hmmm...

***sigh***

I should have seen this coming. I probably did, if I'm honest with myself. You see, this morning I woke up after having had a dream about Doug. I haven't had one in some time, so when I awoke I felt that the dream was the reality and this world I'm in is the dream...and I hate dreams like that; thankfully I've only had two.

This one was a good one: I dreamt that we lived in our current house with the Berthoud's right across the street still. I remember Doug just 'being' there, being real and that's probably what hurts the most...in my dream he was real and there and let me hold him and he hold me. I remember thinking, "Oh yea! Jareb has his best-friend back!" and "how exactly is this going to work? I mean, are we still married or do we have to go through that again?". I remember waking up and realizing that was the dream...and this is reality.

I said earlier that I should have seen this coming, which is true. The last few weeks I've felt challenged. I've felt the Lord asking me to do things I've not wanted to do and I've put off. I still have several of Doug's clothing items that I wear (as work clothes or pajamas [all his other clothes I've put away for Joey to go through if he wants when he's older]). I believe the Lord asked me to trust Him and to get rid of those last few items, things that aren't worth saving for Joey nor worth giving away. So, over the course of the last few weeks I've washed or thrown out those items and yesterday I bought new work clothes to replace the clothes I would be getting rid of. This, I believe, is where the dream came from.

So now I have a choice: to say, "OK Lord, this is YOUR day, do with it as you will!" or "This sucks, come get me when the days over cuz I'm hiding in my hole". It's days like today that really come down to me and my attitude. I've already prayed (several times, really) and often times it feels as if the Lord is saying, "Come on, you can do this, I'm here with you but you know what to do" and challenging us to move on and move up. However, that doesn't mean it's easy.

My choice today is to rest in the knowledge that He knows the plans He has for me, "plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV). This has been my life verse and I hold onto it now more than ever!

Blessings my friends...