Again?

My heart hurts...again.

Over the last few days I have pondered many things about the Holidays.  This is the fourth Holiday season without Doug and sadly it really hasn't gotten any easier.  In fact, I think I've just gotten better at covering up what's going on inside.

The first Christmas we were blessed to have our sweet friends the Berthoud's living with us, along with the Jones'.  Having them there helped to cushion the blows of being without Doug.  The kids got their socks blessed off by the Workman's Comp Fund and we made the best of it.  I wonder, though, if all the presents were just a distraction keeping us from dealing with the hurt and pain inside of all of us.

The next year we were all in new (and separate) homes.  This brought on a new type of pain, a pain of us realizing we were moving on without him.  The Berthoud's lived right across the street and came over when we put our tree up...the tree was a new tradition as well.  It was a fake one...maybe somewhat describing myself at that point in time - fake because I was hiding what was really going on inside from everyone including myself.  They helped us decorate and supported us in another time that we needed Jesus with flesh on...they really are the only ones who've seen us all at our worst and love and support us along the way of this healing road.

The third year I decided that we were healed enough to put our own decorations up without anyone for us to crutch on.  I KNOW that they would have been there in a heartbeat if I had asked, they always are.  Yet I also knew that if we didn't just rip the band-aid off, so-to-speak, we never would.  I've always been that way, I'd just rather deal with all the pain that ripping that band-aid off will yield than a festering band-aid that just annoys me.  We did good...we laughed, we cried, and we got it all up.

This year is really no different than last year.  Well, yes it is.  What I forgot to mention is that last year we went up to Montana to be with my sister for Thanksgiving and by the time we got back I didn't even really want to put the tree up because I was so busy with school and work.  But we did...just as we did again this year.  I think we even did better this year in our dealing with Doug not being here.  Yes, we cried.  Yes, I dealt with stubborn preteen emotions.  Yes, we got the tree up and it's gorgeous.

However, this year is different.  There have been many times where I've just thought, "Oh, how I wish Doug were here!"  Who doesn't want that extra shoulder to cry on?  Who doesn't want someone to shop with for the kids?  Who doesn't want someone to just help?  I have had my moments of crying out to the Lord because of different situations that I feel no one else would understand.  This year I shopped for the kids with the kids (I don't recommend it with 9 and 11 year olds!).  And this year I've also gotten phone calls about mice in the house (Joey's a good mouser, haha!), heard many a 's/he's picking on me!' and ran into a tree...all things I would love to have a helpmate for!

Again, though, I'm reminded that I have not been chosen to walk this road for no reason...He has always had a plan for this and every part of my life.  Just this morning I heard of another brother in the Lord who has gone on to be with Jesus...which is why my heart hurts again.  I read all the posts to his beloved wife and I'm almost immediately brought back to July 17, 2009.  I read all the well wishes, condolences and her broken heart and I hurt for her, with her.

So this post is two-fold: one for me to pour my heart out yet again and two for those who may read this that may be like most of the world in not knowing how to help someone who is going through the death of a spouse (the death of any one close really).  First: Give space.  Let them know that you are there if they want someone to talk to, yet don't be the one who is coming up frequently asking if they are OK, especially if you are not really close to them.  The honest answer to "are you OK?" is, "Well, what do you think? I just lost my spouse! Of course I'm not OK!"  Second: Give time.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Some shut down and are 'ready' to move on right away; others take years to fully process what has happened.  There is no formula for when grief is done...really grief is going to be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives because there will always be something to remind them of their loved one.  Third: Give grace.  This is a touchy time.  Emotions are high and sometimes volatile toward those around them.  Please know that they are not themselves, they are just walking through the stages of grief and much grace may be needed.  Fourth: Give prayer.  They need it. Pray for peace, for comfort, for love, for some understanding, and for His will to be made alive in them.

If you are close, remain close if you can...if you can't do that well, it may be best if you took a backseat.  I was blessed with some amazing friends who have been through it all with me...one who has never been through what I have (and I pray she never does) yet she cries with me just as if it were her instead of me.  If you are not close and wonder what you could do, well, read the list above and if nothing else just pray for them!  Sometimes those who are close become distant and those who are distant become close.  God knows who we need in our lives and will place each of us in the right places at just the right time.  One of the finest gifts I got in the beginning of my grief walk was a friend who had waited to say anything because he and his wife knew what I was going through...yet at just the right time he sent an encouraging word letting me know that they were there if I ever needed anything.  (They knew my walk because they had lost a child in a fatal accident just a few years prior to Doug's death)

I pray that if this beloved sister reads this that she will be comforted both by these words and our heavenly Father who knew that this would happen and is holding her together when she feels that she is falling a part.  And I pray that you who read this and don't know what to do around those who are grieving gain a little insight into those who are.

