That's it!

"That's it! I give up!" This loomed deep in the center of my inner being.  I didn't actually say it, but boy did I feel it.  Work has been horrible and really the main cause of my indifference...add to it 'normal' everyday life and there's a recipe for disaster.

The last few weeks have been especially rough...and unfortunately visibly rough (when supervisors bring it to your attention then you know it's bad). I have been with the company for 5 years, enough time to have seniority, yet was being treated like a new-hire...and I did not like it.  I balked and complained wanting to know why I was being asked to due such unskilled work, all the while knowing that I needed to seek the Lord on this, but not wanting to address what was really the issue...my attitude.  I even mentioned to others that I knew that my attitude was the determining factor in the whole situation, I just wasn't willing to lay it down.

Today was no different than any other day at work the last few weeks, except that I had the reason behind why I was being treated as I was (which is of no consequence in this post ;-)) and I had prayed today would be different; that I wouldn't seek out man's answer to this problem (which would have been to balk even more and become the proverbial squeaky wheel) but seek His answer in all this.  I want to jokingly say that God must be still sleeping at 3:30 am because that is not at all how my morning went.  (Let it be known that God does not sleep [Psalm 121:4]; it really is what I decide to do with that prayer, allow Him to work or ignore His prompting) I was asked to do an unskilled job, yet again, but this time I raised my voice saying that I was not the lowest on the seniority list in this area...which was met with opposition, deserved opposition.

Regrettably, how I responded laid the groundwork for the rest of my work morning.  This attitude even bled somewhat into my morning away from work.  Let me back up a minute.  As I was walking out of work I wanted SO BADLY to say something to my full-time supervisor, but I didn't and I believe that is the Holy Spirit right there.  I nearly cried when I got to my car because I was so upset at how the work day had gone, that I was seemingly forgotten yet again...but I made the trek home, bad attitude and all.

I got home and laid down...I was tired and hoped that my bad attitude would be gone with a nap.  I decided to listen to my daily Bible reading before I fell asleep and as it was playing my full-time supervisor called letting me know that I would be in the area that I am trained for, yet I needed to prove myself to my part-time supervisor.  As it turned out that was why I was being moved; not only do I generally work as directed but my part-time supervisor didn't know what to do with me because he saw my lack of effort regarding my work.  I told the full-time supervisor that I would work my tail off to set the record straight.  After I hung up the phone I cried...I had been such a brat and my Father took care of me.  Yes, I still have to work my tail off tomorrow, but I know that things would have turned out differently had I said something to the full-time supervisor before I left.

Which brings me back to my poor attitude that had started months ago.

I should have seen this attitude coming because as I look back I brought it on myself.  I ashamedly admit that I gave up on work, stopped really caring about work, about a month or so ago.  Work has been stressful and hard, supervisors have been just as stressful and hard but that doesn't condone my behavior.  Sadly I think I fell into the trap that seemingly most everyone at work falls into...the "I don't care, just give me my hours, let ME do what I want, and give ME MY paycheck" trap.  I had secretly vowed that I wouldn't succumb to that trap, yet with eyes wide open walked into the world of "it's all about me". Isn't that how the world is run nowadays? Serving the almighty ME? It shouldn't be.

I didn't realize that there was a connection (between what I had said about my work months earlier, the "I just don't care about work" attitude and what was happening to me with my part-time supervisor) until I sat down to write this post.  And the only reason I am doing so is because I noticed something that I thought would be helpful. I did take a nap, but it wasn't the nap that got rid of the attitude.  I saw a picture that reminded me of something I used to say, "Somedays ya just gotta put on your boots and dance anyway..." (my saying was more like, "OK put on the big girl panties and move on!").  I knew what I needed to do...put away the nasty attitude, put on the armor of God and move on with my day! At this point I've decided that I need not leave my room until I have met with my Maker and allowed Him to change me as only He can.