destroyed? I pray that I have been! That all that I am going through is simply to bring Him glory! Does it mean I like the journey? Not every day, like today I really do not like this journey. But does it give me hope? Yes it does!

I didn't come to this conclusion right away though...actually to be honest I've just come back from a self thrown pity party where I was the only attender. It wasn't until after I pulled myself up, shook myself off and started doing what my Father has called me to do (write) that I came to the conclusion of this journey bringing me hope. Before sitting down to write this I was laying down and just not wanting to get up...the reason for laying down was OK (went to bed way too late last night and I needed rest!), but staying down wasn't. When we stay down past the time the Lord gives us to rest we lose ourselves within ourselves.

I find it funny that He has much to say about isolation. Proverbs 18:1, for example, says, "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment"...hmmm. And confirmation of this came when I started perusing Facebook as I was getting up...friend after friend had something to say about relationships; starting with a good friend quoting Casey Treat as saying, "Relationships are hard-but without love they are doomed to fail. Choose to love because it's not just a feeling" - hit me right good! Yes, relationships are hard! But if we live by what Proverbs 18:1 says we will fight for those relationships that we do have and be thankful for the ones we once had but are no longer able to continue.

Another friend totally went down the Proverbs 18:1 path saying, "Isolation ALWAYS ends in defeat! This whole "ME & JESUS" theology must die! We NEED others!" (Gabriel Burr, Facebook status). This was followed by others who agreed wholeheartedly that we need others, both to build up and build us up, to help lead down the right path, to pray for and love one another!

The moral of the story? I cannot do this alone. I cannot walk this journey without others along the way holding me up, praying and encouraging me to continue to keep the faith, to hold out for the hope He has waiting for me! That being said, prayer is always welcome; a specific request would simply be that I lean more and more into Him and lean not on my own understanding, that He would continue to show His faithfulness even when I'm so unfaithful!

Blessings sweet friends!

I'm not alright

I'm sitting here listening to Sanctus Real's 'I'm not alright' and I'm reminded of my first speaking engagement where I took this song and ran with it.

It was the first Christmas after Doug died, the ladies Christmas dinner 2009. I wanted people to know that no, I'm not alright, that I'm broken inside, but that all I go through leads me to Christ (lyrics to the song). Many people asked me, and often over and over again how we were doing. Thankfully I was able to see that they all just love and care about the kids and I. However, my answer routinely became, "We're OK, thank you," when really we were broken inside. I also wanted people to know that our God is bigger than death and that even though we were broken inside we would be alright.

Two weeks

It dawned on me today that two weeks from today would be Doug's 42nd birthday. Yup. 42. With that thought came others; the main one being, "What are we going to do?". I really have no purpose to this blog today other than to state the obvious of the coming day...well that and state my choice.

Choice number one: Stay in bed pretending the day never happened. Yeah, right! With two kids, work, and school that is NOT AN OPTION!

Choice number two: Deny the day's existence. Also not an option as I live in the reality of this world.

Choice number three: Accept the day's existence, but treat everyone around me as if they should cater to my every need and pitch a fit if I don't get my way. Getting closer, but still not there. Just because I am experiencing what could potentially be a bad day does not give me the right to be angry at everyone around me. Last year I took February 15th off and the reason I gave was for the safety of those around me. Good reason as I could not guarantee anything that came out of my mouth that day, however I realize that I cannot continue like that. At some point I've got to realize that there are going to be bad days and I've got to deal with them as they come and thankfully I know I am not alone!

Choice number four: Accept the day as it is: a gift from my Father in heaven. Give Him that day knowing that He's got it all under control. Go on with life as usually, embracing that it is Doug's 42nd birthday, as well as a normal day in the Wilcox household.

My choice? Choice number four, with prayer, trembling, and a bit of excitement. Prayer because I know I can do this if I give it to Him in prayer; trembling because I am human and I don't want to disappoint my Father; and excitement because every other important day since Doug's home-going has been filled with something from above! I've gotten beautiful sunrises when previous days were horrible, thoughtful cards from friends, not to mention all the little prayers He answers!

So, I guess I have another reason for this post: In your most trying times, most unforgiving days, what do you choose to do? An ostrich may miss the storm going on around them with their head in the sand...but they also may miss the rainbow after the storm.

Full Circle

First of all I apologize that I am playing catch up in my blogs...I know I said one a week and for the lateness of this blog I am truly sorry! Phew! Conscience now clear!