Redeemed

I was sitting minding my own business the other day when a great song came on...as you may or may not remember God speaks to me through songs many times and this was no exception.  The song was Jason Gray's Remind Me Who I Am and the premise is us asking God to remind us who we are when we are low.

I've heard this song quite a bit but when I listened this time I heard the lyrics for what seemed like the first time...take a read:

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I cant remember what grace is

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can't receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You
To You

I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love
That will be enough, I'm the one You love

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You
To You

I have loved this song since I first heard it on the radio, but it wasn't until this latest listen that I heard, "I'm the one you love, I'm the one you love, That will be enough, I'm the one you love".  Now hold your spot here for a minute while I tell you of another song that I heard this morning.

I was at work stewing over a situation that I really didn't need to be stewing over.  I had to do something that I REALLY did not want to do but knew that I needed to and I was getting anxious over it.  I quickly flipped on my praise on Pandora to help me as I quietly prayed about what I needed to do.  It was evident that something was the matter and a few people even asked what was going on and if they could do anything.  My simple reply was, "I've just got a lot on my mind".  After a song or two I heard one of my favorites right now, How He Loves Us. I nearly lost it right in the middle of work...and again got a part of the song that I had never gotten before...He is jealous for me.  

Just as a husband is healthily jealous for his wife, our God is jealous for us.  This does not mean that if a friend is vying for my attention God (as my husband) gets outraged at me, but rather that when an enemy comes and accuses me of things that I have not done He comes to my defense.  He cries with me and comforts me at the same time.  He hurts when I hurt and wants to take that hurt away.  I felt instantly at peace.  I wish I could have held onto that peace for longer than I did because just minutes after I realized I had it, I felt anxious again.  Thankfully the situation was resolved and so not worth the anxiety I had felt earlier in the day.

Here's a youtube of Kim Walker's How He Loves 

Fire

Fire

I sat in prayer the other day with a dear sister pleading for loved ones and ourselves for many reasons.  One reason was for healing for the both of us.  At the time it seemed rather silly to be praying as we were…well not really, but looking back somewhat…it was so child-like to me the way we were praying, yeah that’s it.  We were praying in our child-like understanding for healing to come in ways that seemed silly.  But it really wasn’t silly.  OK I’ll get to the point ;-). 

We are going for massages soon and both are really excited about it. We both desperately need it so our prayer was for the massage to be God’s vessel in our healing.  She prayed that the hands of the massage therapist would be healing hands (among other things that slip my mind at the moment); I prayed fire through those hands.  Right as I was saying it though it seemed silly, that God would work through their hands into our bodies as fire.  As fire burns away the dross may their hands burn away the pain in our bodies.  I’m expecting big things from this massage.

As today has worn on though, I’m wondering if God meant more from that prayer for our bodies than we had imagined.  I’m sitting here at my kitchen table and was minding my own business when a song popped into my head.  I originally thought it a random song as sometimes happens, yet as I’ve thought on the lyrics I’m not so sure.  You see, today I’ve been dealing with a lot of crud.  Different darts that the enemy has thrown at me have hit and nearly caused a world of hurt.  The song? Disciple’s “Draw the Line”.  The lyrics are just so on it…just right on for me today.  Well the me that chooses to “Draw the Line”.

This is the interesting part.  The song talks of drawing a line, that this is where the old man dies and goes no more.  Throughout the song there is talk of failure and how much the singer has messed up.  These very thoughts have pervaded my whole today, tried to leave me incapacitated for any good or wise purpose today.  I refused to give in though, at least physically.  Mentally, however, I’m sure the enemy felt he had me pretty beat.  Well, sir…This is where I draw the line.

I refuse to let Satan take over in such a fashion.  I refuse to be taken in by the lies of not being good enough, pretty enough, or enough of any other thing.  I choose to let my King and Defender fight my battles and I draw the line.  The old me dies, the new me (created in God’s image) will rise.

Oh, I didn’t even get to the fire part of the song to relate what we had prayed just days ago!  Further in the song he sings of burning up, to set him on fire and burn him up!  What does fire do? Duh, it burns, but it burns the dross away so that the reflection of the Creator can be better seen in the final product.

Burn me up Lord, set me on fire, burn me all the way!

