Dear Doug,

(For those wishing to read this it is just a letter to Doug...you may read, but beware that things may sound raw)

I miss you so much...everything about you, yes even your dirty clothes on the floor, your snoring (yes you did snore) and how you'd tickle me til I'd scream. I miss you stealing my sneezes from me, keeping the kids up later than I wanted and how you'd leave traces of you EVERYWHERE. I miss how you'd go to church early, let me sleep in on Saturday mornings and forgive me before I even asked it. I miss how you made me feel like a queen, how you made the kids feel like royalty and how much you'd grown in Him.

So much has changed in the last few months. I've done things I've never thought I'd have to do and soon I'll do more than that. I've learned how to start the motorcycle (soon I'll be riding it), take care of the lawn and make sure the plumbing is running smooth. All things that I thought you'd be doing alongside me. As I've stated the kids went back into public school and I've learned how to make decisions for the three of us, which is weird!

Most recently though we are planning to move. I've told others that had you still been here we wouldn't even think about moving, but it being just the kids and I, I thought it best to move. Really I wanted to move the day you left this earth, but I thought that I had better not make any rash decisions right at that moment. And I'm thankful that we waited. Had we moved it may not have been His will and we would be lost, stuck in an area that we didn't want to live in. Now, though, we have real chance. The Berthoud's have been absolutely amazing. They've bought a place out in Riverton and there just HAPPENS to be a house for sale right across the street from them! Originally we looked into a rental about 6 houses down from them and thought that's what we were doing...until their realtor and I talked and he asked me what I thought about buying a house. Well we started looking into buying that house and then found out the rental wasn't an option. As it stands right now we're waiting to hear from the owner of the house that is for sale. I put an offer on a house! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??!!! I have to admit though, it was weird. The only times I've bought a house has been with you. I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T FAIR LORD!" and I have many a time, fewer and farther between though. I know that God knows what He's doing, that He hasn't left me and that He's only given me what He knows I can handle. But this sure isn't the way that I had thought things would be.

I've come to the place where I still want to tell you absolutely everything...yet at the same time I know that I must move on and that's what you would want for me and the kids: to remember you and the best way to do that is to go on with our lives, not as if you weren't ever a part of it, but as if we are awaiting our reunion with our Father in heaven and you. Thank you for wanting to go and prepare and save a place for us, and for being willing to go. You were always so selfless and giving...I love you...

Thoughts...

Things have been relatively good...we've had our moments, yet things are good. However, the last few days for some reason have been particularly hard, for no real reason, just hard. For example: the other morning I was just driving to work when I heard a song that sent me over the edge, I cried, "LORD! I was having a good day!" I continued to have a good day, yet memories had flooded me at that moment. If I allowed them those memories would take over. I miss him terribly, yet I know that this is the plan that He has for me and the kids.

He's shown me how everyone handles different situations. I look at others and think, "wow, look at what they've gone through". God then reminded me that if He had given them what He had given me, or vice versa, they would fall apart...or I would. I was just amazed at that thought. One, that He trusts me with this and two, that we are so different! If I had one test that another had ALONG WITH what I've been given, I would fail. BUT He is so good that He gives us each a measure that we can handle and through Him we are able to complete the task...

2010

This is a new year, I know, kinda a DUH! But this is huge for me. I feel God is challenging me about 2009. I want so badly to hold on to 2009, it was such a pivotal year! Yet, it's just a year. It has a beginning (REALLY GOOD!), a middle (REALLY SUCKY!) and an end (it was ok). Just like a book.

And this is where the challenge is. Do I just move on as if nothing happened? NO! Doug was too big a part of my life to just do that! (OK, he was just big!) Do I dwell where Doug once was? No, not that either.

God is showing me that, yes, He is a God of yesterday, today and forever. He was there when I welcomed 2009. He was there when I was at the hospital on that fateful day. He was there when I closed the door on 2009. He's here now, as I type this out. He's here holding me up, enabling me to do the everyday things that need to get done and all without FREAKING OUT! He's here when my kids are having a bad day or ask questions about their daddy's passing. And He will continue to be here. He'll be here when Lizzie crowns in Impact Girls Ministry, walking where her daddy would. He'll be here when Joey goes camping for the first time WITHOUT his momma. He'll be here when they graduate, when they find that special someone and when they start families of their own. He'll even be there when that special someone comes into my life.

So as I venture out into this new year know that I still and always will miss my husband TERRIBLY! BUT this is a new year! What would I be missing out on if I lived in 2009?? I don't wanna find out! I wanna find out what 2010 holds for us! I have this hope that there is more than just "being", there's more to this life than being a couch potato allowing my feelings to rule me rather than me rule them!

My prayer is that you, too, will have that same hope. Hope that says, "this situation may stink, but I KNOW that there is something better for me on the other side. AND EVEN IF it doesn't get any better I choose to praise my God for all that I DO have!"

Newness

So I made it through. Christmas was a blur, yet holds so many memories. Joey got his turtle that he's wanted for about 5 years and Lizzie will get her two kitties once we move. I got a Kitchen Aid stand mixer that I've always wanted. We went to brunch with some great friends and then later to a movie.

New Years was fun as well. We spent the evening with another group of great friends. And we all had a blast. I don't think I saw either of my kids for more than five minutes at a time! And everyone there was amazing. I didn't for a minute feel like an outsider, that I didn't belong which has happened to me in times past (by my own fault, nothing anyone else did).

Neither of these days was I too sure about, yet there was nothing I could do to stop them, lol.

The gifts that we got won't replace all that we've lost this passed year and I would be living a lie if I thought that they would. So I'm faced with a dilemma yet again. I can choose to move on or I can choose to stay. So many times I would like to stay, yet what would that fix? Would it bring Doug back? Nope. Would it make me feel better? Nope. Yet I'm sure that many have felt it would do a disservice to move on. That's where I am at, yet I KNOW that Doug would say, (in a very stern voice) "MOVE ON!" I have no ill feelings toward moving on; it hurts and it sucks yet I know that He is with me through this all. I don't think that moving on is a bad thing, that having a new life is harming my old one in any way. And that's what this is...a new life. I'm thankful for the new year, thankful that 2009 is now over and 2010 is a promise of new things to come. 2009 holds so many memories, good and bad, and 2010 holds the possibility of new memories to be made :-)

Love to you all and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!