Now on to the meat of the matter. Last week I was given the privilege of going back to the sunrise (4 am to about 8 am) shift at UPS. Let me back up a bit. When Doug died I asked if I could go home early to get my kids off to school. Where I was at they couldn't let me, but they moved me to an area that would allow that and then (after I told them that I didn't need to leave early anymore) they moved me to another area that I really did not want to be in. I loved the people, but it wasn't what I wanted to be doing. Then last May my kids asked that I see about switching to the day-shift (11 am to about 3 pm) so that I could be home with them in the mornings. I was hesitant but looked into it. I prayed about it, as did the kids, and two weeks after putting in for it I was transferred. I was so grateful that they were able to have a spot for me there. However, I missed the sunrise shift, specifically where I had started at in the first place.

Over the next few months things just seemed to get worse and worse on the day-shift. Nothing horrible, I was just finding that I did not enjoy going to work and my countenance had changed in regards to work. But I didn't realize it until after I worked double shifts over the month of December (UPS peak season) with those that I had worked with when I first started there. I saw that I loved it, that I really enjoyed them and the work was steady. The thoughts of going back to that area and that shift began to take residence within my days and finally I asked the supervisors if I could come back, if they would have a spot for me. They said they would find a place for me. I then talked to my kids about it and put in the necessary paperwork to be transferred back. The kids were mixed about it: Joey was initially upset and then warmed to the idea; Lizzie was game, I really don't think she really had an opinion about what shift I worked!

Then was the waiting game. I waited and asked what was going on and waited some more. Only after Joey (who, remember, was not really wanting me to go back!) prayed that I get transferred did I get transferred! And, as stated on another post, it happened after I was so just ugly!

So, it's been almost two weeks since I got transferred, and I love work again! All last week that is the one thing that I noticed...that I LOVED work. But that's not what this is about. It's about full circle. That can mean many things, I'm sure. But for me it means that I have come full circle. I started out in that area, with people that I love to be around doing work that isn't hard, but isn't easy either. Then I got moved around after Doug died. And now I am back. Doug's death has represented so many things and in this instance it's like a road. During the time I was away was like those bumpy times after he died, finally ending with me in tears on my knees! Only when I was ready to get healed and get on my knees did peace come. Peace in both my personal and work lives.

Am I there yet? Have I been healed? Honestly I'm really not sure, yet I know that I am well on the path to ultimate healing and I am learning how to get there!

Blah!

Today...Oh, today. Today was a curl back up in bed with a good book and forget today ever happened kind of day! But, curling back up in bed wishing for the day to blow over just wasn't going to happen. I still had to go to work, get the kids to piano, and try to fit some school work in. Life had to go on.

Today I knew was going to be rough, right from the start. I got up, got the kids to band, came home and sunk to my knees. I've been reading a book lately that has been such a good read, and so eye opening. It's called, "Ordering Your Private World", by Gordon Macdonald. His main point is that so many people get burnt out because they are not taking the quiet time they need to order their private world. As I was on my knees I was reminded of the words in his book that basically say, "if I am not taking the time I need to in my private world, my public world will crash down, I will get burnt out!" and that's what I was feeling. I felt as if I had 15 thousand things to do and I was the only one to do them and they all had to be done TODAY! In reality I only had a few things that all seemed to be happening at once and something had to give.

My prayer was a simple one: Lord, I need you this day to take over. I cannot do this. And honestly, going to the sunrise shift would make things so much easier!" Before I delve into my woes, I'll back up. I realized over the holidays that I LOVED the sunrise shift and I wanted to go back. I loved having work done by 9 am and have my whole day ahead of me for whatever may come up (kids, life, school, whatever!). I also realized that my own schooling seemed to go so much better when I was on that shift. So about two weeks ago I put in for a transfer back to that shift and two days ago my son started praying me back into that shift! (Oh the power of a child's prayer!) Here was the list of the 'to-do today': Band (7:30 am), come and study (if I had time), be back at the school for my daughter's class (they had something going on that she had requested I come to and I knew that it would make her feel special if I came), go to work, come home, take kids to piano, and then sleep. I was doing so good until the work part came.

I got to work and then got a text that a family member was in the hospital. I said a quick prayer, sent out prayer requests and then learned that the only other girl in my area called in...which meant that someone else would be doing her job and not his own, which in turn can make it hard for me. My attitude went downhill fast. I would stop every so often and say a quick prayer, realizing that I was being a brat, that my flesh was totally trying to win out! But it wasn't until I sent out an update on my family member and asked my prayer partners to pray for myself that things really started changing. Within minutes break was called at work and I was able to sit and cry out to the Lord (Yes, it is OK to cry at UPS, I've done it!) all but begging for His help! I also got reassuring texts from prayer partners that they were praying for me as well. I was also reminded that "the joy of the Lord is my strength" (Neh. 8:10, my version ;) ).

