Thoughts from a broken heart

Today would have been Doug's 42nd birthday. You will be happy that I went to work and all was well. Until I started the drive home. I totally lost it...this is the third birthday that he's not been here and it does not get any easier. I was so angry, just so not understanding why it had to happen at all! How things would be so much easier with him here!

This road started after I heard a gentleman call in on the radio. They were talking about how the female of the show got a Valentine text from her dad and how most girls are still their dad's Valentines even well after their daughter's have grown up. This particular dad called in and said that he's been 'gloriously destroyed' by his daughter, that it's almost as if God says to girls when they are born that they have their daddy's wrapped around their fingers (paraphrased that last bit ;-) ).

That statement of being 'gloriously destroyed' got me thinking...have I been gloriously destroyed? Has every person who's loved one has passed away been gloriously destroyed? I pray that I have been! That all that I am going through is simply to bring Him glory! Does it mean I like the journey? Not every day, like today I really do not like this journey. But does it give me hope? Yes it does!

I didn't come to this conclusion right away though...actually to be honest I've just come back from a self thrown pity party where I was the only attender. It wasn't until after I pulled myself up, shook myself off and started doing what my Father has called me to do (write) that I came to the conclusion of this journey bringing me hope. Before sitting down to write this I was laying down and just not wanting to get up...the reason for laying down was OK (went to bed way too late last night and I needed rest!), but staying down wasn't. When we stay down past the time the Lord gives us to rest we lose ourselves within ourselves.

I find it funny that He has much to say about isolation. Proverbs 18:1, for example, says, "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment"...hmmm. And confirmation of this came when I started perusing Facebook as I was getting up...friend after friend had something to say about relationships; starting with a good friend quoting Casey Treat as saying, "Relationships are hard-but without love they are doomed to fail. Choose to love because it's not just a feeling" - hit me right good! Yes, relationships are hard! But if we live by what Proverbs 18:1 says we will fight for those relationships that we do have and be thankful for the ones we once had but are no longer able to continue.

Another friend totally went down the Proverbs 18:1 path saying, "Isolation ALWAYS ends in defeat! This whole "ME & JESUS" theology must die! We NEED others!" (Gabriel Burr, Facebook status). This was followed by others who agreed wholeheartedly that we need others, both to build up and build us up, to help lead down the right path, to pray for and love one another!

The moral of the story? I cannot do this alone. I cannot walk this journey without others along the way holding me up, praying and encouraging me to continue to keep the faith, to hold out for the hope He has waiting for me! That being said, prayer is always welcome; a specific request would simply be that I lean more and more into Him and lean not on my own understanding, that He would continue to show His faithfulness even when I'm so unfaithful!

Blessings sweet friends!

I'm not alright

I'm sitting here listening to Sanctus Real's 'I'm not alright' and I'm reminded of my first speaking engagement where I took this song and ran with it.

It was the first Christmas after Doug died, the ladies Christmas dinner 2009. I wanted people to know that no, I'm not alright, that I'm broken inside, but that all I go through leads me to Christ (lyrics to the song). Many people asked me, and often over and over again how we were doing. Thankfully I was able to see that they all just love and care about the kids and I. However, my answer routinely became, "We're OK, thank you," when really we were broken inside. I also wanted people to know that our God is bigger than death and that even though we were broken inside we would be alright.

Two weeks

It dawned on me today that two weeks from today would be Doug's 42nd birthday. Yup. 42. With that thought came others; the main one being, "What are we going to do?". I really have no purpose to this blog today other than to state the obvious of the coming day...well that and state my choice.

Choice number one: Stay in bed pretending the day never happened. Yeah, right! With two kids, work, and school that is NOT AN OPTION!

Choice number two: Deny the day's existence. Also not an option as I live in the reality of this world.

Choice number three: Accept the day's existence, but treat everyone around me as if they should cater to my every need and pitch a fit if I don't get my way. Getting closer, but still not there. Just because I am experiencing what could potentially be a bad day does not give me the right to be angry at everyone around me. Last year I took February 15th off and the reason I gave was for the safety of those around me. Good reason as I could not guarantee anything that came out of my mouth that day, however I realize that I cannot continue like that. At some point I've got to realize that there are going to be bad days and I've got to deal with them as they come and thankfully I know I am not alone!

Choice number four: Accept the day as it is: a gift from my Father in heaven. Give Him that day knowing that He's got it all under control. Go on with life as usually, embracing that it is Doug's 42nd birthday, as well as a normal day in the Wilcox household.

My choice? Choice number four, with prayer, trembling, and a bit of excitement. Prayer because I know I can do this if I give it to Him in prayer; trembling because I am human and I don't want to disappoint my Father; and excitement because every other important day since Doug's home-going has been filled with something from above! I've gotten beautiful sunrises when previous days were horrible, thoughtful cards from friends, not to mention all the little prayers He answers!

So, I guess I have another reason for this post: In your most trying times, most unforgiving days, what do you choose to do? An ostrich may miss the storm going on around them with their head in the sand...but they also may miss the rainbow after the storm.