Draw the Line

Another crash, another fall, another failure
Another choice I don't want to remember
Been here too many times
Every day's another fight
I'm at war with the person I could be
Give me a chance and I'll mess up a good thing
But this is where it ends
Yeah, this is where it ends

chorus:
This is where I draw the line
This is the where the old me dies
Light a match, let it burn, kiss it goodbye,
Giving up what I was
This is where I draw the line

(whoa)

Another battle I've lost fighting solo
How many times must I learn what I already know?
Can't do this on my own
I wasn't meant to fight alone
So I'm lifting my hands in surrender
Take my faults and my flaws, make me better
Cause this is where I end: right where You begin


(chorus)

Whoa, whoa,
Set me on fire,
Set me on fire,

Burn me up, burn me up, burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You
Burn me up, burn me up, burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You

Set me on fire, cuz'...

This is where I draw the line
This is the where the old me dies
Light a match, let it burn, kiss it goodbye,
Giving up what I was
This is where I draw the line

Burn me up, burn me up,
Burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You
Burn me up, burn me up,
Burn me all the way,
Til there's nothing left but You

This is where I draw the line

Holy Moly!

It's been five months since I posted here!  That is just NOT OK! So here's a tidbit, a little of what God is doing ;-).  I know it's not much, however, it is where God has me and I'm sure you'll enjoy!

Grace...we all do not deserve it, yet we are so freely given it.  This past weekend I had the pleasure of learning grace first hand.  A situation came up where I failed someone and I felt horrible.  I felt I had let them down and that they were very upset with me, even though I knew that wasn't the case.  Needless to say I was upset with myself.  Normally, I would begin beating myself up at this point, yet because of the God that I serve I have been learning how to overcome that battle.  This time I began to search out the truth.  The truth was I had let someone down, I failed.  However, the truth was also that while this person was probably upset, they understood - life happens and people forget things!

Thankfully this happened on a Sunday and it happened before worship started.  I had already planned on spending some time studying before church service started, yet the worship is what got me.  As I was worshiping I was still pondering (OK, dwelling) on the previous situation.

"What would have happened if the tables were turned, if they were to have brought the item yet forgot?" I heard the Lord ask me.  "I would tell them it was no big deal!  To not worry about it at all!"  "Why do you have grace enough for everyone else but you?"  That statement spoke right to the matter at hand.

I found that I have grace galore for others and absolutely none for myself.  That was huge.

Why is it that we can have so much grace for those around us but have none for ourselves?  I'm sure there are many reasons and I have my own theories in regards to my own situation, yet the fact remains that while we were still sinners Christ died for us and His Father extended grace that was undeserved.

How much more grace should we extend to each other...including ourselves.

Brides

Here I go again with the brutal honesty...but I won't jump into that just now.  I'm currently in the process of reading about 10 books (give or take) and one of them is called, "Common Mistakes Singles Make" by Mary S. Whelchel.  A phenomenal read for the single and married alike.  Her premise is that many singles are making mistakes (and many marrieds make mistakes about singles as well).  What struck me is a section titled, "We panic over the scarcity of Christian men".  This is something that I had thought about, yet after much reading (in this and other books) I've realized that may not be the problem at hand...but that's for another blog ;-).  This post was meant for something greater.  And actually has changed faces at least once...blogspot has a new system and while I thought I had saved my work it proved that I didn't :-(.  So, here's the latest and greatest.  When reading this section it hit me that we are the bride of Christ.  That we should seek Him out before, BEFORE, we seek out any other relationship.  I know this may seem trivial to some, but for me - a single mom trying to figure out the dating scene - it was huge.  I have got to keep my focus straight on Him and Him alone and trust that He has got His best plans laid out for me.  While I would like to say that this is a no brainer, easy choice, it is not...it is a day by day (sometimes minute by minute!) choice I have to make.  Surely some days are easier than others and thankfully today is one of those easy days ;-)

A new day...

Today is a new day...and with it comes new revelation! I was on my way home today when I came to the realization that in order for me to begin this process of wholeness I've got to admit that there is a problem. Sometimes that means plastering it for the whole world to see, which is what I did. My Facebook status was as follows: I've been found guilty of being chronically insecure...my prayer is that soon I will be found guilty of being chronically healthy". And I posted it so that there was nothing to hide...so people would see that people falter, they're human, and really don't have it all together as it may seem that they do.

