Thursday, December 31, 2009

Where?

Where is the hope? I've recently found a widow/widowers support site and really enjoy it. I've enjoyed finding people "like me" - those who are where I am at so to speak. However, I am finding just how true His word is. And of course I cannot find exactly which scripture I mean, lol! I'm looking for the one that tells us we are in this world but not of it. Yes, Doug's home going sucks and I miss him terribly, would trade all that I have just to hold him again, yet I do not live there. I've been so blessed to be surrounded by those who love me enough not to leave me where I am at and encourage me along this path in this valley. My hope is in Him and Him alone. Man has failed me, yet my God will never leave me nor forsake me. My new hope is that there can be a Light shined so those who "are like me" can have that same hope...

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas 2009

Well...it's just after noon on Christmas morning...went better than I thought. Kids got totally blessed, I got totally blessed...yet still something wasn't right.

Joey came to me last night as I was uploading my favorite Christmas song to my Ipod. Knowing that I would be blaring it throughout the house come morning it hit him that this Christmas was going to be different...and the tears came. We sat there for a moment and just held each other. All he wanted was his daddy and all I wanted was to give him what I couldn't. Lizzie was fine until we were on our way home from IHOP and we heard Doug's favorite Christmas song on the radio...then the tears came.

I wish I had the answers for them...wish I could give them all that they want, yet I know that I don't and I'm not gonna pretend that I do have all the answers or the ability to give them everything that they want. That's how the Lord deals with us. I imagine that He wants to give us all that we want, yet He knows what is best for us and what we should and/or shouldn't have.

So we've had a good, wet Christmas...pictures to come ;-)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

here I am

Anyone who knows me is possibly thinking, "ABOUT TIME YOU STARTED BLOGGING!!" Well, here I am now. Willing to be obedient in writing.
So what now? What should I blog about first? Maybe just that...firsts. Here's a list of my "firsts"

*Christmas. Yes, first Christmas. This is the first Christmas in 11 years that I am "single" - widowed actually.
*First time being a "single" mom. I've always had him by my side in this.
*First time Christmas shopping without my beloved.

OK you get the idea...now let me fill you in. This last July I became a widow. My husband was a fireplace installer who was a perfectionist in his profession...ultimately his demise. He was installing a fireplace when he noticed two wires needing to be wire nutted together so as to not cause a fire or anything. It was hot that day and even though he was wearing his rubber protective gloves he became the ground for the whole house when he touched the wires. I have had high highs and low lows. That week was one of a blur. I'm only 31 and I had to say goodbye to my 39 year old husband's earthly body.

Our kids have taken it different ways, yet I'm certain because of the Light they see in me they are handling it better than any other kid out there. We all have our moments; moments where we fall apart and moments where we laugh hysterically. And that's what I tell people...laughing or crying, which do you want? They often say laughing.

My hope is that this will be my safe place, a place where I can rant and rave about in-sensitivities of others around me, where I can share the good, the bad and the ugly AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. I'm not looking for solace or comfort from man, I'm looking for safety to say how I feel without others saying boo about MY FEELINGS.