Spiritually Slapped

Have you ever been spiritually slapped? I have...more times than I'd like to admit! Yet here I am, admitting that I have just been spiritually slapped! I'm taking two courses this semester in order to achieve my BA in Psychology; Theology 104 and Psychology 210. Today I studied for both courses (I do distance learning through Liberty University). Nothing huge in Psych, other than another 96% on my quiz (they're open book! I should get 100%!!). However, Theo, got me going. I'm only a portion of the way in and it hits me, I can do more! The book that I'm reading is Core Christianity by Elmer Towns; the chapter is titled "Christianity is a Practical Religion". Duh, no brain-er there! As a Christian we're taught very simple truths. But here I sit, realizing that I'm not doing all that I could. I had this conversation in my head: yes I am, no I'm not...blah, blah, blah. The truth, in my own little world, is that I do what Christ asks...but is there more I can be doing? YES! I'm not saying that I'm gonna sell all I've got and go live in a hut in Zimbabwe! But what are practical ways that we can do the Lord's work? For some it is to go on missions, or live a missions filled life! I do not feel that the Lord has called my little family to that (not saying I wouldn't go, I am saying that if I did go right now it would be out of my OWN will and not the Lord's). What I do feel Him leading (and have for some time, insert bashful smile here) is to be more loving, more considerate, more patient to His creation. I do have times of "fleshing out", but people should see more of Christ and less of me in this life. Which means I hold my tongue, not engage in slander, love the unlovable. I can serve the homeless, provide a warm blanket, give the shirt off my back. I can teach my kids that we live in a blessed nation, that we have a God who has provided for us in ways we never thought we'd have to be provided for...and we can pass on that blessing and provision. It's a fine line we walk between works and salvation...yes, we are saved by grace and not by works, however if we just sit here getting "fat and sassy" (as I like to say) on the blessings of the Lord, we are GLUTTONS! Just as sinful as the addict down the street. We are not here to get fat on the goodness of our God, we're created for worship, to be the imagine of the one true God. We're blessed to be a blessing...are we living that way? I can honestly admit that I haven't been all that I can be, I've still got a ways to go in this race the Lord has set out for me and I pray that His light is what is seen as opposed to my fleshy ugliness...

Thankful

It's been a while since I've written and I thought it was about time that I did! And what has gotten me into the writing mood you ask? THANKSGIVING!!! I love the holidays, always have and I imagine that I always will! My sweet Doug loved the holidays as well, so the last holiday seasons without him have been...interesting, I'll put it that way. However, this was not meant to be a downer! Yes! Doug loved the holidays! Yes! I MISS HIM! But, I know that my God in heaven is bigger than death and it has no power over me! So...my first thought was, "what are you thankful for?" posing it to my audience...yet, there is so much that I am thankful for and I thought of this as I am sitting in my kitchen in a house I don't deserve with what I consider all the amenities! Here's my thankful list:
My GOD! Without Him we are nothing, with Him we are everything!
My children...words cannot express how amazingly thankful I am to our God who gave me these two precious gifts. They have taught me so much!
My home. Another gift from above; the kids and I say that the new car (which I am thankful for as well!) and the house are gifts from daddy because sadly if Doug hadn't have gone to be with Jesus we wouldn't have them...yet we'd have Doug. So I choose to think that Doug still wants to lavish us with all kinds of gifts ;-).
Air. We breathe relatively clean air.
Water. We drink relatively clean water.
Clothing. I feel fortunate enough to live in a country that provides such luxuries as excess clothing.
Speaking of country (and speech, lol!). I am thankful for this country's freedoms and the men and women who fight for those freedoms! If I haven't said it lately THANK YOU for your service!
My job. Often I've been known to say that I LOVE my job! And usually I say it sarcastically because something isn't going right that day, or I may have had some issues come up. However, I am truly thankful that I have a job and I work with some pretty cool people.
Time. Because of my job schedule I am afforded more time than most single working moms, for that I feel more than thankful...I feel blessed.
Friends. And by friends I mean the family kind. You know, the family you get to choose. I have some amazing friends who have been through thick and thin and still have stuck around. They know me better than I know myself sometimes and because they love me they tell me how it is...sometimes lovingly and sometimes not. BUT the fact remains that they are there for me and because they have been through the tough times I KNOW they are not going anywhere and I wouldn't have it any other way. Some friends come and go and some are worth the fight to keep them around.
Family. This list isn't in any order...really I'm typing as I'm thinking yet it doesn't mean that my family is less important than my home. I've been blessed with multiple families that sometimes was rough...yet it shaped me into the Alicia you see today, hopefully more like the Alicia God had originally intended and less like the fleshy Alicia that has been known to come around.
Church. Both THE church and MY church. The body of Christ...BIG church. I'm a rules kinda gal, I like structure and THE church has given me the structure I've needed. MY church has been Jesus with flesh on and I wouldn't change any one of them! We are a unique group of individuals ranging from babies all the way up to I'm not sure! And each and everyone of them loves as Jesus loves, gives as Jesus gives and even cries as Jesus cries.
OK...the list could go on and on and ON! Now...what are you thankful for?

