Drawing near...

(DISCLAIMER: THESE ARE MY RANDOM THOUGHTS, NOTHING SERIOUS JUST WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN THIS HEAD OF MINE)

As we draw nearer to Doug's 40th birthday I'm noticing just how sensitive I still am...still so raw. And it doesn't help that the enemy sees this as well.

Monday was just a blah day. I had sent one of my children off to school in a not good way (getting onto them and what not) and that seemed to just set the day off to a negative start.

Tuesday was good though. Tuesday is bible study day, so I was able to dwell in His word. I was shown just how well I am doing though. Through this study I felt as if He were saying, "you've done it. You've chosen to praise instead of stay in the pit of despair. You've chosen to let me handle this instead of take it over. You've chosen to trust."

This particular study is Beth Moore's Esther and it has nailed me to the wall! Yesterday focused on how Esther had to choose to go before the king and if she "perish, then she perish". Beth asked us to fill in those blanks, if then . She went on to describe a situation that hadn't happened, but she thought, "if then ." Well, mine was, "Since my husband has passed away, then I will praise Him." That has been my lifeline. My saving grace and I didn't even realize it was stated like that until yesterday. That's when I heard Him say, "you're doing it, you're going the right path and allowing Me to lead the way." Let's just say that I was glad I wasn't wearing any make-up yesterday!

Then today. Today had the makings of a HORRIBLE day. I mean, if I had a counselor I would be in their office BEGGING for something to just take me away. I could already see it, me laying on some couch bawling my head off demanding answers from a human that has limited answers to say the least. And it's funny, I can see now the enemy's tactic: Monday, make her feel so guilty that she yelled at her kid and steal her day away (he was successful there); Tuesday, well that's a bible study day, may not be able to get her then BUT; Wednesday, have her receive a collection notice from agency representing the fire department that transported her husband when she hasn't received ANY notice from the fire department herself...yeah that's the makings of RUIN RIGHT THERE!!! (Insert evil laughter here). Well, that did happen today. Right before I was to go be with my kids for lunch. SO I called the agency, explained my situation and said that I would call them back with a phone number for workman's comp. so they could file with them directly. I get back from lunch with kids and find the number and proceed to call the agency. A different person tells me that it's MY responsibility to get the claim number from workman's comp. and make sure that they'll cover the bill. By this time my strength is wearing very thin. (Not to mention that while looking for the number I happened to find some pictures of Doug so I had a wonderful trip down memory lane, thus causing more sensitivities) I then talk to workman's comp. and find out that I had the claim number the whole time (he was very understanding though and patient, praise God!). So I then call the agency back and talk to yet ANOTHER person who tells me (once I've given her the info) that they are in the same building...yep...same building. I was in tears by the time I hung up, thus causing the thoughts of me sitting on a counselors couch! Instead I was in the Counselor's arms. OH forgot to mention that while napping today I had a dream of Doug, a wonderful dream yet still added to my sensitivities. I rested there (in His arms) until I was much better. He is so amazing. I'm still upset, still bothered but praise Him that I didn't lose my cool at all while talking with any one person that I talked with today (not even my kids!). He's given me more than I could ever repay and all because I am His. And He loves me...