Dream

I woke up this morning after another dream. Yep, another dream of Doug. I had one last week and that particular day was horrible. This dream I choose to make sure that didn't happen. I know that Doug was in it, I remember thinking, "I cannot wait to put my FB status as 'married' again!" and also "Sweet! Doug can take the kids to the pinewood derby and I can get my test done without any interruptions!" and then I woke up.

Instantly I was thrown into a tailspin, simply because this was the kind of dream that I thought was real and usually I wake up devastated by those dreams. Before I got out of bed I remember praying, "OK Lord, that was tough and this is even tougher, but please show me what this means. Please help me to take away the things most obvious in this dream and show me what You're trying to show me."

Not to mention a few weeks back as I was on my way home from work a favorite song came on, Phil Wickham's Divine Romance...I've decided it's the song I share with my Husband, the Lover of my soul. Anyway, at that moment I felt that He was telling me to dream. I don't ever remember dreaming as a child of a wedding or having kids or anything like that, so it's like He was challenging me to dream of a wedding, what it would be like and what my future is going to look like. I started bawling! So, what does that have to do with the dreams I've been having? I really believe He is preparing me for a wedding, to be married again.

I look as these dreams as if He's preparing me for what's to come. Not that I know the time, for it's in His timing all things take place, yet it's almost as if I feel something on the horizon, something big. Do I wish for a tall, dark, handsome, God-fearing man to be what's on the horizon? UMMM, YES! But do I wish for His will more than that futuristic man? An even bigger yes than before! I don't want anything if it's going to come in between me and my first Love. He's shown me things that I've never dreamed of, and I don't want that to be taken away.

Easter

I sit here in my sitting room finishing my book report, when His overwhelming love pours over me. This is the day that we remember His resurrection and also the day of my stupid book report being turned in. I've known about this book report for five weeks now and sadly I pushed it off until the last possible moment. I chose a stupid book for a stupid reason, an easy grade. What I didn't realize is that while I was going for the easy grade He was pushing healing. The book? A parent's guide to raising grieving children. Yup...stupid. At first I waited a week to even get a book, so then I felt that I had to get a book that I could relate too in order to get a good grade. That's when I found this book, yet it's not one I could simply just read like I do other books. At times I had to just put it down, I couldn't take it due to it being so close to home. I did finish it though, I eventually had to push through and read it! This is also the class that I've turned in at least two assignments late, probably three! So, I knew I had to get it in gear and JUST DO IT!

I finished the book yesterday morning and started the report yesterday afternoon, after some much needed time with the kiddos. It seemed that the report just flew off my fingers, came naturally and I was able to finish this afternoon confidently.

You may be asking though, "What does His love have to do with this?" The song that was playing on the stereo as I finished reading and proofing was "Healer"...He IS my Healer! I believe that He's my Healer! He's all that I need and more than enough for me! Praise the Lord! I know that I will have tough times and that it will seem the end of the world for me...BUT He is my Healer! He is there to pick up the broker pieces and gently prod me to continue on!

Oh how I love this God of mine! I'm in awe that He saw me worthy to die on the cross for me! And I'm thankful that He is true to His word and He rose again! Be blessed this resurrection day!

hmmm...

***sigh***

I should have seen this coming. I probably did, if I'm honest with myself. You see, this morning I woke up after having had a dream about Doug. I haven't had one in some time, so when I awoke I felt that the dream was the reality and this world I'm in is the dream...and I hate dreams like that; thankfully I've only had two.

This one was a good one: I dreamt that we lived in our current house with the Berthoud's right across the street still. I remember Doug just 'being' there, being real and that's probably what hurts the most...in my dream he was real and there and let me hold him and he hold me. I remember thinking, "Oh yea! Jareb has his best-friend back!" and "how exactly is this going to work? I mean, are we still married or do we have to go through that again?". I remember waking up and realizing that was the dream...and this is reality.

I said earlier that I should have seen this coming, which is true. The last few weeks I've felt challenged. I've felt the Lord asking me to do things I've not wanted to do and I've put off. I still have several of Doug's clothing items that I wear (as work clothes or pajamas [all his other clothes I've put away for Joey to go through if he wants when he's older]). I believe the Lord asked me to trust Him and to get rid of those last few items, things that aren't worth saving for Joey nor worth giving away. So, over the course of the last few weeks I've washed or thrown out those items and yesterday I bought new work clothes to replace the clothes I would be getting rid of. This, I believe, is where the dream came from.

