That's it!

"That's it! I give up!" This loomed deep in the center of my inner being.  I didn't actually say it, but boy did I feel it.  Work has been horrible and really the main cause of my indifference...add to it 'normal' everyday life and there's a recipe for disaster.

The last few weeks have been especially rough...and unfortunately visibly rough (when supervisors bring it to your attention then you know it's bad). I have been with the company for 5 years, enough time to have seniority, yet was being treated like a new-hire...and I did not like it.  I balked and complained wanting to know why I was being asked to due such unskilled work, all the while knowing that I needed to seek the Lord on this, but not wanting to address what was really the issue...my attitude.  I even mentioned to others that I knew that my attitude was the determining factor in the whole situation, I just wasn't willing to lay it down.

Today was no different than any other day at work the last few weeks, except that I had the reason behind why I was being treated as I was (which is of no consequence in this post ;-)) and I had prayed today would be different; that I wouldn't seek out man's answer to this problem (which would have been to balk even more and become the proverbial squeaky wheel) but seek His answer in all this.  I want to jokingly say that God must be still sleeping at 3:30 am because that is not at all how my morning went.  (Let it be known that God does not sleep [Psalm 121:4]; it really is what I decide to do with that prayer, allow Him to work or ignore His prompting) I was asked to do an unskilled job, yet again, but this time I raised my voice saying that I was not the lowest on the seniority list in this area...which was met with opposition, deserved opposition.

Regrettably, how I responded laid the groundwork for the rest of my work morning.  This attitude even bled somewhat into my morning away from work.  Let me back up a minute.  As I was walking out of work I wanted SO BADLY to say something to my full-time supervisor, but I didn't and I believe that is the Holy Spirit right there.  I nearly cried when I got to my car because I was so upset at how the work day had gone, that I was seemingly forgotten yet again...but I made the trek home, bad attitude and all.

I got home and laid down...I was tired and hoped that my bad attitude would be gone with a nap.  I decided to listen to my daily Bible reading before I fell asleep and as it was playing my full-time supervisor called letting me know that I would be in the area that I am trained for, yet I needed to prove myself to my part-time supervisor.  As it turned out that was why I was being moved; not only do I generally work as directed but my part-time supervisor didn't know what to do with me because he saw my lack of effort regarding my work.  I told the full-time supervisor that I would work my tail off to set the record straight.  After I hung up the phone I cried...I had been such a brat and my Father took care of me.  Yes, I still have to work my tail off tomorrow, but I know that things would have turned out differently had I said something to the full-time supervisor before I left.

Which brings me back to my poor attitude that had started months ago.

I should have seen this attitude coming because as I look back I brought it on myself.  I ashamedly admit that I gave up on work, stopped really caring about work, about a month or so ago.  Work has been stressful and hard, supervisors have been just as stressful and hard but that doesn't condone my behavior.  Sadly I think I fell into the trap that seemingly most everyone at work falls into...the "I don't care, just give me my hours, let ME do what I want, and give ME MY paycheck" trap.  I had secretly vowed that I wouldn't succumb to that trap, yet with eyes wide open walked into the world of "it's all about me". Isn't that how the world is run nowadays? Serving the almighty ME? It shouldn't be.

I didn't realize that there was a connection (between what I had said about my work months earlier, the "I just don't care about work" attitude and what was happening to me with my part-time supervisor) until I sat down to write this post.  And the only reason I am doing so is because I noticed something that I thought would be helpful. I did take a nap, but it wasn't the nap that got rid of the attitude.  I saw a picture that reminded me of something I used to say, "Somedays ya just gotta put on your boots and dance anyway..." (my saying was more like, "OK put on the big girl panties and move on!").  I knew what I needed to do...put away the nasty attitude, put on the armor of God and move on with my day! At this point I've decided that I need not leave my room until I have met with my Maker and allowed Him to change me as only He can.

