dreams

I've had many dreams of my Dougie...this one takes the cake, well almost ;-). I'm laying in bed still as it's my bday and thought that I had better write this one down...so here it is. All I remember is that I was at our new house (sort of) and the Berthoud's were there as were many other people trying to help us clean it up I think (it was our new house, but for some reason it needed a LOT of work done to it, mainly outside). I don't even remember how he got there but all of a sudden Doug was there, just like, "hey how's it goin?" and just started working on the fish tanks. I think it's funny because just yesterday I finished the turtle tank and instead of FREAKING OUT in my dream I wanted to show him how proud I was of it and in his typical Dougness he was like, "yeah good job" all nonchalant like ;-). After that he just went to town on getting the other tanks in the house fixed, cuz they were NAAAASTY! But all while he was fixing them (with Jareb's help) I was in unbelief. Now this wasn't just a dream to me, while in my dream I really thought it was real, I thought that this was reality and reality was the dream and typically when I've had those dreams I've woken up in tears. Not this time, even though I REALLY thought it was real somehow I knew it wasn't. Anyway, I ended up pulling Jareb aside and asking him if I was dreaming or if he was seeing Doug too. He told me that he saw him as well and was in unbelief just as I was. I finally pulled up enough courage to pull Doug aside, ask him to stop for a moment and just hug him. That's all I wanted was to hug him. Then I was all exited and had to tell EVERYONE that was there! I pulled Jenna up from the basement, as well as two ladies she was showing the house too, and told her I had a surprise for her. When she saw him though it was as if she was in unbelief as well. I introduced him to the ladies as my husband who had passed away in July! Then we all went outside and hung out. While we were just hanging out I remember all different people helping clean up our yard, people from work, people from distant family, yadda yadda yadda. And Doug was doing his normal thing of pointing out all the things that were really cool, like a fountain that someone had made. What was really weird is that while we were sitting there I remember thinking about finances! I remember thinking, "well his SSN is no longer good because he's 'dead', and that helps with the kids benefits, they'll still get them," and then I also remember thinking this, "I can get my ring! I can get his ring! Wait, do we have to get remarried? OH YAY! I can have the wedding of my dreams now!" God is so good, this my birthday and He gives me a dream of my beloved, a dream where he's taking care of me and holding me...

New things

I sit here in the midst of new things going on all around me...moving into a new home, new experiences of things I've never done and just all around new times. I've learned that drains do get plugged, dogs do eat paper and kids will be kids. I'll be the first to admit that this road hasn't been easy...isn't there supposed to be someone to take care of the drain, the dog and help with the kids? Under normal circumstances yes there is...and God has challenged me, pushed me seemingly beyond my limits. I thought this weekend that I saw the limits go out the window of a car I was traveling 60 mph in...I even sat in front of my bedroom door (it has no handle right now) so that I could gather my thoughts uninterrupted. And my thoughts continue to plague me...

Yet even though I want to scream into the wind just about everyday I have this knowing that He is ever near, ever present and ready to take on anyone who would try to come against me.

Oh how I wish things were different, that I did have an earthly husband to take care of the drain, the dog and play with the kids...but more than that I want Him. I want His approval, His eyes ever on me, His love pouring over me. And the amazing thing is that He is all of that and so much more.

On a more different tone the kids and I have gone to a counselor, mainly for me to get a professionals opinions regarding them. I'm so glad that we've gone. I have felt so reassured in how I've been talking to them and handling all this that has been place with us. We're going for our third and final session Wednesday which I'm both happy and sad - she's a neat lady!