Ten minutes later break is over and I'm in another trailer loading it up. (For those who do not know, I load the freighter trailers at UPS. And not just one in a day, sometimes I'm in up to five throughout my day) A few minutes after being in there the manager of the whole building steps in with someone else. "Alicia, do you still want to go back to sunrise?" he asks. "Yes, I'd go back tomorrow if I could!" His initial reply was a teasing 'no' followed by, "how about Monday?" I quickly stated that Monday was perfect and I would get a hold of the supervisor for that shift. After he left I simply cried again. This time out of humility. I felt so humbled! Even after I had poured out all my ugliness to the Lord He still blessed it! Our God is so good to us, so faithful even when we are faithless!

I promptly called my son's school to get a note to him that our prayer had been answered as well as just thank the Lord for His goodness!

That time of year again!

That's right all, accountability time! OK, most refer to it as New Year's Resolutions, but this year I chose to call it "accountability". That's what we really mean isn't it? Those 'resolutions' don't stay that way for long and are often forgotten by February...however, accountability has a different tone to it.

By definition accountability is "the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable" (just for laughs the next definition has to do with schools, HA!). Resolution, on the other hand, is "a formal expression of opinion or intention made". Hm. So it seems that accountability has to do with the outward and resolution has to do with the inward. Maybe. Where am I going you ask? We ask someone to hold us accountable in something; we state a resolution but if we are not held accountable to it by an outside force (whether it be God or man) we fail. I know I have failed with resolutions! I've even failed somewhat at being held accountable. However, whenever someone holds me accountable to something I've resolved to do I have that conviction that comes and I try to quickly correct myself. I also know that when I know someone is watching almost my every move, I behave better ;).

All that being said, here is one of this year's resolutions that I hope y'all will hold me accountable for: writing a new blog entry every week. That is the big one. I have other small things that the Lord is asking me to do, but this was the big one! Now, I may not leave an entry here, so you may have to watch my facebook for other entries, but rest assured all...I will write!

Ponderings

The last few days I have been pondering...just pondering. I've been thinking of the Christmas season, now done and gone, and how this year seemed so different from the previous two.

Two years ago was the first Christmas after Doug's passing and so hard, yet good. We had family staying with us at the time and it was as perfect as we could get at that moment...perfect for us was unattainable, but we were close.

The following year was still hard, but a different hard. We had moved by then, so we were creating a new normal for the season. Our family now lives across the street from us and they were there when we put the decorations on as I didn't think we could do it alone.

This year, though, was even more different. This year we had gone to my sister's in Montana for Thanksgiving, something we hadn't done in years and I so needed my sister. But that meant that we would be out of town the day after Thanksgiving, which was when we usually put up our tree. By the time we got home it was late and the next day was back to life as we knew it. The weeks went by and still no tree nor was there any form of decorations up until my brother from across the street put up our lights. I had even contemplated not doing a tree at all this year because I just didn't want to deal with all the hassle of it!

The kids won out though and we put up our tree on Christmas Eve. We had all of six ornaments on it, but it was up (thankfully we have a fake tree!). As I've thought about it I've wondered why I didn't want to deal with it and the answer was simple...another 'thing' that I would be doing alone. No spouse to help put up, decorate, and take down. No one (seemingly) to enjoy it with. It had become just another reminder to me that I am physically alone on this earth.

Notice I said physically alone. I said it that way because I know that I am not alone, He's just unseen. Through this weird season He is by my side reminding me that I can do this, that with Him I can do anything!

Which brings me to today and my ponderings. I've realized that slowly but surely reminders of my sweet Dougie are going away. In the beginning it was the little things that I noticed: shoes not being in the way, socks not being on the floor, etc... As time went on bigger things such as him not being here to fix the car, help with the kids, help with Christmas, etc... I don't think it gets much bigger than the most recent finding: his work. I drive past his work every week to go to church, sometimes twice if it's a group night, and recently I noticed the name has been changed. At that moment I had a choice: hole up and cry (ummm, not while driving), or accept this and give it to the Lord. I chose the latter.

Sometimes it is hard to accept change and move on. Sometimes change comes at us whether we want it to or not. I would much rather have my Dougie here with me, but I know that because there was a change, I have a choice. Everyday we have choices, it's what we do with those choices that determines the outcome of our days! Do I hope that there won't be any more change regarding Doug? Yup. Do I realize that living in my own Utopia is dangerous? Oh yeah. Will I choose the right path when another change (in respect to Doug) comes? I hope so!