Names

What is in a name?  A name is a valuable asset, it's quite possibly one of the first labels a person is given!  I thought of this as I was writing for my church's blog (this would have been posted there first, however their website wouldn't let me enter it...) and noticed that my name was misspelled!  My name is not a unique name, however it is unique enough for it to be mispronounced by nearly every person I've ever met and don't get me started about spelling!  My name is Alicia (A-lee-sha), not hard at all, but I have been called A-lee-c-a, Al-ica, Allison (don't know why on that one!) and even A-lish-a (probably more than that); and it's been misspelled so many different ways that I can't even remember them all...for me to find my name on the bicycle nameplates they make for kids was a miracle when I was a kid!

What struck me though was just how much my identity rested in the correct spelling of my name...spelled wrong and they mean a different person, not me.  It was a huge issue for me...bigger than I had realized at the moment.

Names are big for God too.  He renamed Abram to Abraham to increase Abraham's faith.  I know many who have changed their names because God had told them too, they are no longer the old person and a name change proves that fact.  For me, I am quite happy with my name...it comes from a form of Alice, my grandmother of whom I resemble very much (from what I've been told).  It means "honest" (I've always thought it meant "truth", yet honest is wonderful as well ;-) ).  For me, to have it misspelled means that the meaning of it could change as well.

This is so not true.  I am who God created me to be, whether or not my name is spelled right!  If anything the misspelling caused me to evaluate, ponder, and enjoy my comfort in Him!

Idleness

I was at work yesterday talking with my supervisor about kids when the subject moved to keeping kids busy.  "Kids need to be kept busy, it's true what they say about 'idle hands' when it comes to kids," he said.  I wholeheartedly agreed with him, because when kids aren't kept active, they get bored and find things to do.  But that statement got me thinking...idle hands...idle minds.  It was like lightning had struck my brain!!  Having an idle mind is just as dangerous, if not more, than having idle hands!!

Webster's dictionary describes idle this way: 1. lacking worth or basis: vain <idle chatter> <idle pleasure> 2. not occupied or employed: a. having no employment: inactive <idle workers> b. not turned to normal or appropriate use <idle farmland> c. not scheduled to compete idle
 tomorrow> 3. a. shiftless, lazy b. having no evident lawful means of support.  I could have left it at one or two of the definitions, yet I wanted the whole idea to get stuck into my own brain and felt it necessary to share it so the whole idea is available.
When I searched 'idle' in a concordance I came up with a grave definition.  Webster's at least gives an idea that 'idle' can be OK sometimes...the Bible has a very different view.

Deuteronomy claims that the law is not idle for the Israelites (Deut. 32:47); Proverbs states that an idle man will starve (Proverbs 19:15); Ecclesiastes encourages work throughout the day (Ecc. 11:6) and continues with something to the effect of workers ceasing because they are not being supervised (12:3, very loose summation there, haha!); and Isaiah and Jeremiah both have their say in idleness, mostly referring to ones empty (idle) boasts.  The list continues into the New Testament, yet stays along the same thread of the harm of being idle.

This was all brought about due to my own bouts with insecurity...a nasty habit that I am earnestly trying to quit.  The lightning that hit me today was that when I allow my mind to be idle I am opening the door to insecurity.  I'm not talking just a little bit, I am talking blowing the door wide open and yelling, "COME ON IN!!"  Insecurity needs no invitation; it willingly comes right in at any opportunity.  But that opportunity comes in droves when I allow my mind to wander aimlessly.

According to 2 Corinthians 10:5, we are to "take every thought captive to obey Christ".  Some might say this is easier said than done...hey I might even be the loudest one to say that!  But it is TRUTH.  If I find myself thinking idly, thoughts that may be an invitation to insecurity or some other destruction, it really is easy to say, "No, I am to take every thought captive to obey Christ, and this is NOT what He has to say about me".  If you're like me you may be thinking, "Like what thoughts?"  Things as simple as, "I wonder what so and so are doing today" if you're given to feeling left out; or "I wonder why my spouse didn't answer their phone" if you're given to not trusting; or even "I wonder why God hasn't answered this prayer, I've done everything right"...see the common thread here?  They are all "I wonder" statements, for me that might as well say, "I wander" because that is what my mind is doing, wandering away from the truth of God's Word.