"It's NOT FAIR!" she screams inside her head for fear she would scare the neighbors. "She" is every widow, every woman left here on this earth seemingly to fend for herself.

"It's not fair that my daughter has to write notes never to give to her daddy! It's not fair that my son's daddy never got to see his first pitch from the pitching mound! It's not fair that I get to enjoy this house and don't get to tell him not to fix things! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Yes this is a moment of my morning. I read an email stating what I have stated all along this last year: it's okay to wallow, just not okay to stay there. And then I started wallowing...then bawling. All this is true, I hate the fact that their daddy hasn't seen a sporting game of theirs, enjoyed this house with us and just everyday life. It's also true that I serve a mighty God who knew this was gonna happen...He didn't sneeze and forget about us.

What was neat was in the midst of my wallowing I heard His voice saying, "look at you, you've turned the tables." "What?" I didn't understand what He meant just yet. Then it hit me. A year ago I was saying how unfair it was for Doug to have left us, that we were left here on this earth and he was so selfish! And here I am today, thinking how unfair it was for him to be missing out on these everyday life moments. I miss Doug so badly, I still feel as if there's a hole in my heart. But somehow, someway, it's getting easier and I'm still learning all I can in this season of our lives.

So, yet again I have a choice - to stay and wallow, or to press on toward the prize. I choose to press on, to have my wallow moments but to ultimately press on...and up in Him.

I am determined...

I am determined.
I have a mind to set things straight,
I will not stay where I am at today,
or tomorrow.
I am determined.

I am driven.
To see my kids grow, to see them laugh,
to hear their stories and even
see them cry.
I am driven.

I resolve.
To fight the good fight,
To stay pure and holy and think on
those things.
I resolve.

I have not settled.
For this present situation,
to be the end all be all
for me.
I have not settled.

I will finish.
This race set before me,
With grace and the Lord's holy hand
holding me tight.
I will finish.

I am determined.
To not let the enemy win,
to not have him get the last word,
to win.
I am determined.

Are you?

Gardens...

Gardens

I have been thinking about this coffee talk ever since Christine asked me to speak! Ok, really it has been longer than that...more like a long time, "what would I say if they asked ME to talk??!!" First I felt the Holy Spirit say, "you would say yes" and then I freaked...I like hearing people talk and writing, but not speaking necessarily! But God is bigger than any feeling and I'm willing to change! So, that being said, I was praying and really seeking the Lord on a particular area in my life and why I may be having "issues" there. What I got was gardens. I would love it if I made more time (and had the knowledge) for being out in my front yard doing yardwork, as well as have a garden. A good garden is well cared for, weeded regularly and pruned. It hit me that LIFE is a garden, plain and simple. Every garden has a gardener, whether good or not so good. A good gardener will prune, weed and carefully tend their garden. A not so good one plants and hopes for the best.

As I was praying I realized that life can be a garden with a Master gardener, it depends on us. The Lord is the Creator of the garden. The Bible starts out with the garden of Eden. Starting in Genesis 2:8 it states:

8 The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed. 9 And out of the ground the LORD God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
10 Now a river went out of Eden to water the garden, and from there it parted and became four riverheads.