After I posted it I got an awesome vision: Imagine a courtroom, I'm the defendant, the Devil is the prosecutor, and God is the Judge. Yup, that same one that most of us have envisioned where the Devil is just persecuting us, naming every wrong thing we've ever done to the One who has the right to judge us rightly. Only this time I was countering, it was my turn to talk...and not out of defending myself (because I already have a Defender) but out of making sure the facts are straight. My counter? Simply put, "You, oh enemy, are the one who placed those there in the first place! Yes, I had the choice and I was making the wrong choices at first, but now that I am aware of just WHO put them there and HOW it has affected me, I give them back, they are NOT mine!"

And what song started playing as I started typing this? My song...the song that God gave me to remind me of just Whose I am...Divine Romance by Phil Wickham. I am His and He is mine...my life is chalk full of divine appointments and the rest of this life is no exception to that!

Hope you enjoy the song ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlsIwmtb0U8&feature=related

Beautiful things

Last week was a beautiful thing. I sat in my room and was met by may Savior in a very real way.

I've had this issue that I've been dealing with for some time. One of those things that you really want to just go away but for some unforeseen reason it won't. For me it wouldn't go away because my vision was skewed. My vision was skewed because I wasn't allowing the Healer to show me how to heal this situation. Once I gave up, fell on my face before His throne, I was able to see more clearly.

I was able to see what was hindering me, able to see the real reason I was hurting, and able to begin another healing process...a process many years in the coming. And how do I plan to accomplish this healing? By asking for prayer. Yes, it is a blind prayer as I am not going to give specific details, however I believe that the Holy Spirit will lead and guide those who are praying for me.

How else? By obeying! And this is where my vulnerability is just going to come out before I have the chance to stop it. I am no longer a coffee drinker and I plan to stay that way for a long, long time. You may be asking, "Why no coffee?" And the simple answer is because He told me not to drink it. The longer answer is because I want Him more than I want the coffee! He is worth more to me than what a little cup of coffee does or doesn't do for me!

On that note...I urge you all to seek Him, ask Him what you should be doing in order to grow deeper with Him...ask Him what may be hindering your growth and be willing to take the answers He gives!

Love and blessings to you all!

What if...

What if instead of getting to the end of ourselves we get to....the end of ourselves? Confused? I was too. But it really is oh so clear. I have found lately that I just can't do it all. I have to ask for help, I have to seek the Lord on matters, and I have to reach out to others. If I continued doing it all by myself I would get to the end of myself, I would burn out and fail miserably.

But, on the flip side, if I get to the end of myself the way that God has designed then I will succeed. I will sail instead of fail and soar to the highest of highs...with the Lord being my strength and shield.

I have issues (those that know and love me know that for certain!) but those issues will not just resolve themselves, and I cannot fix them. I've got to do things God's way, seek Him in all I do, so that those issues become success stories, so I can look back and see what God has taught me instead of seeing failures.

Get your seat belt on tight for this one!

Crazy dream:

It starts out with Susan, Jenna, and me in my room…like we were getting ready for something. Susan then says she smells something funny which reminds me that someone or something had been seriously sick in my room. It was on my bed (pooh) and on the floor by my window (barf…wet barf). I don’t mean to be graphic; I’m just giving the details of my dream ;-). So I say something to the effect of, “Yeah, I’m sorry, the cat got sick and I haven’t cleaned it up yet” (gross, I know…again my apologies). So we leave and Jenna and I are in the car (I think we were at the recreation center working out) when all of a sudden we see another car that has people dressed up as clowns. All of the people were tattooed in some way and two of the people were a couple we knew years ago. At that point Jenna backs her car up, keeping up with them going forward, and we started talking with them. They were shocked to see us, but were pleasant nonetheless and then we go on about our business. Then (you know the fun part about dreams? When you’re all of a sudden in a different ‘scene’ and you don’t know how you got there! That’s what happened at this point) I was at my house and the gross mess was still there, yet there were several things missing. Namely my memory boxes, a nightstand, and a headboard (I don’t even have a head board!). Oh, and I noticed I had a messed up thermostat, which right now works fine. Instantly, I was upset and I didn’t know what to do. So I called Jenna (at this time she was not physically with me) and told her what had happened. After I got off the phone with her I just sobbed at the loss. I could care less about the nightstand and headboard (that I don’t have anyway, lol!) but my heart ached for those memory boxes and what was in them. What importance do they hold? They are mostly Doug. So I sat there, then lay there, a sobbing mess. Until Jenna got there again. I got the feeling that she was rather annoyed with my sobbing and wanting me to just get over it as it was just stuff, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let this go. I remember looking at her and saying, “They even took my headboard! I think I had a headboard…?” and when I went into the room that’s when I saw my mirror filled with dust. As I looked up my ceiling was a mess! There were pictures and sketchings and drawings all over! Mostly the sayings were of the encouraging kind and the pictures were pictures that would have been from before Doug passed away, so seemingly from a memory box (I do not believe that there are pictures in either of the memory boxes I own, but that’s the way my mind wrapped it up!) and when I looked further (in total shock now, more shock than when I was when Doug died!) I saw that they had taken down something on my wall that I had put there, but where I looked in my dream is where my light switch is! I also remember seeing a ceiling fan, which I do not have and I also was together enough to know I had to call the cops. I got the feeling that this happened while I was napping rather than while I was out with Jenna, but I could not get over the fact that I was in the house when it happened (I may have thought that because I was ‘napping’ at the time of the dream…?). I also felt that Doug was there as well, but not in the room so I couldn’t be sure. This again ensued a plethora of sobs, which may have caused Jenna to leave (I don’t do drama either, so I’m not really surprised…I am surprised at the amount of emotion I put into this dream though!) and then Doug was there. I was still so upset, I explained everything to him while in the kitchen (in the house I now live in and he’s not ever lived in) when he showed me our skylight (which he must have insisted upon because I currently do not have a skylight anywhere in the house, nor do I plan on putting one in!). The skylight had a sticker on it, one that must have not been there before, and instantly we knew who did the break in…the couple Jenna and I had seen while driving. The sticker was nothing spectacular, just something that they would have put up. All throughout this time I got the feeling that all they wanted to do was help, but they didn’t know what to do or how to help, so they did what they knew. After seeing the sticker and telling Doug about working out and seeing the couple I woke up…very confused at what had just happened. And also checking my room for anything out of place ;-).