I may never understand half of the things that I have gone through in my life, but the truth is that I am never alone (Hebrews 13:5), He is my Provider (Genesis 22:14), and my Protector (Isaiah 31:5).  The joy is that all we have to do is rest in the knowledge of Hi Word, the truth.

I did not think that a conversation with my supervisor would provide such insight, but it did for me and I pray that it does the same for those who are reading this...blessings!

Hard things...

So, I was in my laundry room this afternoon when I had a great blog idea...so great that I forgot it, sad face. But have no fear!  I have something else that is equally as great!!

As many may or may not know, last year my best friend and I (along with her husband, our kids, and all willing volunteers!) decided to put grass into our backyards.  It was a great adventure, filled with memories of hard work being paid off with beautiful yards to look at for the rest of the summer.  As summer has quickly approached us (I say 'summer' loosely as it really still is spring, but how can it be spring when it's 80* outside?!!) I realized that my yard was in desperate need of attention.  The front was easy: Rake the dead stuff out of the small landscape, spread weed-n-feed, and water like crazy...raking and weed-n-feed done in a day.  The back has taken me two days of raking and spreading weed-n-feed and I'm still not done!  I could easily get frustrated at the task taking so long, yet it is so much bigger than the front and I'm learning a lot...about myself, life, and yard work.

As I was raking for the second day this morning I found myself grumbling inside my head.  You know the type I'm talking about...the type of grumbling that we don't do aloud because "good Christians" don't grumble or complain, haha!  It went something like this, "Why am I raking?!" "Who can I pay to do this??" (I wouldn't really do that, but I cannot say that the thought didn't cross my mind!) and "Why is this so hard??!!" At the last thought I felt this thought cross my heart, not my mind, "I want my kids to look at me at the end of my life and say, 'My mom wasn't afraid to do the necessary hard things in her life to get things done.' "  WOW.  That spoke so much to me, so much that I quit my quiet grumbles and continued raking because now I had a new mission!

My mission was now to show my children, who had told me earlier that they were watching me, that I am not afraid to do the hard things in life.  And not just yard work.  I want them to know that I am not afraid to do the hard things like raising them alone for these last few years (and who knows how many more), like facing the ugly in my life that most would shrug off and not deal with, or dealing with the issues in my past that, again, most would just let lie 'under the rug' so-to-speak.

God showed me long ago that He never promised an easy road for His children, but rather that His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matthew 11:30).  This has been proven in my life time and time again, and He has never left me when the going got rough.  In this season of my life things are not always easy, I'm going through things that are painful, but through that pain beauty will be found.  After all, raking and getting the dead things out of our lives will produce beauty that's just dying to get out...kind of like the yard full of dead grass - once it's gone the new growth beneath will have a chance to thrive....

Conversations...

I love conversations with my kiddos...they provide such radical insight!  This morning, well just now, I mentioned that Abraham Lincoln was considered depressed (a detail I learned in my psych book ;-)).  My girl asks, "What's depressed?"

"Well, it's where you're sad...a lot," I explained.  That's not the technical definition, however it suffices for the curious 9 year old, and it makes sense to her. I continued with this, "You know when daddy died, and I was in my room...a lot? I was depressed".  Her response floored me.

"You were a ship that sunk," she said.  I couldn't have said it better myself.

When Doug died, my ship had sunk.  And according to her this is how she processes his death as well.  She may not have told me as such, but her thoughts on depression tell me that it is true.

Thankfully, while that ship may have sunk we didn't go down with it.  That life did, but we did not.  We've created a new normal and have begun to move on.  This doesn't mean that we've forgotten that ship either, just as we don't forget actual ships that have sunk we won't forget Doug ;-).