God's ultmate goal was to create a place that man could live and sustain himself. God, being a Master gardener, created a place that supplied food, caught the eye and was self-sustaining (the river running out of Eden to the garden). The story continues in verse 15:

15 Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; 17 but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

His voice was to be obeyed, had His voice been obeyed they would have lived! But we know the rest of the story, a deceiver came in and planted seeds of doubt. Another gardener; where God planted life, this one planted doubt and eventually death. This was a literal garden...let's turn it toward our own lives.

The Lord comes into our lives with His pruning shears and many of us want to run in the other direction, yet if given permission He'll still prune us. He prunes all that is garbage, all that is unnecessary and all that is unwanted...He prunes all the weeds and the dead spots. These things take valuable nutrients away from the areas that He wants to come to fruition. Sometimes He even prunes areas where everything was seemingly growing just fine, leaving us in a whirlwind of questions. This I chalk up to Him being a Master gardener, knowing what I possibly just cannot fathom or understand.


As I was praying I realized just how many other "gardeners" I had allowed access with their pruning shears. It dawned on me that the Master has so much more work to do when we allow other gardeners in! And how much work He has to do when I decide to be a gardener in other lives. But, BUT, if we listen and allow the Lord to come in and take over, prune and get rid of areas that are either dead or dying (or killing us) then after the shock of the initial cut He comes in with His gentle hand.

Isaiah 51:3 (New King James Version)

3 For the LORD will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the LORD;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.

A hand that is filled with water, good soil and His Son.

Micah 5:2 (New King James Version)


2 “ But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah,
Though you are little among the thousands of Judah,
Yet out of you shall come forth to Me
The One to be Ruler in Israel,
Whose goings forth are from of old,
From everlasting.”


He comes with fertilizer, His holy word, that if read will provide life altering nutrition!

Psa 18:30 As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the LORD is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Psa 56:4 In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?

Psa 56:10 In God (I will praise His word), In the LORD (I will praise His word),

Pro 30:5 Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.

Isa 55:10, 11 "For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, But water the earth, And make it bring forth and bud, That it may give seed to the sower And bread to the eater, So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.


We've got to get this people; we've got to understand that God is a Master gardener, full of love and mercy (Eph), grace (Acts), and salvation (Luke)!

Luk 19:9 And Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house,

Eph 2:4-9 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Act 11:23 When he came and had seen the grace of God, he was glad, and encouraged them all that with purpose of heart they should continue with the Lord.

We are thrown curve balls in this race called life and we are given a choice: will we let Him come in and prune, or will we let the world come in and stifle?

Mat 13:22 "Now he who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, and the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful.

The Box...

I have a box. I've lived in several, only to have them blown apart by my loving Father. But that's not this box. The box I write about now is a literal box. Right now it sits in my closet toward the back awaiting my attention, as it has for the past year.

This box is full of memories, full of hurt and healing, full of lost dreams and love. This box was created shortly after my Dougie's home-going.

It's a process that I've put off. I can look at it now though. At first it was in the bottom floor of my old house...where I never went and therefore never saw which meant I didn't have to deal with it. Then we moved and it came with us. It sat in a corner of my family room in between a couch and a chair for several months until I decided it was time to straighten that room up. Then it moved to my room on a trunk. That's when the idea hit me to write about it.

As it has moved it's gotten closer to the destination of it's contents: a memory chest in my closet. I am all about healing and I know that healing comes when I deal with things and move on. I know that I won't truly move on until the Lord's loving, healing hands pour over me...and that only happens when I allow it.

I know that I have to go through this box and "blow" it apart so-to-speak, but I also know that grieving is a process best left to the loving hands of my Father. I won't delay it, but I won't rush it either...what's your box look like?

The Invitation...

We all have it. We have all been given the invitation I speak of. The only thing is that it is an invitation for one. A chance to dance in the halls of pity. "Pity! Pity party of ONE!" It calls loudly to you, screams it sometimes. What do we do with it? Do we indulge? Do we sit at the tables that surround waiting for someone, ANYONE, to come and join us? Or do we acknowledge the invitation's presence and move on?