Oh my

Where do I begin! For starters, this is a late blog. I gave my word that I would write one blog a week for the entire year and I have failed.

Next would be my search engine...normally Google but this evening for some unexplained reason Google is not working as I believe it should and it is irritating me.

Before that my computer gave me other issues that were mostly not it's fault, but rather operator error (a better term is 'operator ignorance'). I was working on my almost due research paper for a class that I've had issues turning things in on time for some reason or another when all of a sudden things started acting heywire. I credit the fact that I was trying to read a document and couldn't open it so I downloaded what I thought would be a safe download to decipher the document so I could read it. Well, lesson learned.

Before that was goodnews: I only had one test and my research paper due today when I thought I had two tests and the research paper.

Before that I had taken a biology test which I failed. Both of my classes have given me a run for my money, but this time I thought I was well prepared for the test and apparently I wasn't. I've since emailed the professor to see if there is anything more I could do to be better prepared for my quizzes in that particular class.

Before that I was bombarded with the thought that I had to try and get two tests and a research paper done today.

And before that I was at work trying to figure out how I was going to get everything done that I needed to get done.

Needless to say...I was overwhelmed. OH, I forgot to mention that I have a Bible study tomorrow that I've not yet begun...and my kids need my undivided attention...oi.

What do I learn from this? Where do I go? My initial thought is, "If only Doug were still here" quickly followed by, "If only SOMEONE were here". But would having a spouse really solve all my problems or just add to them? Sure, I'd have someone physically here to help with the house, the kids, the work, etc...but then a whole slew of other things could come out of it if it is not in HIS timing! So, I can't go there.

The obvious answer is that I go to the Lord. I lay it all down at His feet and recognize that somewhere along the way, I messed up. I know where I did and that's between the Lord and I, and now I get to repent, dust myself off, and allow Him to pick me back up.

Now, if you'll excuse me a certain 11 year old is waiting patiently for me to come join him in a movie so good he wants to watch it a second time while I watch it for the first time ;-)

Thoughts from a broken heart

Today would have been Doug's 42nd birthday. You will be happy that I went to work and all was well. Until I started the drive home. I totally lost it...this is the third birthday that he's not been here and it does not get any easier. I was so angry, just so not understanding why it had to happen at all! How things would be so much easier with him here!

This road started after I heard a gentleman call in on the radio. They were talking about how the female of the show got a Valentine text from her dad and how most girls are still their dad's Valentines even well after their daughter's have grown up. This particular dad called in and said that he's been 'gloriously destroyed' by his daughter, that it's almost as if God says to girls when they are born that they have their daddy's wrapped around their fingers (paraphrased that last bit ;-) ).

That statement of being 'gloriously destroyed' got me thinking...have I been gloriously destroyed? Has every person who's loved one has passed away been gloriously destroyed? I pray that I have been! That all that I am going through is simply to bring Him glory! Does it mean I like the journey? Not every day, like today I really do not like this journey. But does it give me hope? Yes it does!

