dreams

I've had many dreams of my Dougie...this one takes the cake, well almost ;-). I'm laying in bed still as it's my bday and thought that I had better write this one down...so here it is. All I remember is that I was at our new house (sort of) and the Berthoud's were there as were many other people trying to help us clean it up I think (it was our new house, but for some reason it needed a LOT of work done to it, mainly outside). I don't even remember how he got there but all of a sudden Doug was there, just like, "hey how's it goin?" and just started working on the fish tanks. I think it's funny because just yesterday I finished the turtle tank and instead of FREAKING OUT in my dream I wanted to show him how proud I was of it and in his typical Dougness he was like, "yeah good job" all nonchalant like ;-). After that he just went to town on getting the other tanks in the house fixed, cuz they were NAAAASTY! But all while he was fixing them (with Jareb's help) I was in unbelief. Now this wasn't just a dream to me, while in my dream I really thought it was real, I thought that this was reality and reality was the dream and typically when I've had those dreams I've woken up in tears. Not this time, even though I REALLY thought it was real somehow I knew it wasn't. Anyway, I ended up pulling Jareb aside and asking him if I was dreaming or if he was seeing Doug too. He told me that he saw him as well and was in unbelief just as I was. I finally pulled up enough courage to pull Doug aside, ask him to stop for a moment and just hug him. That's all I wanted was to hug him. Then I was all exited and had to tell EVERYONE that was there! I pulled Jenna up from the basement, as well as two ladies she was showing the house too, and told her I had a surprise for her. When she saw him though it was as if she was in unbelief as well. I introduced him to the ladies as my husband who had passed away in July! Then we all went outside and hung out. While we were just hanging out I remember all different people helping clean up our yard, people from work, people from distant family, yadda yadda yadda. And Doug was doing his normal thing of pointing out all the things that were really cool, like a fountain that someone had made. What was really weird is that while we were sitting there I remember thinking about finances! I remember thinking, "well his SSN is no longer good because he's 'dead', and that helps with the kids benefits, they'll still get them," and then I also remember thinking this, "I can get my ring! I can get his ring! Wait, do we have to get remarried? OH YAY! I can have the wedding of my dreams now!" God is so good, this my birthday and He gives me a dream of my beloved, a dream where he's taking care of me and holding me...

New things

I sit here in the midst of new things going on all around me...moving into a new home, new experiences of things I've never done and just all around new times. I've learned that drains do get plugged, dogs do eat paper and kids will be kids. I'll be the first to admit that this road hasn't been easy...isn't there supposed to be someone to take care of the drain, the dog and help with the kids? Under normal circumstances yes there is...and God has challenged me, pushed me seemingly beyond my limits. I thought this weekend that I saw the limits go out the window of a car I was traveling 60 mph in...I even sat in front of my bedroom door (it has no handle right now) so that I could gather my thoughts uninterrupted. And my thoughts continue to plague me...

Yet even though I want to scream into the wind just about everyday I have this knowing that He is ever near, ever present and ready to take on anyone who would try to come against me.

Oh how I wish things were different, that I did have an earthly husband to take care of the drain, the dog and play with the kids...but more than that I want Him. I want His approval, His eyes ever on me, His love pouring over me. And the amazing thing is that He is all of that and so much more.

On a more different tone the kids and I have gone to a counselor, mainly for me to get a professionals opinions regarding them. I'm so glad that we've gone. I have felt so reassured in how I've been talking to them and handling all this that has been place with us. We're going for our third and final session Wednesday which I'm both happy and sad - she's a neat lady!

Other than that...nothing's real new here, kids go back to school tomorrow, I stay on the same schedule and God's still on the throne ;-)