This is where I am today...with the invitation in my hand at the crossroads of Pity Party Lane and Freedom BLVD. Started out well-enough...well almost. Was almost late for work (seemingly my forte lately), growled at some co-workers, and then realized it was the first Friday night in a while where I didn't have something (softball) planned...and I froze. That was when the invitation was handed over.

As most (if not all) of you know this last week was the first anniversary of Doug's home-going...so it would seem fitting to be invited to a party...right? I've felt fine, haven't gotten too over-emotional and have felt level headed about most things. Which is more than I can say about this time last year. This time last year I was a walking zombie (don't tell my kids that, we don't do the whole 'zombie' thing ;-)), praying and believing that SOMEONE was taking care of my kids because I simply could not.

And they were taken care of. God is so good to have place so many wonderful people in my life that I didn't need to worry about a thing...in fact when everyone left and it was me and the kids, I had a hard time adjusting to doing things for myself again!!

To those who have prayed...thank you.

To those who've supported...thank you.

To those who've simply cared...thank you.

So...this invitation? I returned to sender...address unknown...

I am...

I am

a mom, a friend, a daughter.

I am

bold, strong and courageous.

I am

forgiven, forgiven and FORGIVEN!

I am

free, bought with a price, loved.

I am

loyal, kind, compassionate.

I am

obedient, rebellious, repentant.

I am

not a title of wife, or widow, yet I am both.

I am

loving, human, full of wonder.

I am

surrendered.

I am

His.

Are you?

dreams

I've had many dreams of my Dougie...this one takes the cake, well almost ;-). I'm laying in bed still as it's my bday and thought that I had better write this one down...so here it is. All I remember is that I was at our new house (sort of) and the Berthoud's were there as were many other people trying to help us clean it up I think (it was our new house, but for some reason it needed a LOT of work done to it, mainly outside). I don't even remember how he got there but all of a sudden Doug was there, just like, "hey how's it goin?" and just started working on the fish tanks. I think it's funny because just yesterday I finished the turtle tank and instead of FREAKING OUT in my dream I wanted to show him how proud I was of it and in his typical Dougness he was like, "yeah good job" all nonchalant like ;-). After that he just went to town on getting the other tanks in the house fixed, cuz they were NAAAASTY! But all while he was fixing them (with Jareb's help) I was in unbelief. Now this wasn't just a dream to me, while in my dream I really thought it was real, I thought that this was reality and reality was the dream and typically when I've had those dreams I've woken up in tears. Not this time, even though I REALLY thought it was real somehow I knew it wasn't. Anyway, I ended up pulling Jareb aside and asking him if I was dreaming or if he was seeing Doug too. He told me that he saw him as well and was in unbelief just as I was. I finally pulled up enough courage to pull Doug aside, ask him to stop for a moment and just hug him. That's all I wanted was to hug him. Then I was all exited and had to tell EVERYONE that was there! I pulled Jenna up from the basement, as well as two ladies she was showing the house too, and told her I had a surprise for her. When she saw him though it was as if she was in unbelief as well. I introduced him to the ladies as my husband who had passed away in July! Then we all went outside and hung out. While we were just hanging out I remember all different people helping clean up our yard, people from work, people from distant family, yadda yadda yadda. And Doug was doing his normal thing of pointing out all the things that were really cool, like a fountain that someone had made. What was really weird is that while we were sitting there I remember thinking about finances! I remember thinking, "well his SSN is no longer good because he's 'dead', and that helps with the kids benefits, they'll still get them," and then I also remember thinking this, "I can get my ring! I can get his ring! Wait, do we have to get remarried? OH YAY! I can have the wedding of my dreams now!" God is so good, this my birthday and He gives me a dream of my beloved, a dream where he's taking care of me and holding me...

New things

I sit here in the midst of new things going on all around me...moving into a new home, new experiences of things I've never done and just all around new times. I've learned that drains do get plugged, dogs do eat paper and kids will be kids. I'll be the first to admit that this road hasn't been easy...isn't there supposed to be someone to take care of the drain, the dog and help with the kids? Under normal circumstances yes there is...and God has challenged me, pushed me seemingly beyond my limits. I thought this weekend that I saw the limits go out the window of a car I was traveling 60 mph in...I even sat in front of my bedroom door (it has no handle right now) so that I could gather my thoughts uninterrupted. And my thoughts continue to plague me...