So now I have a choice: to say, "OK Lord, this is YOUR day, do with it as you will!" or "This sucks, come get me when the days over cuz I'm hiding in my hole". It's days like today that really come down to me and my attitude. I've already prayed (several times, really) and often times it feels as if the Lord is saying, "Come on, you can do this, I'm here with you but you know what to do" and challenging us to move on and move up. However, that doesn't mean it's easy.

My choice today is to rest in the knowledge that He knows the plans He has for me, "plans to prosper me and not harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV). This has been my life verse and I hold onto it now more than ever!

Blessings my friends...

The Glory of my God!

I heard the best words today..."it's your last day!". OK, let me explain. I had put in a request to change shifts and today I was told that I got it and it was my last day up in the smalls department! This is all due to my kids' needs...plain and simple, they need me. They had been doing great until a few weeks ago and I began to see the stress in their eyes; stress of doing things that I would do if I had been there. So, I put in the request and left it in the Lord's hands. I had thought that it would be some time before I got transferred, but our God is mighty and when He moves, HE MOVES!

SO, on the way home I was praying and just started weeping. The kind of weeping that I'm sure people driving around me thought I was experiencing something terrible! If they only knew! I prayed for some friends, thanked God for the move, and prayed for myself. In my praying I had a vision of Him coming into my friends' lives and covering them over as a sealant does over concrete. Sort of like their lives were seemingly cracking and He was coming in over them to seal them seamlessly, no cracks remaining.

My prayer for myself was beautiful. I prayed that God would prepare for His daughter someone worthy of His daughter, someone perfected in His image! AND that He would prepare ME for His son! Create and perfect in ME someone worthy of His son! Oh, it was a great ride home from work!

God is good, He still is there just as He says in His word. Look for Him in the least expected places, because that's where He is!

Ahh...

Today I am reminded just Whose I am...I am His.

Yesterday was not so good...if you heard a call for "Pity, party of one!", it was for me. I was frustrated with school, life, and anything in between! BUT today is a new day. Yes, life is still happening and school assignments still due, however I am reminded that He knows the plans He has for me, to prosper and not harm, to bring me a future and a hope; that if I seek Him I will find Him! (Jer 29:11-13).

I have to admit that I woke up in a great mood, that even though I have three late assignments for the same class, today is a new day! However, I then rolled over and got out of bed. God is good though, because shortly after I got out of bed I was shown the above verse by two different sources and yet another that was OH SO POWERFUL! The other is Zeph 3:17, "Your God is present among you-a strong warrior there to save you-happy to have you back-he'll calm you with His love" (Lisa Bevere version).

Oh Lord how I need you this day! Thank you for your goodness and mercy!

Names

I sit here this morning, resting in His presence. It's the best way to start a day in my opinion, and one way I wish I did more of...however, that is not the point of this post. As I am sitting here I am reading verses, proclaiming them over myself, when the last line hits me solid, square in the nose, "I am not the great 'I AM', but by the grace of God I am what I am". As I said those words aloud I started crying. You see, that name of God is precious to me. All His names are, but this one is the one He spoke directly to me in two very different fashions.

About five or six years ago a friend of mine passed away, leaving me angry and confused. I had SO many questions, wondering why He would take someone so young. I actually yelled at Him. And you know what? He yelled back! He said very lovingly and firmly, "I AM!". At that point I shut up, He had spoken and I knew when I should just be quiet, lol! That was the first time.

Now fast forward from that point to July 17, 2009. Most of you know that that day was the day my world went black, torn from the inside out. That morning my sweet Doug went to be with Jesus and I was left in a whirlwind of questions yet again. I calmly, quietly, meekly asked, "Why?" Why would God take Doug? Why would He allow this to happen? Why would He leave us so physically alone? Guess what His answer was? A calm, quiet, meek, "I am". Instantly, I felt calmed, felt His peace all over me. Did I have the answers I wanted? NO. But I knew the One who had the answers and I had the peace that if He wanted me to know He would tell me in His time.

This brings us to today. Today is a reminder that He is the great I AM, the One Who was, Who is, and Who is to come. Do I have the answers? No. Do I still live in the midst of the storm? At times, however the One who calms the storms is with me and more often than not if I give them to Him He will take them, or at least stay with me through the storm.