I didn't come to this conclusion right away though...actually to be honest I've just come back from a self thrown pity party where I was the only attender. It wasn't until after I pulled myself up, shook myself off and started doing what my Father has called me to do (write) that I came to the conclusion of this journey bringing me hope. Before sitting down to write this I was laying down and just not wanting to get up...the reason for laying down was OK (went to bed way too late last night and I needed rest!), but staying down wasn't. When we stay down past the time the Lord gives us to rest we lose ourselves within ourselves.

I find it funny that He has much to say about isolation. Proverbs 18:1, for example, says, "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment"...hmmm. And confirmation of this came when I started perusing Facebook as I was getting up...friend after friend had something to say about relationships; starting with a good friend quoting Casey Treat as saying, "Relationships are hard-but without love they are doomed to fail. Choose to love because it's not just a feeling" - hit me right good! Yes, relationships are hard! But if we live by what Proverbs 18:1 says we will fight for those relationships that we do have and be thankful for the ones we once had but are no longer able to continue.

Another friend totally went down the Proverbs 18:1 path saying, "Isolation ALWAYS ends in defeat! This whole "ME & JESUS" theology must die! We NEED others!" (Gabriel Burr, Facebook status). This was followed by others who agreed wholeheartedly that we need others, both to build up and build us up, to help lead down the right path, to pray for and love one another!

The moral of the story? I cannot do this alone. I cannot walk this journey without others along the way holding me up, praying and encouraging me to continue to keep the faith, to hold out for the hope He has waiting for me! That being said, prayer is always welcome; a specific request would simply be that I lean more and more into Him and lean not on my own understanding, that He would continue to show His faithfulness even when I'm so unfaithful!

Blessings sweet friends!

I'm not alright

I'm sitting here listening to Sanctus Real's 'I'm not alright' and I'm reminded of my first speaking engagement where I took this song and ran with it.

It was the first Christmas after Doug died, the ladies Christmas dinner 2009. I wanted people to know that no, I'm not alright, that I'm broken inside, but that all I go through leads me to Christ (lyrics to the song). Many people asked me, and often over and over again how we were doing. Thankfully I was able to see that they all just love and care about the kids and I. However, my answer routinely became, "We're OK, thank you," when really we were broken inside. I also wanted people to know that our God is bigger than death and that even though we were broken inside we would be alright.

Two weeks

It dawned on me today that two weeks from today would be Doug's 42nd birthday. Yup. 42. With that thought came others; the main one being, "What are we going to do?". I really have no purpose to this blog today other than to state the obvious of the coming day...well that and state my choice.

Choice number one: Stay in bed pretending the day never happened. Yeah, right! With two kids, work, and school that is NOT AN OPTION!

Choice number two: Deny the day's existence. Also not an option as I live in the reality of this world.

Choice number three: Accept the day's existence, but treat everyone around me as if they should cater to my every need and pitch a fit if I don't get my way. Getting closer, but still not there. Just because I am experiencing what could potentially be a bad day does not give me the right to be angry at everyone around me. Last year I took February 15th off and the reason I gave was for the safety of those around me. Good reason as I could not guarantee anything that came out of my mouth that day, however I realize that I cannot continue like that. At some point I've got to realize that there are going to be bad days and I've got to deal with them as they come and thankfully I know I am not alone!

Choice number four: Accept the day as it is: a gift from my Father in heaven. Give Him that day knowing that He's got it all under control. Go on with life as usually, embracing that it is Doug's 42nd birthday, as well as a normal day in the Wilcox household.

My choice? Choice number four, with prayer, trembling, and a bit of excitement. Prayer because I know I can do this if I give it to Him in prayer; trembling because I am human and I don't want to disappoint my Father; and excitement because every other important day since Doug's home-going has been filled with something from above! I've gotten beautiful sunrises when previous days were horrible, thoughtful cards from friends, not to mention all the little prayers He answers!

So, I guess I have another reason for this post: In your most trying times, most unforgiving days, what do you choose to do? An ostrich may miss the storm going on around them with their head in the sand...but they also may miss the rainbow after the storm.

Full Circle

First of all I apologize that I am playing catch up in my blogs...I know I said one a week and for the lateness of this blog I am truly sorry! Phew! Conscience now clear!