Yet even though I want to scream into the wind just about everyday I have this knowing that He is ever near, ever present and ready to take on anyone who would try to come against me.

Oh how I wish things were different, that I did have an earthly husband to take care of the drain, the dog and play with the kids...but more than that I want Him. I want His approval, His eyes ever on me, His love pouring over me. And the amazing thing is that He is all of that and so much more.

On a more different tone the kids and I have gone to a counselor, mainly for me to get a professionals opinions regarding them. I'm so glad that we've gone. I have felt so reassured in how I've been talking to them and handling all this that has been place with us. We're going for our third and final session Wednesday which I'm both happy and sad - she's a neat lady!

Other than that...nothing's real new here, kids go back to school tomorrow, I stay on the same schedule and God's still on the throne ;-)

Foreign Lands

As I type this I am in the midst of packing and listening to my faithful IPod. The song that is playing got me to thinking, it's Minds Eye by DC Talk and in it they sing that we walk through foreign lands, just as the Israelis did. They walked through foreign lands literally, but I put that statement into my own life. How do I "walk through foreign lands" with the Lord? I pose that question to you...how do you want through foreign lands? Is it in the literal sense as the Israelis did? Or is it the figurative sense? Figuratively, I walk through foreign lands everyday. I wouldn't have said that seven months ago. I don't think that I could have put the connection together in that way. Figuratively, He has lead me through this foreign land of widowhood, walked with me every step of the way. He was with the Israelis every step of the way too and the good news is that He didn't lead them to places just to leave them there. He lead them to places where they would succeed, where He would show Himself to them, and eventually where they were to stay in the promised land. He never left them, nor forsook them...

Update

Here's the latest:God is still good, He's still on the throne and we are still breathing in His goodness. OK that's not new ;-). But here's what is. We're doing well, as well as one can be in our situation. Things still are different and there are many times that I want Doug to walk back in and just take over (don't tell him that, it could go to his head, lol!). His birthday came and went and was amazing...our gift from above was a new born baby born on that day. We tease that if Doug were here he wouldn't EVER let it go!

There's still "firsts" that are happening and it stinks, but again God is good and we will overcome! We did survive the first birthday without him, yet there are still things like moving, playing softball and more holidays. The kids handle this all so differently. Lizzie doesn't seem to recognize it, while Joey instantly shuts down somewhat. That's what happened tonight, I mentioned that softball was coming up (realizing myself that it would be different and it still stinks without him) and Lizzie voiced her opinion of it taking too long ("I get bored" is her response) while Joey looked at me and got quiet. I asked him what was going on and he said, "memories" - I wanted to tell him then (I told him later though) that while we are reminded of old memories we are making new ones. And though it stinks without our Big Daddy we know that the new memories will help make the transition easier, all while not replacing the old memories.

Drawing near...

(DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS, NOTHING SERIOUS JUST WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN THIS HEAD OF MINE)

As we draw nearer to Doug's 40th birthday I'm noticing just how sensitive I still am...still so raw. And it doesn't help that the enemy sees this as well.

Monday was just a blah day. I had sent one of my children off to school in a not good way (getting onto them and what not) and that seemed to just set the day off to a negative start.

Tuesday was good though. Tuesday is bible study day, so I was able to dwell in His word. I was shown just how well I am doing though. Through this study I felt as if He were saying, "you've done it. You've chosen to praise instead of stay in the pit of despair. You've chosen to let me handle this instead of take it over. You've chosen to trust."

This particular study is Beth Moore's Esther and it has nailed me to the wall! Yesterday focused on how Esther had to choose to go before the king and if she "perish, then she perish". Beth asked us to fill in those blanks, if then . She went on to describe a situation that hadn't happened, but she thought, "if then ." Well, mine was, "Since my husband has passed away, then I will praise Him." That has been my lifeline. My saving grace and I didn't even realize it was stated like that until yesterday. That's when I heard Him say, "you're doing it, you're going the right path and allowing Me to lead the way." Let's just say that I was glad I wasn't wearing any make-up yesterday!