Other than that...nothing's real new here, kids go back to school tomorrow, I stay on the same schedule and God's still on the throne ;-)

Foreign Lands

As I type this I am in the midst of packing and listening to my faithful IPod. The song that is playing got me to thinking, it's Minds Eye by DC Talk and in it they sing that we walk through foreign lands, just as the Israelis did. They walked through foreign lands literally, but I put that statement into my own life. How do I "walk through foreign lands" with the Lord? I pose that question to you...how do you want through foreign lands? Is it in the literal sense as the Israelis did? Or is it the figurative sense? Figuratively, I walk through foreign lands everyday. I wouldn't have said that seven months ago. I don't think that I could have put the connection together in that way. Figuratively, He has lead me through this foreign land of widowhood, walked with me every step of the way. He was with the Israelis every step of the way too and the good news is that He didn't lead them to places just to leave them there. He lead them to places where they would succeed, where He would show Himself to them, and eventually where they were to stay in the promised land. He never left them, nor forsook them...

Update

Here's the latest:God is still good, He's still on the throne and we are still breathing in His goodness. OK that's not new ;-). But here's what is. We're doing well, as well as one can be in our situation. Things still are different and there are many times that I want Doug to walk back in and just take over (don't tell him that, it could go to his head, lol!). His birthday came and went and was amazing...our gift from above was a new born baby born on that day. We tease that if Doug were here he wouldn't EVER let it go!

There's still "firsts" that are happening and it stinks, but again God is good and we will overcome! We did survive the first birthday without him, yet there are still things like moving, playing softball and more holidays. The kids handle this all so differently. Lizzie doesn't seem to recognize it, while Joey instantly shuts down somewhat. That's what happened tonight, I mentioned that softball was coming up (realizing myself that it would be different and it still stinks without him) and Lizzie voiced her opinion of it taking too long ("I get bored" is her response) while Joey looked at me and got quiet. I asked him what was going on and he said, "memories" - I wanted to tell him then (I told him later though) that while we are reminded of old memories we are making new ones. And though it stinks without our Big Daddy we know that the new memories will help make the transition easier, all while not replacing the old memories.

Drawing near...

(DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS, NOTHING SERIOUS JUST WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN THIS HEAD OF MINE)

As we draw nearer to Doug's 40th birthday I'm noticing just how sensitive I still am...still so raw. And it doesn't help that the enemy sees this as well.

Monday was just a blah day. I had sent one of my children off to school in a not good way (getting onto them and what not) and that seemed to just set the day off to a negative start.

Tuesday was good though. Tuesday is bible study day, so I was able to dwell in His word. I was shown just how well I am doing though. Through this study I felt as if He were saying, "you've done it. You've chosen to praise instead of stay in the pit of despair. You've chosen to let me handle this instead of take it over. You've chosen to trust."

This particular study is Beth Moore's Esther and it has nailed me to the wall! Yesterday focused on how Esther had to choose to go before the king and if she "perish, then she perish". Beth asked us to fill in those blanks, if then . She went on to describe a situation that hadn't happened, but she thought, "if then ." Well, mine was, "Since my husband has passed away, then I will praise Him." That has been my lifeline. My saving grace and I didn't even realize it was stated like that until yesterday. That's when I heard Him say, "you're doing it, you're going the right path and allowing Me to lead the way." Let's just say that I was glad I wasn't wearing any make-up yesterday!

Then today. Today had the makings of a HORRIBLE day. I mean, if I had a counselor I would be in their office BEGGING for something to just take me away. I could already see it, me laying on some couch bawling my head off demanding answers from a human that has limited answers to say the least. And it's funny, I can see now the enemy's tactic: Monday, make her feel so guilty that she yelled at her kid and steal her day away (he was successful there); Tuesday, well that's a bible study day, may not be able to get her then BUT; Wednesday, have her receive a collection notice from agency representing the fire department that transported her husband when she hasn't received ANY notice from the fire department herself...yeah that's the makings of RUIN RIGHT THERE!!! (Insert evil laughter here). Well, that did happen today. Right before I was to go be with my kids for lunch. SO I called the agency, explained my situation and said that I would call them back with a phone number for workman's comp. so they could file with them directly. I get back from lunch with kids and find the number and proceed to call the agency. A different person tells me that it's MY responsibility to get the claim number from workman's comp. and make sure that they'll cover the bill. By this time my strength is wearing very thin. (Not to mention that while looking for the number I happened to find some pictures of Doug so I had a wonderful trip down memory lane, thus causing more sensitivities) I then talk to workman's comp. and find out that I had the claim number the whole time (he was very understanding though and patient, praise God!). So I then call the agency back and talk to yet ANOTHER person who tells me (once I've given her the info) that they are in the same building...yep...same building. I was in tears by the time I hung up, thus causing the thoughts of me sitting on a counselors couch! Instead I was in the Counselor's arms. OH forgot to mention that while napping today I had a dream of Doug, a wonderful dream yet still added to my sensitivities. I rested there (in His arms) until I was much better. He is so amazing. I'm still upset, still bothered but praise Him that I didn't lose my cool at all while talking with any one person that I talked with today (not even my kids!). He's given me more than I could ever repay and all because I am His. And He loves me...

