Thursday, January 27, 2011

I woke up one morning and realized all was so different. Just the day before I had a husband, a complete family and pretty complete joy. Now, all those are seemingly shattered. I don't have a physical husband anymore; my family isn't my idea of complete; and I struggle every day for true joy.
Today I reflect on many things. I try not to take as much for granted and live every day that I can...but the fact remains that I am physically alone. The voices come and come hard, yelling sometimes that I am alone and there is no one here to protect me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity or a hand-out. What I want is a companion in this journey called life. My companion was stolen and my dreams of him remind me of that fact.
I want someone to come do the "daddy jobs"...yes, the disgusting clean up jobs that NO ONE in their right mind would voluntarily do...but they have to be done. I want someone to watch movies with while I do my nails...not a movie that has ANY ANIMATION in it what-so-ever! I want someone to talk about my day with at the end of my day, to listen to their day and cry on their shoulder.
I don't want to be all walled up as if nothing is wrong. I don't want to be the only one responsible any more...I wanna say yes to all the candy for once! (for the kids ;-)) I don't want to be jaded, bitter or unresponsive.
I want someone to bake for (other than myself!). I want to enjoy someone's talents. I want to be challenged in a relationship. I want to be important and loved.
I'm not writing this for response, nor really for anyone's eyes but mine and the Lords. I am writing this so that I give place to the process in my head, without giving the voices place in my life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Choices...

CHOICES

We all have choices. I know that I have spoken on this subject before, but it is ever present! WE HAVE CHOICES! In our everyday lives we have choices; we choose to get up or stay in bed, to eat breakfast or not, to get offended and hurt…or not. Most recently I have made some trips where I have felt more than ever the importance of my choices. The world says that we have the right to “have a bad day” when our coffee spills, the fish tank filter won’t fit right and the hose leading to the fish tank sprays all over you. Yes, these events did happen, all in one day, and the sad part is I asked my seven year old daughter if I could say that I’ve had a bad day! What am I teaching her?!! That when bad circumstances happen I can chalk it up to a “bad day”? NO! That’s not right! Thankfully I recognized the pattern I could have set into motion and told her (after the hose sprayed all over myself!) that I would be going to take a shower and then spend some time in prayer; yes I had a bad day, thankfully I choose to give it to my heavenly Father to take over.

Well what do you do when life hands you lemons? Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers! What do your lemons look like? My lemons don’t look like yours and I’m sure your lemons don’t look like mine, but the outcome should always be the same…right choices. We are given “lemons” (and by lemons I mean the bad days in our lives [you know, the car won’t start, the coffee got burnt and the dog ran out the door and down the street!]) either as testing by the Father or by the enemy of our soul to try and thwart our advances for the kingdom. Now, thankfully I wasn’t sold into slavery, however I look at Joseph’s live and ask, “What can I learn from him?” What can we learn? We can learn patience. He was put in a pit for a period of time; then sold to the Egyptians as a slave in Potiphar’s house until Potiphar’s wife came after him and he was put in prison. THEN he sat. While in prison he interpreted dreams for the butler and baker. Both of the interpretations of the dreams came true yet the butler forgot about Joseph. TWO FULL YEARS LATER Pharaoh had dreams AND THEN the butler remembered Joseph in prison! I know that I would totally be dwelling on the fact that I was wronged and put in prison for no reason! Yet we aren’t shown that; we’re shown that Joseph was patient and waited upon the Lord. It was through the Pharaoh’s dreams that Joseph was finally freed and the restoration process was beginning.

We can learn forgiveness. Alright, alright…yes I went there! It is when we are in un-forgiveness that bitterness can take root. God didn’t just forgive the sins that He deemed worthy of forgiveness, He forgave them all at the cross! So why is it that we think we can hold a grudge against someone who may have wronged us? Josephs’ brothers threw him in a pit and sold him into slavery! And we aren’t shown one iota of bitterness from Joseph toward his brothers. We would see it when his brother’s came for food during the famine. He wasn’t exactly honest with them, yet he still sold them food. He tested them to see where they stood. He wanted to be with them, yet was apprehensive and understandably so! I believe this is what the Lord asks of us…not to be doormats and take what others dish out, yet to test the waters so-to-speak and see where things stand. At this time the brother’s realized what had happened, that they were suffering for what they had done with Joseph, but they did not know it was him that they were bowing to. Joseph wept for the situation and what I feel is a realization that God is there and is a restoring God! The Lord is our everything-even a restorer of things once lost.

We can learn restoration. Joseph was the favored one in his house and for that he was taken. He was sold into slavery, brought up and then put in prison and forgotten about. He was then taken into Pharaoh’s house and promoted yet again; this man Joseph had the favor of God all over him for everywhere Joseph went he was promoted! Then his family was brought to him due to famine in the land. He didn’t just jump right into their arms, he tested them as he felt the Lord leading and once he felt it was safe to do so he revealed who he was and was restored to his family.

I tend to think that I’ve got it pretty hard sometimes, that God has left me out in the wilderness to figure things out, yet that is a lie. God is with us and for us. He brings us to places where we HAVE to say, “OK God, you got this cuz I sure don’t!” and it’s at those places where He can minister most to us. It’s at the places where all we have is up that He comes in and takes over, as long as we relinquish the control! And I’ll openly admit that letting go is hard! I tell Him often that this road is hard and I really, REALLY, don’t like it, but I am willing to walk it because I know He is with me every step of the way.