Then today. Today had the makings of a HORRIBLE day. I mean, if I had a counselor I would be in their office BEGGING for something to just take me away. I could already see it, me laying on some couch bawling my head off demanding answers from a human that has limited answers to say the least. And it's funny, I can see now the enemy's tactic: Monday, make her feel so guilty that she yelled at her kid and steal her day away (he was successful there); Tuesday, well that's a bible study day, may not be able to get her then BUT; Wednesday, have her receive a collection notice from agency representing the fire department that transported her husband when she hasn't received ANY notice from the fire department herself...yeah that's the makings of RUIN RIGHT THERE!!! (Insert evil laughter here). Well, that did happen today. Right before I was to go be with my kids for lunch. SO I called the agency, explained my situation and said that I would call them back with a phone number for workman's comp. so they could file with them directly. I get back from lunch with kids and find the number and proceed to call the agency. A different person tells me that it's MY responsibility to get the claim number from workman's comp. and make sure that they'll cover the bill. By this time my strength is wearing very thin. (Not to mention that while looking for the number I happened to find some pictures of Doug so I had a wonderful trip down memory lane, thus causing more sensitivities) I then talk to workman's comp. and find out that I had the claim number the whole time (he was very understanding though and patient, praise God!). So I then call the agency back and talk to yet ANOTHER person who tells me (once I've given her the info) that they are in the same building...yep...same building. I was in tears by the time I hung up, thus causing the thoughts of me sitting on a counselors couch! Instead I was in the Counselor's arms. OH forgot to mention that while napping today I had a dream of Doug, a wonderful dream yet still added to my sensitivities. I rested there (in His arms) until I was much better. He is so amazing. I'm still upset, still bothered but praise Him that I didn't lose my cool at all while talking with any one person that I talked with today (not even my kids!). He's given me more than I could ever repay and all because I am His. And He loves me...

Dear Doug,

(For those wishing to read this it is just a letter to Doug...you may read, but beware that things may sound raw)

I miss you so much...everything about you, yes even your dirty clothes on the floor, your snoring (yes you did snore) and how you'd tickle me til I'd scream. I miss you stealing my sneezes from me, keeping the kids up later than I wanted and how you'd leave traces of you EVERYWHERE. I miss how you'd go to church early, let me sleep in on Saturday mornings and forgive me before I even asked it. I miss how you made me feel like a queen, how you made the kids feel like royalty and how much you'd grown in Him.

So much has changed in the last few months. I've done things I've never thought I'd have to do and soon I'll do more than that. I've learned how to start the motorcycle (soon I'll be riding it), take care of the lawn and make sure the plumbing is running smooth. All things that I thought you'd be doing alongside me. As I've stated the kids went back into public school and I've learned how to make decisions for the three of us, which is weird!

Most recently though we are planning to move. I've told others that had you still been here we wouldn't even think about moving, but it being just the kids and I, I thought it best to move. Really I wanted to move the day you left this earth, but I thought that I had better not make any rash decisions right at that moment. And I'm thankful that we waited. Had we moved it may not have been His will and we would be lost, stuck in an area that we didn't want to live in. Now, though, we have real chance. The Berthoud's have been absolutely amazing. They've bought a place out in Riverton and there just HAPPENS to be a house for sale right across the street from them! Originally we looked into a rental about 6 houses down from them and thought that's what we were doing...until their realtor and I talked and he asked me what I thought about buying a house. Well we started looking into buying that house and then found out the rental wasn't an option. As it stands right now we're waiting to hear from the owner of the house that is for sale. I put an offer on a house! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!!! I have to admit though, it was weird. The only times I've bought a house has been with you. I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T FAIR LORD!" and I have many a time, fewer and farther between though. I know that God knows what He's doing, that He hasn't left me and that He's only given me what He knows I can handle. But this sure isn't the way that I had thought things would be.

I've come to the place where I still want to tell you absolutely everything...yet at the same time I know that I must move on and that's what you would want for me and the kids: to remember you and the best way to do that is to go on with our lives, not as if you weren't ever a part of it, but as if we are awaiting our reunion with our Father in heaven and you. Thank you for wanting to go and prepare and save a place for us, and for being willing to go. You were always so selfless and giving...I love you...