Dear Doug,

(For those wishing to read this it is just a letter to Doug...you may read, but beware that things may sound raw)

I miss you so much...everything about you, yes even your dirty clothes on the floor, your snoring (yes you did snore) and how you'd tickle me til I'd scream. I miss you stealing my sneezes from me, keeping the kids up later than I wanted and how you'd leave traces of you EVERYWHERE. I miss how you'd go to church early, let me sleep in on Saturday mornings and forgive me before I even asked it. I miss how you made me feel like a queen, how you made the kids feel like royalty and how much you'd grown in Him.

So much has changed in the last few months. I've done things I've never thought I'd have to do and soon I'll do more than that. I've learned how to start the motorcycle (soon I'll be riding it), take care of the lawn and make sure the plumbing is running smooth. All things that I thought you'd be doing alongside me. As I've stated the kids went back into public school and I've learned how to make decisions for the three of us, which is weird!

Most recently though we are planning to move. I've told others that had you still been here we wouldn't even think about moving, but it being just the kids and I, I thought it best to move. Really I wanted to move the day you left this earth, but I thought that I had better not make any rash decisions right at that moment. And I'm thankful that we waited. Had we moved it may not have been His will and we would be lost, stuck in an area that we didn't want to live in. Now, though, we have real chance. The Berthoud's have been absolutely amazing. They've bought a place out in Riverton and there just HAPPENS to be a house for sale right across the street from them! Originally we looked into a rental about 6 houses down from them and thought that's what we were doing...until their realtor and I talked and he asked me what I thought about buying a house. Well we started looking into buying that house and then found out the rental wasn't an option. As it stands right now we're waiting to hear from the owner of the house that is for sale. I put an offer on a house! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!!! I have to admit though, it was weird. The only times I've bought a house has been with you. I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T FAIR LORD!" and I have many a time, fewer and farther between though. I know that God knows what He's doing, that He hasn't left me and that He's only given me what He knows I can handle. But this sure isn't the way that I had thought things would be.

I've come to the place where I still want to tell you absolutely everything...yet at the same time I know that I must move on and that's what you would want for me and the kids: to remember you and the best way to do that is to go on with our lives, not as if you weren't ever a part of it, but as if we are awaiting our reunion with our Father in heaven and you. Thank you for wanting to go and prepare and save a place for us, and for being willing to go. You were always so selfless and giving...I love you...

Thoughts...

Things have been relatively good...we've had our moments, yet things are good. However, the last few days for some reason have been particularly hard, for no real reason, just hard. For example: the other morning I was just driving to work when I heard a song that sent me over the edge, I cried, "LORD! I was having a good day!" I continued to have a good day, yet memories had flooded me at that moment. If I allowed them those memories would take over. I miss him terribly, yet I know that this is the plan that He has for me and the kids.

He's shown me how everyone handles different situations. I look at others and think, "wow, look at what they've gone through". God then reminded me that if He had given them what He had given me, or vice versa, they would fall apart...or I would. I was just amazed at that thought. One, that He trusts me with this and two, that we are so different! If I had one test that another had ALONG WITH what I've been given, I would fail. BUT He is so good that He gives us each a measure that we can handle and through Him we are able to complete the task...