Again?

My heart hurts...again.

Over the last few days I have pondered many things about the Holidays.  This is the fourth Holiday season without Doug and sadly it really hasn't gotten any easier.  In fact, I think I've just gotten better at covering up what's going on inside.

The first Christmas we were blessed to have our sweet friends the Berthoud's living with us, along with the Jones'.  Having them there helped to cushion the blows of being without Doug.  The kids got their socks blessed off by the Workman's Comp Fund and we made the best of it.  I wonder, though, if all the presents were just a distraction keeping us from dealing with the hurt and pain inside of all of us.

The next year we were all in new (and separate) homes.  This brought on a new type of pain, a pain of us realizing we were moving on without him.  The Berthoud's lived right across the street and came over when we put our tree up...the tree was a new tradition as well.  It was a fake one...maybe somewhat describing myself at that point in time - fake because I was hiding what was really going on inside from everyone including myself.  They helped us decorate and supported us in another time that we needed Jesus with flesh on...they really are the only ones who've seen us all at our worst and love and support us along the way of this healing road.

The third year I decided that we were healed enough to put our own decorations up without anyone for us to crutch on.  I KNOW that they would have been there in a heartbeat if I had asked, they always are.  Yet I also knew that if we didn't just rip the band-aid off, so-to-speak, we never would.  I've always been that way, I'd just rather deal with all the pain that ripping that band-aid off will yield than a festering band-aid that just annoys me.  We did good...we laughed, we cried, and we got it all up.

This year is really no different than last year.  Well, yes it is.  What I forgot to mention is that last year we went up to Montana to be with my sister for Thanksgiving and by the time we got back I didn't even really want to put the tree up because I was so busy with school and work.  But we did...just as we did again this year.  I think we even did better this year in our dealing with Doug not being here.  Yes, we cried.  Yes, I dealt with stubborn preteen emotions.  Yes, we got the tree up and it's gorgeous.

However, this year is different.  There have been many times where I've just thought, "Oh, how I wish Doug were here!"  Who doesn't want that extra shoulder to cry on?  Who doesn't want someone to shop with for the kids?  Who doesn't want someone to just help?  I have had my moments of crying out to the Lord because of different situations that I feel no one else would understand.  This year I shopped for the kids with the kids (I don't recommend it with 9 and 11 year olds!).  And this year I've also gotten phone calls about mice in the house (Joey's a good mouser, haha!), heard many a 's/he's picking on me!' and ran into a tree...all things I would love to have a helpmate for!

Again, though, I'm reminded that I have not been chosen to walk this road for no reason...He has always had a plan for this and every part of my life.  Just this morning I heard of another brother in the Lord who has gone on to be with Jesus...which is why my heart hurts again.  I read all the posts to his beloved wife and I'm almost immediately brought back to July 17, 2009.  I read all the well wishes, condolences and her broken heart and I hurt for her, with her.

So this post is two-fold: one for me to pour my heart out yet again and two for those who may read this that may be like most of the world in not knowing how to help someone who is going through the death of a spouse (the death of any one close really).  First: Give space.  Let them know that you are there if they want someone to talk to, yet don't be the one who is coming up frequently asking if they are OK, especially if you are not really close to them.  The honest answer to "are you OK?" is, "Well, what do you think? I just lost my spouse! Of course I'm not OK!"  Second: Give time.  Everyone grieves in their own way.  Some shut down and are 'ready' to move on right away; others take years to fully process what has happened.  There is no formula for when grief is done...really grief is going to be a part of their lives for the rest of their lives because there will always be something to remind them of their loved one.  Third: Give grace.  This is a touchy time.  Emotions are high and sometimes volatile toward those around them.  Please know that they are not themselves, they are just walking through the stages of grief and much grace may be needed.  Fourth: Give prayer.  They need it. Pray for peace, for comfort, for love, for some understanding, and for His will to be made alive in them.

If you are close, remain close if you can...if you can't do that well, it may be best if you took a backseat.  I was blessed with some amazing friends who have been through it all with me...one who has never been through what I have (and I pray she never does) yet she cries with me just as if it were her instead of me.  If you are not close and wonder what you could do, well, read the list above and if nothing else just pray for them!  Sometimes those who are close become distant and those who are distant become close.  God knows who we need in our lives and will place each of us in the right places at just the right time.  One of the finest gifts I got in the beginning of my grief walk was a friend who had waited to say anything because he and his wife knew what I was going through...yet at just the right time he sent an encouraging word letting me know that they were there if I ever needed anything.  (They knew my walk because they had lost a child in a fatal accident just a few years prior to Doug's death)

I pray that if this beloved sister reads this that she will be comforted both by these words and our heavenly Father who knew that this would happen and is holding her together when she feels that she is falling a part.  And I pray that you who read this and don't know what to do around those who are grieving gain a little insight into those who are.

Redeemed

I was sitting minding my own business the other day when a great song came on...as you may or may not remember God speaks to me through songs many times and this was no exception.  The song was Jason Gray's Remind Me Who I Am and the premise is us asking God to remind us who we are when we are low.

I've heard this song quite a bit but when I listened this time I heard the lyrics for what seemed like the first time...take a read:

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places
When I cant remember what grace is

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home
Remind me who I am
When I can't receive Your love
Afraid I'll never be enough
Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved can You help me believe it

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You
To You

I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love
That will be enough, I'm the one You love

Tell me, once again
Who I am to you, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to you, that I belong to You

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You
To You

I have loved this song since I first heard it on the radio, but it wasn't until this latest listen that I heard, "I'm the one you love, I'm the one you love, That will be enough, I'm the one you love".  Now hold your spot here for a minute while I tell you of another song that I heard this morning.

I was at work stewing over a situation that I really didn't need to be stewing over.  I had to do something that I REALLY did not want to do but knew that I needed to and I was getting anxious over it.  I quickly flipped on my praise on Pandora to help me as I quietly prayed about what I needed to do.  It was evident that something was the matter and a few people even asked what was going on and if they could do anything.  My simple reply was, "I've just got a lot on my mind".  After a song or two I heard one of my favorites right now, How He Loves Us. I nearly lost it right in the middle of work...and again got a part of the song that I had never gotten before...He is jealous for me.  

Just as a husband is healthily jealous for his wife, our God is jealous for us.  This does not mean that if a friend is vying for my attention God (as my husband) gets outraged at me, but rather that when an enemy comes and accuses me of things that I have not done He comes to my defense.  He cries with me and comforts me at the same time.  He hurts when I hurt and wants to take that hurt away.  I felt instantly at peace.  I wish I could have held onto that peace for longer than I did because just minutes after I realized I had it, I felt anxious again.  Thankfully the situation was resolved and so not worth the anxiety I had felt earlier in the day.

Here's a youtube of Kim Walker's How He Loves