Now on to the meat of the matter. Last week I was given the privilege of going back to the sunrise (4 am to about 8 am) shift at UPS. Let me back up a bit. When Doug died I asked if I could go home early to get my kids off to school. Where I was at they couldn't let me, but they moved me to an area that would allow that and then (after I told them that I didn't need to leave early anymore) they moved me to another area that I really did not want to be in. I loved the people, but it wasn't what I wanted to be doing. Then last May my kids asked that I see about switching to the day-shift (11 am to about 3 pm) so that I could be home with them in the mornings. I was hesitant but looked into it. I prayed about it, as did the kids, and two weeks after putting in for it I was transferred. I was so grateful that they were able to have a spot for me there. However, I missed the sunrise shift, specifically where I had started at in the first place.

Over the next few months things just seemed to get worse and worse on the day-shift. Nothing horrible, I was just finding that I did not enjoy going to work and my countenance had changed in regards to work. But I didn't realize it until after I worked double shifts over the month of December (UPS peak season) with those that I had worked with when I first started there. I saw that I loved it, that I really enjoyed them and the work was steady. The thoughts of going back to that area and that shift began to take residence within my days and finally I asked the supervisors if I could come back, if they would have a spot for me. They said they would find a place for me. I then talked to my kids about it and put in the necessary paperwork to be transferred back. The kids were mixed about it: Joey was initially upset and then warmed to the idea; Lizzie was game, I really don't think she really had an opinion about what shift I worked!

Then was the waiting game. I waited and asked what was going on and waited some more. Only after Joey (who, remember, was not really wanting me to go back!) prayed that I get transferred did I get transferred! And, as stated on another post, it happened after I was so just ugly!

So, it's been almost two weeks since I got transferred, and I love work again! All last week that is the one thing that I noticed...that I LOVED work. But that's not what this is about. It's about full circle. That can mean many things, I'm sure. But for me it means that I have come full circle. I started out in that area, with people that I love to be around doing work that isn't hard, but isn't easy either. Then I got moved around after Doug died. And now I am back. Doug's death has represented so many things and in this instance it's like a road. During the time I was away was like those bumpy times after he died, finally ending with me in tears on my knees! Only when I was ready to get healed and get on my knees did peace come. Peace in both my personal and work lives.

Am I there yet? Have I been healed? Honestly I'm really not sure, yet I know that I am well on the path to ultimate healing and I am learning how to get there!

Blah!

Today...Oh, today. Today was a curl back up in bed with a good book and forget today ever happened kind of day! But, curling back up in bed wishing for the day to blow over just wasn't going to happen. I still had to go to work, get the kids to piano, and try to fit some school work in. Life had to go on.

Today I knew was going to be rough, right from the start. I got up, got the kids to band, came home and sunk to my knees. I've been reading a book lately that has been such a good read, and so eye opening. It's called, "Ordering Your Private World", by Gordon Macdonald. His main point is that so many people get burnt out because they are not taking the quiet time they need to order their private world. As I was on my knees I was reminded of the words in his book that basically say, "if I am not taking the time I need to in my private world, my public world will crash down, I will get burnt out!" and that's what I was feeling. I felt as if I had 15 thousand things to do and I was the only one to do them and they all had to be done TODAY! In reality I only had a few things that all seemed to be happening at once and something had to give.

My prayer was a simple one: Lord, I need you this day to take over. I cannot do this. And honestly, going to the sunrise shift would make things so much easier!" Before I delve into my woes, I'll back up. I realized over the holidays that I LOVED the sunrise shift and I wanted to go back. I loved having work done by 9 am and have my whole day ahead of me for whatever may come up (kids, life, school, whatever!). I also realized that my own schooling seemed to go so much better when I was on that shift. So about two weeks ago I put in for a transfer back to that shift and two days ago my son started praying me back into that shift! (Oh the power of a child's prayer!) Here was the list of the 'to-do today': Band (7:30 am), come and study (if I had time), be back at the school for my daughter's class (they had something going on that she had requested I come to and I knew that it would make her feel special if I came), go to work, come home, take kids to piano, and then sleep. I was doing so good until the work part came.

I got to work and then got a text that a family member was in the hospital. I said a quick prayer, sent out prayer requests and then learned that the only other girl in my area called in...which meant that someone else would be doing her job and not his own, which in turn can make it hard for me. My attitude went downhill fast. I would stop every so often and say a quick prayer, realizing that I was being a brat, that my flesh was totally trying to win out! But it wasn't until I sent out an update on my family member and asked my prayer partners to pray for myself that things really started changing. Within minutes break was called at work and I was able to sit and cry out to the Lord (Yes, it is OK to cry at UPS, I've done it!) all but begging for His help! I also got reassuring texts from prayer partners that they were praying for me as well. I was also reminded that "the joy of the Lord is my strength" (Neh. 8:10, my version ;) ).