Thoughts...

Things have been relatively good...we've had our moments, yet things are good. However, the last few days for some reason have been particularly hard, for no real reason, just hard. For example: the other morning I was just driving to work when I heard a song that sent me over the edge, I cried, "LORD! I was having a good day!" I continued to have a good day, yet memories had flooded me at that moment. If I allowed them those memories would take over. I miss him terribly, yet I know that this is the plan that He has for me and the kids.

He's shown me how everyone handles different situations. I look at others and think, "wow, look at what they've gone through". God then reminded me that if He had given them what He had given me, or vice versa, they would fall apart...or I would. I was just amazed at that thought. One, that He trusts me with this and two, that we are so different! If I had one test that another had ALONG WITH what I've been given, I would fail. BUT He is so good that He gives us each a measure that we can handle and through Him we are able to complete the task...

2010

This is a new year, I know, kinda a DUH! But this is huge for me. I feel God is challenging me about 2009. I want so badly to hold on to 2009, it was such a pivotal year! Yet, it's just a year. It has a beginning (REALLY GOOD!), a middle (REALLY SUCKY!) and an end (it was ok). Just like a book.

And this is where the challenge is. Do I just move on as if nothing happened? NO! Doug was too big a part of my life to just do that! (OK, he was just big!) Do I dwell where Doug once was? No, not that either.

God is showing me that, yes, He is a God of yesterday, today and forever. He was there when I welcomed 2009. He was there when I was at the hospital on that fateful day. He was there when I closed the door on 2009. He's here now, as I type this out. He's here holding me up, enabling me to do the everyday things that need to get done and all without FREAKING OUT! He's here when my kids are having a bad day or ask questions about their daddy's passing. And He will continue to be here. He'll be here when Lizzie crowns in Impact Girls Ministry, walking where her daddy would. He'll be here when Joey goes camping for the first time WITHOUT his momma. He'll be here when they graduate, when they find that special someone and when they start families of their own. He'll even be there when that special someone comes into my life.

So as I venture out into this new year know that I still and always will miss my husband TERRIBLY! BUT this is a new year! What would I be missing out on if I lived in 2009?? I don't wanna find out! I wanna find out what 2010 holds for us! I have this hope that there is more than just "being", there's more to this life than being a couch potato allowing my feelings to rule me rather than me rule them!

My prayer is that you, too, will have that same hope. Hope that says, "this situation may stink, but I KNOW that there is something better for me on the other side. AND EVEN IF it doesn't get any better I choose to praise my God for all that I DO have!"

Newness

So I made it through. Christmas was a blur, yet holds so many memories. Joey got his turtle that he's wanted for about 5 years and Lizzie will get her two kitties once we move. I got a Kitchen Aid stand mixer that I've always wanted. We went to brunch with some great friends and then later to a movie.

New Years was fun as well. We spent the evening with another group of great friends. And we all had a blast. I don't think I saw either of my kids for more than five minutes at a time! And everyone there was amazing. I didn't for a minute feel like an outsider, that I didn't belong which has happened to me in times past (by my own fault, nothing anyone else did).

Neither of these days was I too sure about, yet there was nothing I could do to stop them, lol.

The gifts that we got won't replace all that we've lost this passed year and I would be living a lie if I thought that they would. So I'm faced with a dilemma yet again. I can choose to move on or I can choose to stay. So many times I would like to stay, yet what would that fix? Would it bring Doug back? Nope. Would it make me feel better? Nope. Yet I'm sure that many have felt it would do a disservice to move on. That's where I am at, yet I KNOW that Doug would say, (in a very stern voice) "MOVE ON!" I have no ill feelings toward moving on; it hurts and it sucks yet I know that He is with me through this all. I don't think that moving on is a bad thing, that having a new life is harming my old one in any way. And that's what this is...a new life. I'm thankful for the new year, thankful that 2009 is now over and 2010 is a promise of new things to come. 2009 holds so many memories, good and bad, and 2010 holds the possibility of new memories to be made :-)

Love to you all and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!