Two years ago was the first Christmas after Doug's passing and so hard, yet good. We had family staying with us at the time and it was as perfect as we could get at that moment...perfect for us was unattainable, but we were close.
The following year was still hard, but a different hard. We had moved by then, so we were creating a new normal for the season. Our family now lives across the street from us and they were there when we put the decorations on as I didn't think we could do it alone.
This year, though, was even more different. This year we had gone to my sister's in Montana for Thanksgiving, something we hadn't done in years and I so needed my sister. But that meant that we would be out of town the day after Thanksgiving, which was when we usually put up our tree. By the time we got home it was late and the next day was back to life as we knew it. The weeks went by and still no tree nor was there any form of decorations up until my brother from across the street put up our lights. I had even contemplated not doing a tree at all this year because I just didn't want to deal with all the hassle of it!
The kids won out though and we put up our tree on Christmas Eve. We had all of six ornaments on it, but it was up (thankfully we have a fake tree!). As I've thought about it I've wondered why I didn't want to deal with it and the answer was simple...another 'thing' that I would be doing alone. No spouse to help put up, decorate, and take down. No one (seemingly) to enjoy it with. It had become just another reminder to me that I am physically alone on this earth.
Notice I said physically alone. I said it that way because I know that I am not alone, He's just unseen. Through this weird season He is by my side reminding me that I can do this, that with Him I can do anything!
Which brings me to today and my ponderings. I've realized that slowly but surely reminders of my sweet Dougie are going away. In the beginning it was the little things that I noticed: shoes not being in the way, socks not being on the floor, etc... As time went on bigger things such as him not being here to fix the car, help with the kids, help with Christmas, etc... I don't think it gets much bigger than the most recent finding: his work. I drive past his work every week to go to church, sometimes twice if it's a group night, and recently I noticed the name has been changed. At that moment I had a choice: hole up and cry (ummm, not while driving), or accept this and give it to the Lord. I chose the latter.
Sometimes it is hard to accept change and move on. Sometimes change comes at us whether we want it to or not. I would much rather have my Dougie here with me, but I know that because there was a change, I have a choice. Everyday we have choices, it's what we do with those choices that determines the outcome of our days! Do I hope that there won't be any more change regarding Doug? Yup. Do I realize that living in my own Utopia is dangerous? Oh yeah. Will I choose the right path when another change (in respect to Doug) comes? I hope so!
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