Ten minutes later break is over and I'm in another trailer loading it up. (For those who do not know, I load the freighter trailers at UPS. And not just one in a day, sometimes I'm in up to five throughout my day) A few minutes after being in there the manager of the whole building steps in with someone else. "Alicia, do you still want to go back to sunrise?" he asks. "Yes, I'd go back tomorrow if I could!" His initial reply was a teasing 'no' followed by, "how about Monday?" I quickly stated that Monday was perfect and I would get a hold of the supervisor for that shift. After he left I simply cried again. This time out of humility. I felt so humbled! Even after I had poured out all my ugliness to the Lord He still blessed it! Our God is so good to us, so faithful even when we are faithless!

I promptly called my son's school to get a note to him that our prayer had been answered as well as just thank the Lord for His goodness!

That time of year again!

That's right all, accountability time! OK, most refer to it as New Year's Resolutions, but this year I chose to call it "accountability". That's what we really mean isn't it? Those 'resolutions' don't stay that way for long and are often forgotten by February...however, accountability has a different tone to it.

By definition accountability is "the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable" (just for laughs the next definition has to do with schools, HA!). Resolution, on the other hand, is "a formal expression of opinion or intention made". Hm. So it seems that accountability has to do with the outward and resolution has to do with the inward. Maybe. Where am I going you ask? We ask someone to hold us accountable in something; we state a resolution but if we are not held accountable to it by an outside force (whether it be God or man) we fail. I know I have failed with resolutions! I've even failed somewhat at being held accountable. However, whenever someone holds me accountable to something I've resolved to do I have that conviction that comes and I try to quickly correct myself. I also know that when I know someone is watching almost my every move, I behave better ;).

All that being said, here is one of this year's resolutions that I hope y'all will hold me accountable for: writing a new blog entry every week. That is the big one. I have other small things that the Lord is asking me to do, but this was the big one! Now, I may not leave an entry here, so you may have to watch my facebook for other entries, but rest assured all...I will write!

Ponderings

The last few days I have been pondering...just pondering. I've been thinking of the Christmas season, now done and gone, and how this year seemed so different from the previous two.

Two years ago was the first Christmas after Doug's passing and so hard, yet good. We had family staying with us at the time and it was as perfect as we could get at that moment...perfect for us was unattainable, but we were close.

The following year was still hard, but a different hard. We had moved by then, so we were creating a new normal for the season. Our family now lives across the street from us and they were there when we put the decorations on as I didn't think we could do it alone.

This year, though, was even more different. This year we had gone to my sister's in Montana for Thanksgiving, something we hadn't done in years and I so needed my sister. But that meant that we would be out of town the day after Thanksgiving, which was when we usually put up our tree. By the time we got home it was late and the next day was back to life as we knew it. The weeks went by and still no tree nor was there any form of decorations up until my brother from across the street put up our lights. I had even contemplated not doing a tree at all this year because I just didn't want to deal with all the hassle of it!

The kids won out though and we put up our tree on Christmas Eve. We had all of six ornaments on it, but it was up (thankfully we have a fake tree!). As I've thought about it I've wondered why I didn't want to deal with it and the answer was simple...another 'thing' that I would be doing alone. No spouse to help put up, decorate, and take down. No one (seemingly) to enjoy it with. It had become just another reminder to me that I am physically alone on this earth.

Notice I said physically alone. I said it that way because I know that I am not alone, He's just unseen. Through this weird season He is by my side reminding me that I can do this, that with Him I can do anything!

Which brings me to today and my ponderings. I've realized that slowly but surely reminders of my sweet Dougie are going away. In the beginning it was the little things that I noticed: shoes not being in the way, socks not being on the floor, etc... As time went on bigger things such as him not being here to fix the car, help with the kids, help with Christmas, etc... I don't think it gets much bigger than the most recent finding: his work. I drive past his work every week to go to church, sometimes twice if it's a group night, and recently I noticed the name has been changed. At that moment I had a choice: hole up and cry (ummm, not while driving), or accept this and give it to the Lord. I chose the latter.

Sometimes it is hard to accept change and move on. Sometimes change comes at us whether we want it to or not. I would much rather have my Dougie here with me, but I know that because there was a change, I have a choice. Everyday we have choices, it's what we do with those choices that determines the outcome of our days! Do I hope that there won't be any more change regarding Doug? Yup. Do I realize that living in my own Utopia is dangerous? Oh yeah. Will I choose the right path when another change (in respect to Doug) comes? I hope so!